A
female
age
41-50,
*oah
writes:Hello,I am posting here because I am so sick and tired of my husband being so stingy.We are both working and I am actually earning 800$ more per month than him. Together we are quite a middle-class family - total earning after tax about $6000 a month.However my husband seems to be born a stingy person besides the fact that he is also a kind person. As kind as he is, he would prefer to save all the money into the bank and would not buy anything unless he thinks it is absolutely necessary. He is stingy to himself also.When there is a choice of goods, he would definitely go for the cheapest one. He earns less than me and yet whenever I need to make a purchase for the family, he must involve himself in and provide an opinion that no doubt goes straight to the cheapest option. We are having a baby coming soon in Sept. I wanted to purchase some closet and baby stroller, from Second Hand stores, pay attention, from Second Hand stores. He published his opinion that first we don't need a closet, and the baby's stuff can be stuffed together inside our cabinet. I felt soaring anger because his own clothes are lying on the floor all over all the time! Then about the baby stroller, whenever I am happy with one SECOND HAND model, he would do his best searching online and show me another one that is much cheaper and dirtier and broken!Then it is the big fight about the house. We have been looking for house for almost one year now. I don't remember how many fights we've had on this and of course today we are still living in an apartment on the 4th floor without elevator while I am 8 months pregnant! He always wants a house that is CHEAP and has renovation needs. The houses look so shabby I couldn't imagine myself living there. Besides, what kind of renovation he is capable of doing only God knows. We both come from a background that none knows anything about house construction and renovatoin. Besides, we are both not so hard-working people. After work, we just lie on the couach and watch TV. That has been more or less our spare time life because he doesn't want to spend moeny on any entertainment! Besides, if he could be so stingy on purchaisng just a tiny little closet for the baby, I can't think of myself counting on him doing large scale renovation with money flowing out a water. You can imagine either you would live in that shabby house for the rest of your life or you would fight with him for the rest of your life just to get one piece of furniture or renovation done in the house. Therefore I have been insisting on buying a house that is already nicely done and ready to move-in. End of the story. Then of course, the budget would be as doubt as he would accept. So no house today. A pregnant woman climbing 4 stairs and will be carrying both the baby and stroller 4 stairs in the future!I am so pissed that I really wanted sometimes get to divorce him. I earn enough money to give myself a good living without having to fight when purchasing a Second hand closet!! This is really silly. My life is slipping away during all these fights and shabby living conditions. I don't want to bear that anymore!I think he is too much involved in each and every decision in the family. I suggested we divide our duties. He is good at applicancee, cars etc. So he can make any purchase related to that under 200$ straight while me taking care of baby stuff, kitchen stuff, home decoration stuff, having a right to make purchase under 200$ without having to get his consent. I actually suggested 500$ but he thought it was too much so we lowed it to 200$. After this amount, I said we can discuss about it between us. He first succeed in lowering the amount to 200$, then he insisted he would still give an opinion that he wanted me to consider...Hell, what's the way out? Then we will go back to the daily routine of fighting for a 5$ second hand closet! Just to think I am making 3000$ after tax myself. I could not stand this anymore.Ok enough venting. I am writing because I really need your advice on how to handle this? I am so tired and scared also since our baby is coming in Sept. and I just can not think of any other way out but to separate from this fights without having to influence the baby! Yet I love him and it would hurt me emotionaly bad if I have to do this. I am so baffled.Help and advice please.Anna
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (22 July 2009):
 So again, he is avoiding making a choice.
To bad he also wants to be in control. There is no rule the man has to make all the big decisions in a relationship after all.
As others said, you might want to take some steps on the way to seperation. Maybe rent a furnished house until you find a good house to buy and have the time to furnish it yourself? Give him a clear choice, either with you on your terms or on his alone.
Hope it works out, whatever happens.
A
female
reader, Share Bear  +, writes (21 July 2009):
 I totally agree with Desirewhitefire. You're bringing home money yourself and you have every right to spend that money how you choose. He's telling you that you can't spend your own money. You can!
