A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My mom died in a drunk driving accident (other guy was drunk) seven years ago when me and my twin were 14 and our younger brother was 11. Our dad has been sober for about a week of the last seven years. Once, when I was 18, my dad told me the only reason he hasn't yet killed himself is because of us kids. I told him that if he killed himself; especially with alcohol, mom will have died in vain. That was the only week he was sober.But now it's been three years since he told me that and he still hasn't let up on the alcohol. There have been numerous nights when I've been up until 3AM with an exam at 7AM helping my dad puke up the last of his midnight snack of three shots of Bourbon. And now my twin is starting to down the alcohol because he just doesn't care anymore (he's been put in the hospital for alcohol poisoning once already). He's a college dropout (twice) and my younger brother has gotten his girlfriend of two years pregnant (they're both 18 and JUST graduated high school). Luckily, they' both in college and plan to stay in once the baby is born.Now, tomorrow is mine and my twin's 21st birthday and who knows if my dad will even remember... or be awake/alive? I have mid-terms this week (I just have this year of college left) and things really suck right now. My dad's been out of a job for three years (he's on welfare now) and my younger brother lives with his girlfriend (luckily her parents adore him). My younger brother seems a bit stable for now but who knows what will happen once the baby is born? What's going to happen to my twin next time he's put in the hospital? What's going to happen to my dad if he nick alcohol soon?It feels like everything is spinning around me and I can't even catch a glimpse of what's going on. I feel lost and aggravated, raped of my teenage years... Has anyone ever been in my situation? Can anyone tell me that I'm not alone? Can someone explain what the hell is happening to my family!? And how can I make this stop!?
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female
reader, natasia  +, writes (14 October 2010):
 I am so, so sorry for what you are going through here. It sounds like you have taken over your poor mom's role, and no doubt she would be proud of you, even if you feel like you are trying to juggle soot and everything is out of control.
You are doing amazingly well, and I am SURE that sometime soon this will all resolve and calm down.
Your younger brother: he seems fine. He has a very strong support in his second family, and somewhere to live, and is going to be a father and have a young family - but that isn't a bad thing, you know. OK, it has come early and he is very young, but the most important thing is the support of his girlfriend and her family. It sounds like he really is totally fine, and there are so many happy and successful young families - there is no reason to worry about 'when the baby is here' - when the baby is here he will start learning how to be parent, that is all. So totally don't worry about him. Look forward to meeting your niece or nephew, and just feel happy about that.
Your twin brother: he sounds like he is finding things difficult, and is probably strongly affected by your father's depression and being drunk all the time. He needs a focus, something to feel good about, something to pull his attention away from dwelling on family problems. Late teens to mid twenties, and particularly, I think, 21-24, are difficult years, because you are old enough to be considered an adult, and a lot is expected of you (and you expect a lot of your life). It is scary enough being 21 without the difficulties you guys have had. When I was 21 I though 'jeez ... this is it ... so now what do I do?'. It is such a responsibility, having your whole life now in front of you, and I remember it just seeming like a foggy mist in front of me, 'my future' - everyone had such expectations of me, but I didn't know how I was going to get from being me to being 'an adult'.
(still don't ; )
And although my father was v ill, he was at least there, and my mother was there.
You guys - you twins - have taken the worst of what has happened, and with your dad now, it sounds like it is really getting to both of you.
I think you need some kind of professional help for sorting your dad out, because his drinking and aimless misery are just swamping your family at the moment. It is exhausting and depressing for both of you. He needs sorting out.
You can do it three ways:
1. Sit him down. Talk about it. Get him to agree to do something. Make him realise how serious it is. Work out a programme with him. Try to make him stick to it.
(this is, I think, the least likely way of sorting it, but it would at least be a great start)
2. Get him to go to AA and let them help.
3. Drag him to the doctors, or go on your own to the doctor and ask what to do - ask for help.
One way or the other, you have to ask for help with dealing with his alcoholism, and fast.
I think that if you get your brother to help you, he will also begin to see that (a) alcohol isn't great in excess and (b) there is a way of changing what is happening, and stopping this.
At the moment he feels hopeless, as do you, and you both need hope, and faith.
You are such an amazing person to be studying and looking after your dad and twin, and being such a good sister you are like a mother ... don't you even think of giving up!! Go to the doctor and explain the situation and ask for help. Maybe even talk to your younger brother's girl's parents and see if they have any helpful ideas/support for you. You must get people on board to help you here, as alcoholism is very very difficult and very very destructive, and not only do you not want your dad to be ill from this, you also want to get things sorted out so your twin doesn't get badly affected by it.
I know it seems like you are the only strong one, and you don't feel strong right now- but trust me, you are. But now you need the good professional help of people who know how to sort these things out - and for sure those people are out there. You just need to ask. Please do it.
Listen, one day you will have a career, a home, a family, children, of your own. All this will be a distant past. You will feel secure and sunny and happy. Your twin bro will also get out of it. He will meet someone and work things out. You all need stable, sensible family around you. And your dad can be ok, but only so long as you get him help.
Good luck with it - you can do it. Just have faith. This is only your life at this moment - it will not always be like this. It will be better. I promise.
xxx
A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (14 October 2010):
 You know, I have a very dysfunctional family also. Your dad is hurting. Your brothers have picked their paths...you just have to be there for them now to support them and be an ear.
Its time you take care of yourself. Start with getting good grades and making someone out of yourself. Financial stability makes life alot easier. Next, focus on surrounding yourself with positive people. The type who unconditionally love you and respect you. People who are generous and kind. Third, go talk to a psychologist/counselor for a good period of time. You wouldn't believe how having an objective party to listen and advise helps.
It sounds like you worry alot and carry a great deal of responsibility on your shoulders. Its now time to let go. Your brothers are grown. Your dad will need to go into rehab, but he needs to feel that first, he needs to hit his bottom before he gets to that place. For now you need to focus on yourself - build a strong good foundation in your own life before you hold other people up too.
It'll be ok. From experience I can tell you that it'll be ok. Therapy helped me a great deal. Surrounding myself with a few really good people helped even more.
Big hug.
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