A
female
age
51-59,
*ustSickOfIt
writes:I am tired of being the only one responsible in our household. I have been with my significant other for almost 8 years. In this time, he's had 4 or 5 jobs, was unemployed for 99 weeks where he collected a check, and didn't have a job a couple other times in between. Once for 10 months, another for about 3. I have been in the hospitality industry for 19 years and have had only 2 different jobs in the last 13 years. I get up every morning, never late for work, make lunches for both of us, etc. He has been at this job for a little over 2 years now. His job is very lenient about attendance so he's constantly taking days off, showing up hours after his scheduled time (if at all), and complains about his job relentlessly. He blames the fact that he's still at this job because I haven't taken the time to fill our a new job application for him because he can't type. This was 3-4 months ago and blames me that he's still there. I am furious that I am he only one that responsible in this house. I have to work or else the bills don't get paid. I have been in a financial bind a couple of times because of his irresponsibility. I have been experiencing a couple of medical issues that made it a little harder for me to work, but still I went. I didn't even get any sympathy from him, just "You'll be fine". Never mind the pain, the stress, the fear that I went through alone. On top of that I worry about paying the bills. Everything is in my name. I have no support system whatsoever. Everyone in my family loves him because aside from this, he's a likeable person, but you'll never see the side I see. I don't want to talk to my friends about this because I don't want to tarnish my character. The worst part of all this is when we first met, he knew that I had been in an abusive relationship. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, go out and party. I'll never be where I don't have any business being. If I say I'm at the store, that's where I really am. He lies about where he is, takes forever to come home, and very dishonest. To be clear, he is not unfaithful. His problem is substance abuse. He justifies it all because of all the troubles he has in his life (boohoo). Unsupportive family, horrible job, blah-blah-blah... But if he's experiencing it, I get the backlash. He's so busy feeling sorry for himself that he doesn't see what he's putting me through. I take a vacation day off, he decides he's going to stay home too. I NEVER take days off, I rarely call in. The fact that I'm typing this on my last vacation day off and he's still lying in bed when he scheduled to work at 930a (its 2pm now) is just maddening. I interpret this as you don't care about your job, you can care less about helping me. You leave the burden on me. It's my fault you're at this crappy job. I feel like he doesn't even care what I think of him anymore, which is a self centered, arrogant, selfish, whiny, abusive asshole that needs sympathy but can't give any himself. I am seriously at the end of my rope and had have realized the severity of my situation when I said out loud that I almost have no feelings left for him. The fact that I'm on here almost makes me realize how hopeless I really feel. It's not just the irresponsibility, its the lack of sympathy, it's the temper tantrums, the violent outbursts, how I'm supposed to jump when he wants me to. I'm tired. His biggest "issue" with me is he says I'm lazy. He's called me a slob, a pig, a fat lazy bitch. Well, damn, you know what? I have been. With everything I've had to deal with, the last thing I care about is housework. I'm on my feet every day for 8hrs without sitting down, then I have to come home and deal with his crap. I am emotionally spent. I'm going to be 44 years old in a few months and this type of work is getting a little hard for me, but I keep going. He's 54 and stated he's never had a job longer than 2 1/2yrs. I actually dread coming home sometimes and sit in the garage before I come in. There are so many other things I want to express, but my fingers can't type as fast as my thoughts are coming to me. I don't need advice, I know exactly what I need to do. A part of me is afraid, another part is anxious, but all of me is FED UP.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (8 November 2016):
 Your next logical step is to call your lawyer and ask them what can be done next. Everything is in your name so get advice on where to go from here. I assume you are not married as you have not mentioned it so therefore if it is your house he is not entitled to anything.
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (8 November 2016):
 A very difficult financial rut. Not sure how things work in the USA but are there options to consolidate all your debt? It may be the way to go if you can pay out some of your existing debts under a better deal. Maybe using some equity in your home, if you have it. When you say all the cars do you mean one he drives but in your name? If so why not sell it and anything else he has the luxury of using at your expense. Hun if you have the guts to do it once then by golly you need to find the same strength to do it again. Your responsibility is to YOURSELF and cut this leech of a man loose. Hard work for one not two. You obviously have a great work ethic and not afraid of doing what needs to be done so in time you should be able to recoup some financial ground once this horrid horrid man is gone and you can breathe.
A quote by Courtney C Stevens- “If nothing changes, nothing changes. If you keep doing what you're doing, you're going to keep getting what you're getting. You want change, make some.”
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 November 2016):
 Do you go to Al-Anon. You should. You are with an addict.
Al-anon is not about fixing him it's about fixing you. It was a lifesaver for me.
http://al-anon.org/home
My husband is in recovery (January will be 2 years) from alcohol. I have had the same job for 12 years and been with my agency (federal) for nearly 28. He can't hold a job more than 3 years due to his personal issues that he is just starting to address since he got sober.
I provide our health insurance and encourage him to work temp jobs to relieve his stress.
We are married and my husband made the choice to get sober when I told him, "get sober or get out." He opted for sober giving up his first love alcohol. That alone told me how much he loved and valued me and makes me work hard to keep us together.
If you go to Al-anon you will learn how to take care of yourself and find strength to kick him out if that's what you need/want. IF not you will find the strength to stay and make it work for you. YOU getting healthy MAY help him which is NOT the goal but it is often the effect.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 November 2016):
 It depends from where you live. With a bit of luck, you might not be obliged to go through a formal eviction process. Not ALL the States laws say that after living with you for a certain period of time, a person has the legal right to live there even if he/ she is not on the deed or the lease. In some, he would have simply the status of guest, and guest privileges can be removed any time with no previous notice .