Seeing as he is so eager to save money, explaining that you're on the verge of setting up your own separate account will give him an option to either loosen up and enjoy spending your money together reasonably, or to have separate accounts and to let you spend you own money on yourself and child how you please. And he will be paying half of the bills from a lower starting wage. Either way- you can't lose -?
The house might be slightly more difficult since it’s such a big investment. If you're renting it would be worth the gamble that you find a reasonable place and tell him you're going ahead, and that he can either join you or stay where he is, managing the bills by himself. Might be harsh, but so is expecting his pregnant wife to manage four flights of stairs and refusing to take your wishes seriously when you’re clearly frustrated.
(-I assume that you're not talking about moving into an extravagant stately house since you sound logical and down to earth!)
If all else fails, tell him that every time he saves some money buying an unnecessarily/ inappropriately cheaper product (sure, there are ways to save on items that don't mean a lot to you) -then you're going to donate twice the difference to a charity of your choice!
That should soon sort him out- and in the meantime, you'll feel great satisfaction to help you relax when you most need to! I hope this works out well for you! You deserve all the relaxation and calm you can find right now!
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A
female
reader, Noah +, writes (21 July 2009):
Noah is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks LazyGuy for your reply and advice.I tried to talk to him about "planning", what's important for me etc. He refused to take it seriously. Instead he said I am having my pregnancy hormone which means I do not mean what I am saying nowadays. I said please listen to me, this is how I feel now. He said we should talk only after the baby is born. Then of course the rest of the night, he went back to watch his favourite TV Series.I have never felt so ignored. It feels like I am a crazy pregnant woman who is not deserved to be taken seriously and listened to. When I said I would go my own way if this doesn't work out, he took it as a joke. I don't know how to describe this feeling of being turned a deaf ear to.I am determined to follow this through this time. I don't see any point of us keeping arguing for the same thing over and over again any longer, especially with a kid involved.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy +, writes (20 July 2009):
Pity, if you had the background I thought then it would be understandable.
But is he stingy or just someone who doesn't want to do things now? It is one thing not to want to buy a new house and another thing to come up with excuses not to buy it today. Saying he is going to paint the bedroom tomorrow is a way to avoid hiring a painter today.
Is the reason the money or the delay? I worked with a guy like that, he was always afraid to replace broken tools, not so much out of cost savings but because he never wanted to deal with having to do the books. He actually avoided collecting payment from customers just to avoid the paperwork.
A relationship with such a person would require you to take charge of the financial parts of your life. It is NOT that strange. My grandfather got an allowance from his wife. As a working man, it was HIS job to give her wage package with which she paid the rentman, the coalman, to baker etc etc. He got some beer money and once a year the money for the fishing club.
If he boths want to control the household and continue to delay things then you got to decide wether you can life with that or wish to control your own life completly as a single mother.
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A
female
reader, Noah +, writes (20 July 2009):
Noah is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBy the way, he is not the kind of person who makes plans and sticks to the plans. He delays everything until he has to face it. We have been thinking of baby names, I came up with lots of proposals. He is neither yes or no to them. He said wait. There is a long list of things to buy to get the baby started. We went to the stores and checked the stuff. In the end, he said wait until we absoultely need them. So empty hand back. Whenever we travel, he hangs out there until the last minute he starts packing and misssing this and that. He has an ambition to do something and yet he never does anything to make it happen. According to him, we have to enjoy here and now which is actually just lying there and relax. He thinks I worry too much for nothing.
Of course, except these, he is patient, he is kind and he cares about me, only that he can not compromise on financial issues which I really don't understand. There would only be a fair share of the investment, 50/50. And yet this is not happening because he wants to "renovate" which to me is like a joke, considering his personality and the fact that he is so fragual.
