A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear All,I don't know if anyone can help advise me on sibling rivalry, but I have an upsetting relationship with my sister that I would like to mend...We have always been close (she is one year younger than I) - I am now a 34 year old woman who was single for a long time (after dating all the wrong men!), but have now met Mr Right! We have been dating for 10 months now and know we will be together. We announced our engagement to be married next year, a couple of months ago. I have never been so happy!In addition, we are buying a house together etc, and my life has never been this happy or fulfilled personally.However, at what should be of the happiest times of my life, my sister does not appear to be happy for me. In fact she has had nothing good to say about the wedding. She never calls me anymore.This is not the first time she has avoided me when things are going well in my life - i just thought she had grown up.I'm deeply hurt by her behaviour as I deserve the right to be happy as much as she does, but her cutting me out from her life is very upsetting. I have tried talking to her, telling her that I am hurt that she hasn't once telephoned me nor mentioned our wedding, or asked any questions about us, since we got engaged. Plus she is the only bridesmaid, and does not appear to want to do this.In fact, she had a heated discussion with my fiance, trying to influence him to not spend much money on my engagement ring, which frankly I don't think is her business. When I confronted her about this, she just said that she was thinking of us and that he can't afford it!! (by the way, he can and did!)Also, my fiance tried to help mend our relationship by explaining to her that he didn't want to come between our sisterly relationship, and also explained I was hurt because she doesn't seem happy for us getting marred. She answered that she was happy but "couldn't be bothered with weddings" and that they "meant nothing to her".....I was deeply upset by her remarks.Can anyone help? Oh, she is single, by the way. And she now appears in a rush to find Mr Right (she has always been very competitive against me, whilst I am just happy for her to be happy).Has anyone experienced anything like this? I am so deeply hurt it is affecting what should be a happy time for me.Thanks everyone.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007): My sister rushed into her own wedding a few months before mine (I had been engaged for ages) just so she could beat me to it. She did not want me to be a bridesmaid but I rose above that and asked her to be mine. She was cruel and spiteful during the preparations for my wedding and told me to find another bridesmaid. When she turned up at my wedding she wore an ivory dress and everyone could see what she was trying to do. She hurt me deeply. I can understand your feelings so well because my sister has always had a large spoon to stir up trouble, is always keen to put me down and all too keen to drain me of all emotion whenever she needs a shoulder to cry on. I often feel used. I get very down about it because she is not the sister I would like to have and despite my best efforts I have to accept this. I say all this to point out to you that you may well find that you have better friends, who are more like sisters, than your own flesh and blood. Some sisters (mine was and still is) are simply jealous and bitter and unable to feel happiness for you. It is hard to take but you must NOT let it take away your happiness - otherwise she has done her job. Be strong and feel good that you will not lower yourself to her level. Behave in a way that you feel true to yourself about and treat others how you would like to be treated. I adopt this attitude and therefore I know I can hold my head up high - if she chooses to be spiteful then so be it. I do not join in. If you can find peace with it, in time, then it becomes less important - do not put energy into your relationship with her and find other more nourishing things to do and new relationships with friends. It will help to put her into perspective.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007): A suggestion would have been harmless, but you say she engaged into a heated, vehement discussion which is typically meddlesome, maybe indicating certain frustrations, since it was an aspect which is rather considered a private option and did not include her. You cannot expect to MOLD her personality now into being more generous, willing to receive and extend your happiness. Because sometimes generous is to receive! You can try nevertheless and be empathetic with her, understand she may be in a delicate period of time, struggling with the frustrations of being single and so on. Do NOT let your sister shadow this happiness. You do not want to start resenting her for having had such effect upon you. You are to found a new family, and teaching yourself to be INvulnerable to external factors is a good start - ie gossips of neighbours, or even your old family, or tough days at work that make you feel exhausted or induce petulance that should not reflect upon your family relations, in few words, you have to Control and Concentrate. Control the factors that can have a negative impact upon the family and concentrate on it, especially with children's arrival. Of course, your husband as a Mr Right is there to listen to you and encourage but sometimes when too many problems intercede they have an overwhelming tendency that can lead to fadedness... knocking on wood! You should rather accept the situation if several discussions with your sister do not seem to have the anticipated result and perhaps hope it will get better to the extent she herself finds a family and the rivalry at this level is attenuated. Until then I would understand her and concentrate on your life changes. All the best.
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