A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm really curious on what others have to say about this. Here's the thing:Before you and your significant other began dating, they had a co-worker/friend of the opposite sex. It was platonic, but they hung out a lot.After beginning your relationship, their frequent one-on-one outings makes you uncomfortable. They go to movies, dinner, etc. They are not doing anything wrong, but you are still uncomfortable with them hanging out solo with their opposite sex friend.In your opinion, is this acceptable (even if it makes you uncomfortable) or should they limit their interactions with their old friends?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 September 2014):
 If the "friend" was kept separate from ME (the partner) and all outing were about THEM two, then yes, I would not be OK with it. If the friend was INCLUDED in (some of) OUR outings, and I was (occasionally, doesn't HAVE to be every outing) included in theirs, I wouldn't have a problem.
I have always had mostly male friends and been most comfortable with that. I have NEVER crossed the line or wanted to with any of them while IN a relationship. I had ONE BF who had a problem with my many male friends and guess what? HE was the only BF who cheated on me... so in my book, he was insecure about it because HE himself was doing things he shouldn't with others girls....
One thing though I DO NOT SEE EXES as good friends. THEY fall into a "friend category" that can cause a lot of drama. Because not many people can TOTALLY separate the fact that they USED to sleep wit hthis one.... from their friendship. It can be just a little to "strolling down memory lane while pretending you are just friends".
Nor do I think being friends with someone you had a fling/sex with is always a good idea.
BUT I think it comes down to how RESPECTFUL the BF (GF) and the opposite gender friend ARE towards the relationship.
A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (20 September 2014):
 I don't think there is a "right" answer to this question - it's the kind of thing that varies by person, relationship, and feelings of in/security within the relationship. Some people have been burned by cheating exes and would find this a complete deal breaker; other people allow romantic partners to date and even sleep with third parties while in a relationship with them and would definitely not draw the line here.
But since you've asked for opinions, there are two scenarios in which I personally would not be okay with something like this - if he tries to hide their interactions from you (which it does not sound like he is doing) or if the girl is an ex of his (which she evidently isn't).
Otherwise, assuming he is open with you about where and when he sees his platonic friend and what they do together, the situation as you describe it would be acceptable to me.
You don't mention how long you have been together with him, but if they've known each other since before you were in the picture and have only ever been platonic, their friendship should not be a threat to your relationship.
Why? Because if his friend is single, then he willingly passed up the chance to ask her out while he was also single. And if she's not single, the friendship she has with your boyfriend must not be threatening to HER partner (do you even know for certain that she's straight and interested in men?) or she'd be limiting the contact on her end.
Basically, if they wanted to be together in any romantic or sexual way the opportunity clearly existed well before you met him... and yet they're just friends, presumably because that's all either of them wants. I bet you can think of guy friends, past or present, who you've liked as people but would never in a million years have wanted to have sex with, right? I know I can. And I've had guy friends who at their drunkest beer-goggled-est moments still had no romantic interest in me. They had a type and I wasn't it.
Heck, I even dated a guy with a female friend like yours. I never questioned him about her, even though they spent a lot of time together - meals, art classes, kayaking trips - and he even went out of his way to spend time with her son. Eight months into our relationship he mentioned casually that she was gay. Had I been grilling him about their friendship up until that point, I'd have felt pretty darn stupid. We are not together anymore, and they are still friends - JUST friends. I'm glad he didn't stop that friendship just because he was seeing me.
I actually think the fact your boyfriend didn't ditch his old friend when he got into a new relationship says a lot about him, in a good way. Loyalty is a terrific trait to have in a significant other. If I were dating a guy who threw out a longtime friendship because I came along, I'd be wondering in the back of my mind whether that guy would ditch me just as nonchalantly if another attractive woman expressed romantic interest.
Basically, I don't think the situation as you describe it is cause for alarm, and depending on how long you have been dating your boyfriend (your post doesn't specify) you may have very little to gain by bringing it up. If you've only been together for a few months, I'd definitely think twice before saying something. There isn't really any way to bring it up to him without appearing insecure or jealous, and if your partner values the friendship he may resent the fact that a relatively "new" woman in his life is trying to undermine it.
If you trust your boyfriend, take him at his word here; if not, you may wish to re-examine why it is you think he will be a good partner to you in the absence of trust.
Good luck and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2014): Alot of things would go through my mind if I was in this position. First off, does he have any male friends? Guys usually like to hang with the GUYS when they are not with their girlfriends. Grab dinner and drinks with the boys, watch the football game, play golf with the boys. Have male talk. Guys love that. They need that. And, sure, groups of guy friends always have the "girls" that they kick it with also, usually as a group. The "girls" they too are all friends with, who are not afraid to pound a beer with them, laugh at their testosterone filled jokes, who they enjoy having around, provides a little estrogen balance. But outside of this scenario, men don't usually spend that kind of alone, quality time with a woman unless he is dating her or he likes her or he's gay.What you describe is weird. And kind of an anomaly in the male world that your boyfriend hangs out alot for "kicks" one-on-one with another woman. Dinner and the movies? That sounds like a date. Two things would go through my mind. One, I would think my boyfriend has a crush on this woman. Two, it would also cross my mind that perhaps my boyfriend is gay. Cause most straight men do not want to spend that kind of time, in those kinds of settings with a woman, unless he is getting some. The only type of guy who would be happy to spend alot of time with a woman strictly on a platonic level, involving movies, dinner and shopping, is a gay man. It's weird.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2014): Personally it would make me uncomfortable. My boyfriend has a few close female friends. Two of them I'm fine with him hanging out because they make an effort to be my friend too but the other one I don't like spending time with because she ignores me and makes no effort. How does this girl treat you?
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A
female
reader, LourdesM +, writes (19 September 2014):
I will use the same response that I used for another person a few minutes ago. To me it's unacceptable. This does not mean that they should break the contact. An e-mail, a greeting, a chat all seem to be fine but if you are serious about each other, the rest should end. I will repeat what I said in my last response. My ex wanted to continue activities with FORMER co-workers - all attractive single women. He insisted on continuing to have dinners with them for their birthdays, his birthday and just because. It didn't stop there. He would send them flowers/gifts as well. Not only this, but he loved to collect women he didn't know on FB. I understand that this probably doesn't even come close to your situation but if he is really interested in you, a little respect for feelings is in order. If anything, he should include you in an occasional activity. Be careful....observe, keep your eyes open. I hope it works out for you.
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