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A
female
reader, Noah +, writes (20 July 2009):
Noah is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,
To reply LazyGuy, no the backgrounds of us are totally opposite from what you said - he is from a well-fed family where they lived in a 280square meter house with hugh garden. I am from a family where 3 generations shared in one apartment. So now when economics allow, I want to have something that we can afford within our extent. I am not saying we are buying whatever top renovated house there is, I am saying we go for those which are within our budget and yet in a good enough condition that is ready to move in. Like yourself said, once the renovation projects start for those cheap houses, you'll never even to know where you will end up with, not to say we have a child upcoming, we are short of time, energy, experiences to pursue something that we don't even know how much it will cost in the end.
This feels really difficult to do it together. Like Red Green 0289 said, I can not change his personality, especially now we do nothing but end up fighting each time. To afford a house that can accommodate all the 3 of us, I need his part of investment. That will not happen it seems since we always have different opinions. Yes, life is too short. I would rather that he ends up with something he wants, so do I and without daily fighting before the kid. There is no way I am going to stay cheap and fight for 20 years.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2009): I know how you are feeling. To live with a stingy husband is a heartbreaking thing. I am not an extravagant person per say but I do have a very stingy husband so I can understand your point of view. My advise is do save but don't be stingy with the daily needs and a little more to your heart content as life is short and when we do short cuts we end up either being sick or paying more from cutting corners such as not eating the right food or living in such an environment which is not safe. Speak to your husband and I hope he will have the good sense to understand else buy what you feel is necessary for yourself and the baby coming and even for him as in the end he will use it too without even saying thank you or not knowing where it came from. Such a shame.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy +, writes (19 July 2009):
You are aware that right now there is a global recession going on? Even americans are saving money right now and in my country savings have reached new record hights.
You might make 3000 now, but tomorrow?
Some people become so obsessed with being financially save it becomes to extreem. the cheap option ain't always the best. Buying a house is an excellent example. I have made my living as a woodworker for over a decade and even I would be reluctant to buy a rundown house to live in. Even simple things take a lot of work, tend to cost a fortune in materials with the constant risk of unknown problems creeping up. And trust me on this, going cheap on either tools or materials is NOT a good idea.
And on the other hand, buying a house that is ready to move in is REALLY expensive. After all, the people who made sure the house IS ready to move in want to be paid :P I sure did. Lots. And you are paying my salary and the quality tools and materials I worked with plus all the specialist that were hired to make sure the job got done properly.
It all depends on your attitude towards money. Is money there to buy convenience or as a lifeline to avoid starvation?
Might it be that you come from a financially secure background and he doesn't?
You suggest that you should be able to spend 500 on your own. How many times a month? Just 6 times would spend all the money you got. And that 6000 is after tax, not after fixed costs right?
It ain't just poor people who overspend. Are you saving up already for your kids education/car/first apartment?
Your husband is being to thight with money. With your combined salary your apartment is a joke and really anti-social (you are taking the cheap house from a starter) so you should move to a better house.
If he and you have two-left hands, then a fixer-upper is not the way to go. They are ALWAYS money-sinks especially for amateurs who think they can cut corners. With the delay, you really need a house that is ready. What is he suggesting? Painting a house with a baby in it? good luck. The paint fumes kill the baby while you fall asleep on the ladder.
He is probably worried about the future but has taken it so far that he is hurting the present. If you save up for the winter you better eat enough during the summer to make it to the winter.
But do you really want a divorce from all this? Now, with the baby just weeks away? You say he is kind, although you give no examples. Just thight with money. Sit him down and express clearly what this is doing to you. Agree perhaps to put a fixed amount into saving. Set up a financial plan. Mortage, savings, health care, education etc etc, all laid out so it becomes clearly exactly how much money there really is.
Perhaps get financial advice from an outsider who can make your husband see that A: there is enough money and B: a fixer-upper and constantly penny pinching is actually a lot more expensive.
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A
female
reader, desirewhitefire  +, writes (19 July 2009):
 Tell him to loosen up or you're going to open your own checking account and put all the money you earn into it, and you two can split the household bills and such down the middle.
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289  +, writes (19 July 2009):
Did you not see this in him when you were dating? You're not going to be able to change this personality trait. He is who he is.
Good luck - find a cheap ground floor flat and save your money, let the kid grow up and is 20 years if you can't stand it any longer divorce him.
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