A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship with "Damian" for 2 years...we are like any other couple who has it's ups and downs....we are engaged to get married next year in the fall. We live in South Florida in the same city he lived for the past 10 years. I dont like it here (I used to live in another county) but we are here because of work. He had a previous relationships (so did I)...his last one lasted close to 6 years...they had an open relationship...where everything went...he still keeps pics of all of those "get together" and of his previous "swinger's" lifestyle...not only while he was with her but with others after her...(who turned lesbian)....I find it very offensive that he still has all those pictures in his computer and on other cd's. I am ok with having pictures of people in our past...but that doesnt include naked and orgies pictures of him with her and other people as well. Am I going crazy here? I know he is with me...we are getting married...but shouldn't there be limit to what we keep from our past???I want to approach him with it but I dont want to sound like I am out of my mind....I feel at time like there is a "ghost" between us....Please help!Sickoftheapstlady!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2008): Great News! I'm happy for you! Congratulations on your engagement! And always remember communication is the foundation to all healthy relationships! Keeping the lines of communication open will esure many happy years to come!
Happy Thanksgiving!
Britt
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 November 2008):
 I'm happy to hear it went well and that the pictures are gone; that must be a huge relief to you. I expect he's got some new respect for you with the way you handled it (not that he didn't before, of course). It's taken me many years to figure out how to deal with marital problems without crying and generally acting hysterical. But I'm getting it! And I find a sense of humor is a really good thing; if you can deal with the problem, and then turn the whole thing into a private shared joke, it winds up pulling the two of you even closer.
So maybe the next time you two have a really great time in the bedroom, you could say something like, "this is one for the CD-ROM!" That way, he knows you're not still fuming about the issue, and that you've really forgiven him and found the humor in the situation.
Congratulations on your engagement and I wish you every happiness in the future with your honey Damien.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, we talked last night...I kept my cool at all times and told him all that I needed to say...and specially how I felt. His take on all of it was that he didn't actually realize that all those pictures where on the PC and that he didn't think they were an issue....How DENSE!!! There was more to the conversation than this...but in a nutshell...All the pictures are gone...and I sure hope that he got the point across.
Thanks for your help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI will have that talk and will let you guys know how it went.....thanks!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 November 2008):
I think it's perfectly reasonable to have a discussion with him about your worries. I would use that word you chose, 'ghost,' to talk about it. Let me see, what would I say?
Here's a suggestion, off the top of my head.
Damian, honey, there's been something that I need to discuss with you. Let's sit down and let me talk it through with you.
Now, I know that in the past, you were in the the 'lifestyle' and had a girlfriend and other sex partners. I don't have a problem with that at all, it's part of what's made you you and I love that you!
But I really feel uncomfortable that you have kept pictures of you having sex with her and others. This isn't just keeping a picture of an ex around, this is more than that. What it does to me is keep that ghost of your past around. That ghost is going to be there until we come up with a way to resolve this, and you understand my point of view and I understand yours. This ghost isn't going away on its own, I have tried and unfortunately I needed to talk with you about it.
I find it offensive, actually, that you have kept these pictures of you having sex with others. This feels disrespectful of me and suggests to me that you secretly want to go back to that open lifestyle. So not only is it offensive to me, it is undermining my trust in you. I know you may want to tell me that it's all in the past and that you're with me now, but those words are belied by the existence of those pictures.
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Then listen to him.
You might also want to point out that the reason to keep pictures is to look at them. And you want to understand what is going through his head when he's looking at those pictures. That's kind of prying into his privacy in a way, but maybe this will get him to see your point of view. After all, these aren't anonymous pictures of strangers, they are HIM with a previous love. Talk about competing with the ex, whew!
Obviously, you have to come up with your own words and tailor the discussion to fit your situation and him.
There's no need to fight about this. Just stay calm and let him know that you have no intention of peeking into that lifestyle, nor are you curious about it enough to do so ever in the future. He does need to get that you're really NOT going there with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice. It's nice to know I am not going "bananas" here. Any other suggestions as to how to tackle this will be appreciated. I am worry that he might give me some "bs" in the lines as to..."you are with me...you have no reason to worry...." etc, etc. Also it bothers me that he still has phone numbers in his cell phone from that time....why? He doesnt frequent them at all...then why have the numbers? I dont keep numbers from people that are no longer in my circle of friends. Is this completely crazy of me???
I am a good looking woman, educated and with lots to offer but I can't help to feel not only like there is that "ghost" but that somehow I have to compete with it....Hey I am not a prude by any extend...but I have my limits. Going into that "lifestyle" even to try is not what I am about...I wont do it for him or anyone....He didnt ask...but he has said that if I am courious he will be willing to take me to one of those parties at those clubs so that I know what it's about. What do you think? Is he trying to very smoothly convience me or influence me to go and peek?
Again thanks for your help!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 November 2008):
I don't think you're out of your mind. I think you just need to keep calm and focused on what it is that troubles you about these pictures and CDs of his sexual past.
It sounds like he is very openminded and rather more experimental than your average person might be, so he may not realize that these remnants of the past are troubling you.
Would erasing these pictures from the computer and locking away the CDs be enough for you, or do you want all trace of them gone? The reason I ask is I think you should think about what compromise you can reach with him, and if you know what you're able to tolerate, when you have the conversation, you'll be able to stay a bit more focused.
I personally would be worried that he would feel he's giving up that 'lifestyle' for me and will eventually grow to resent the monogamous state you two are about to formalize by marriage.
I agree with you that keeping pictures of yourself having sex with an ex or others is over the top; again I think you need to explore with him the reason he's hanging on to these pictures if he knows they trouble you. So you just have to be calm and forthright about how they bother you and why. Don't get hysterical or cry if you can help it, and you certainly won't look like you're out of your mind. But if you two are headed for marriage, you should be able to have difficult conversations about all kinds of tricky topics--it's necessary for a healthy marriage.
Good luck with the talk.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2008): I agree with you completely! Very Inappropriate! I would love to hear from some male readers and their opinions!
My advice is to let him know exactly how you feel in a calm and intelligent way!
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