A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:here's the situation. i've been dating this guy and he's said some pretty mean things to me/doesn't apologize/etc. and i've tried to break up with him but always he somehow convinces me to get back together with him. then we traveled together around china, and we both had our email accounts open on his iphone. (this means both emails were always automatic sign-on/open.) so one day i open his email because i am just curious and i find he has been corresponding with this girl... he tells this girl that he is traveling all around china - and he never says he is traveling with anyone. he tells her about all the places he's been and things he's done and how wonderful they are. the thing that annoyed me is that the things he mentions to this girl are things that i suggest doing, and then he gives me shit about how stupid they are and how he's only doing them because i 'make him.' even though i don't make him - i say you can come or we can meet up later but he doesn't like to be alone. so i don't understand why he's telling this girl about how it's such a 'fun experience' but is telling me how stupid the stuff i want to do is. another email i find insulting is we visit my friends in china and he talks about all the things we did and people he meets - but never mentions me once. ! and the girl (it's not her fault) is all excited and they are making plans to hang out and cook together when he returns. but anyways, i confront him about this and he apologizes... but a month later i check his email again and he is still doing it! am i just an idiot? he says "there is nothing sexual about any of the emails. and it's too late to tell her now that i'm traveling with someone. it would be awkward. and we only email like once a week." but this is coming from a guy who tells me he hates writing and has never sent me any emails, and he sends her long ones. so i tell him two make a choice - either you tell her you are traveling with me or you travel alone. he says he can't tell her. so for the last week of our travels we traveled separately. now we are both back in the states - but in different cities. he kept calling me and trying to be with me, and how he wants to 'turn a new leaf'. i say... not so fast. first of all we are in different cities. i say we should be friends first. and he has been very nice and different - he's nice like when we first met - it's been about a month talking on the phone. but i am still paranoid that he is not being honest. i feel like i am being an idiot in giving him a second chance. i want to believe that he has changed, i want to believe in the good of people but i can't help feeling paranoid. i asked him 'what about the girl?' and he replies 'i haven't emailed her.' i want to believe him so badly... and yet i am so uncertain. i wish i could just contact the girl he talked to (her name is like ingrained in my head whether i want to or not) to find out but i feel that is out of line and i don't want to create any drama. besides, if they were meant to be together, i don't want to ruin any of that between them. also i am pretty open about relationships. what is important to me is just honesty and communications. and mutual respect and good will towards each other. i feel like if he just tells me straight up 'i want to make it work between us but i am also interested in this other girl' i am okay with that! it is true i am not a jealous person if everything is laid out for me and i know what to expect, but now i feel so full of jealousy for this random girl i don't even know, and it is a toxic feeling i don't want. whereas once i never questioned anyone's integrity i feel like i will always be suspicious now with everyone, and i don't want to feel this way. i think a relationship should be built on trust. help!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010): Get out. You deserve to have what you want. Don't settle. If you do, what does that say about you as a person? Be strong and tell this guy to take a hike. You will thank yourself later.
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