Anyway, if you don't have such luck- consult a lawyer, who will guide you through the necessary legal steps for eviction ( which from what I have read, it's still a hassle but not TOO terrible a hassle, both in term of cost and of time ). If you don't want this sorry excuse for a domestic partner to clean out your piggybank, Google " how to find a probono lawyer ", and again, with a little luck you can find somewhere near you an association who will assist you for free or on a sliding scale fee, or a Law school that enrolls his student in probono consultation programs.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (7 November 2016):
 He sounds like a spoilt brat. You clearly have your head screwed on and know what you want out of life whilst this guy is the complete opposite. It seems like you're at your wits end and I think deep down you know what to do.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 November 2016):
 Time to consult a lawyer? Unfortunately, you can't just kick him out, you might have to go through an eviction notice etc (which you have to file at the courthouse - in most states)
http://real-estate-law.freeadvice.com/real-estate-law/landlord_tenant/evicting-domestic-partner-after-splitting-up.htm
http://www.livestrong.com/article/222868-how-do-i-evict-a-domestic-partner/
I would NOT leave since the house is yours. But ending the relationship might be something you should do. You sound at the end of your rope and utterly unhappy with the situation. Tell him to GET OUT it's OVER. IF he won't leave - go through the process with eviction.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 November 2016):
You don't have to walk away. You have to put him out. By all means necessary. Call the cops if needs be !
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A
female
reader, JustSickOfIt +, writes (7 November 2016):
JustSickOfIt is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe has gotten worse over the last couple days since I wrote this. He still hasn't gone to work. Today I went out for a little bit for errands and he said he was getting up to go to work. I came home 3 hours later to find him in the same exact place I left him. I was infuriated!! Why is this person being so damn irresponsible? When I came back hours later, he's pretending like nothing is wrong, everything is fine. I just can keep up that phasod. As soon as I ask "what the fuck is wrong with you?!" here is comes with all I've been doing is nagging, fussing, and nitpicking for the last 5 days. I said you're giving me all the reasons to!! All I got was "fuck you, go somewhere with all that". Wow, this is my house that I work for everyday, not just sometimes. I told him he was a horrible, nasty, ugly person. He just blew me off. I this from my couch, because he has now decided to start smoking weed in our bedroom. He's always gone downstairs for that, but I guess why respect me, huh? He feels so sorry for himself and his situation but does nothing to improve it. That for some reason is my responsibility. I can't live like this anymore. I'm tied down here though financially. EVERYTHING is in my name. The house, the bills, the credit cards, even
all the cars. I can't just walk away.
@Honeypie, at this point, NO, i don't even see us together by the end of the year, more or less this month. I have loved him through so much bullshit, so much drama, and gave my 100%. The fact that I am no longer getting that really hurts. I have been there and supported him when no one else did. He has a sickly mother that needs caring and 2 sisters that don't help. Between the 2 of us, we do it all. He has severed his only support system by doing this to me. I've becomes emotionally numb to him over last couple years, but has really intensified in the last couple weeks. I think it's time for me to be on my own, I just don't know how to do it. Thank you for your kind words!
@CindyCares, I don't know how to move on from this point. I wish it was just as easy to say, "Get out!". He's stubborn, arrogant, disrespectful, could care less what I think. He said tonight that all I've done was complain and nag for the last 5 days. He's done nothing but WRONG! Am I supposed to just stand by and smile and say, "Oh it's OK". No, it is NOT! The way he works is he over-exaggerates something that you did and uses that as his defense as to why he's arguing. Honestly, it's fucking ridiculous. I'm not some 20 something kid that has no idea. I see right through that game. The fact that he knew that I came from an abusive relationship and does this to me shows that he truly is heartless. Thank you for your encouragement!!
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A
female
reader, JustSickOfIt +, writes (7 November 2016):
JustSickOfIt is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe has gotten worse over the last couple days since I wrote this. He still hasn't gone to work. Today I went out for a little bit for errands and he said he was getting up to go to work. I came home 3 hours later to find him in the same exact place I left him. I was infuriated!! Why is this person being so damn irresponsible? When I came back hours later, he's pretending like nothing is wrong, everything is fine. I just can keep up that phasod. As soon as I ask "what the fuck is wrong with you?!" here is comes with all I've been doing is nagging, fussing, and nitpicking for the last 5 days. I said you're giving me all the reasons to!! All I got was "fuck you, go somewhere with all that". Wow, this is my house that I work for everyday, not just sometimes. I told him he was a horrible, nasty, ugly person. He just blew me off. I this from my couch, because he has now decided to start smoking weed in our bedroom. He's always gone downstairs for that, but I guess why respect me, huh? He feels so sorry for himself and his situation but does nothing to improve it. That for some reason is my responsibility. I can't live like this anymore. I'm tied down here though financially. EVERYTHING is in my name. The house, the bills, the credit cards, even all the cars. I can't just walk away.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (6 November 2016):
Nope, you are right,you don't need advice what you need is a big ol'
-YOU GO GIRL.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 November 2016):
If you know what you need to do- then do it:).
Are you looking for a bit of encouragement in order to proceed ?
Heck, FWIW, you have mine and it's heartfelt - if I could be there , I would hold the door open for you while you put him out by the scruff of his neck !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2016): I'm glad you know exactly what you have to do. Leave him and be strong on your own.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 November 2016):
Do you see yourself with him in 5 years?
Do you think you would be/ could be happy being on your own with only YOURSELF to please, take care of etc.?
To me, it sounds like you have sort of outgrown him. He sounds immature, selfish and very unsupportive. I couldn't imagine a partner like that.
IT IS OK to decide this is it. I'm done. While friends and family LOVE him, THAT is OK. The thing is... they don't have to live with him, do they?
If venting on here helps, veny away.
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