A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my boyfriend is 50 and has two children a 14yr boy and 16yrgirl (he rarely sees his boy). my partner's been separated from their mother for 15 years (who is remarried and has another child)- the daughter has him wrapped round her little finger and gets everything she wants. however, i then came on the scene and enlightned him about a few things, now she's getting less of her own way but trying everything to break us up. she is staying round his ex's house and talking about her - he tells her he doesn't want to know and i'm not jealous of his ex or anything but she really wants them back togther. also, i work saturdays and he works all week so the only day available to do anything is sunday (we see eachother week nights but it would be good to spend day together). he has changed it so he see the children saturdays now and again but with it comes a fuss - the girl will kick off and then get her mother involved who will then threaten him with getting her husband on him and also courts(even though she's 16 - pathetic as it sounds). i don't see him on sundays as it's just too much agro, i now haven't seen him in a month of sundays and i'd like to spend time with him if only doing the mundane things. i wouldn't have a problem with me being the same time as the daughter but there is quite an amosphere so it will never work - he's spoke to her time and time again but she is a rude, spoilt brat (maybe i could understand it if he had just come out of a relationship or was younger but she's nearly 17
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks marie fly. i've sat down with her many times and treated her like a friend - not someone who's a yr older trying to parent her.how old is your partner and the kids?since i wrote this he hasn't seen her for a month! she's been a complete cow and got her mother husband to threaten to beat him up.she's given him the ultimatim - 'me or her' and he said 'that's your choice'she called him a week ago and said 'i don't want anything to do with you so don't call me'.he's obviously upset but said it might do them good to have a break as long as she wishes to act this way x
A
female
reader, MarieFly  +, writes (11 February 2010):
I in a similar sitiuation as you, and only about a week ago came to the realisation that I am young, and I will never be an authority figure to my husband's children. Put yourself into her shoes (I had to do this too). You are basically her age, and you are with her father. You nor I will ever understand what a teenage girl in that sitiutaion is going through, she may seem like a brat, but try to understand what she is dealing with. You are the
'young, sexy' woman who is sleeping with her father, and this hurts her, because you are the evidence that her mother and father are never going to be together again, even if they did seperate ten years ago.
Brat or not, she is his daughter. Young women with older men, like you and I, need to realise nothing comes above a man's children. And if he wants to spend time with her, he should. You get him all week, she get's him one day, let her have him. I couldn't imagine being as young as you in that sitiuation. I am 26, and I have trouble dealing with it.
As far as getting rid of her when she is 18... not going to happen. SHE will always come first, and you have to realsie and accept this. He is her daughter, and he loves her despite her flaws. You are not perfect either, and you have plenty of your own flaws, everyone does. You have to be more open, and less cold to her emotions and how she feels.
Try sitting her down and appolgising to her for giving off the wrong message. Tell her you really do want to make an effort at a friendship, and that you understand how awkward the situitaion must be for her, you being the same age as her and all. Just let her know you aren't there to hurt her, and that you are going to do the best you can to make her feel comfortable.
Good Luck =]
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionfluffypuffy you don't know me darling, sorry you've has a bad experience with your step mum but i'm not her.
anyway you'll be pleased to know that his daughter hasn't been on the scence for a month now so it's all good at the mo!
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female
reader, puffyfluffy  +, writes (6 February 2010):
your only thinking about you.that is his daughter and owell deal with it because no matter what that is his blood and will always be there for him. girl... no matter what.. you cant come between a mans child. no matter how cute or sexy you are and in that case i hope you are highly attrcative because no man will leave there child for a lady. soory it will never work. my step mom tried doing the same thing your doing.. calling me a spoil brat.. im still here and hes not with her. ladies like you come and go. leave the guy alone and regardless is SHES 17 OR NOT!!OR 25! THAT IS HIS BLOOD AND WILL ALWAYS BE!! thats the thing with you ladys, just becaus somebody is 18.you think that oh that the kids dont have a right to spend time with their dad.i hope he leaves you because you are a sneaky person.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionshe's just being a complete cow, apparently going to come to my place of work to beat me up lol. it's totally pathetic. she keeps calling and leaving me messages on fb and gettin my boyfriends ex to call him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010): Can you not try and see how uncomfotable this situation might be for her - here is a girl, a similar age perhaps to many of her friends, attempting to parent her, and acting generally in what I assume she sees as a very condenscending fashion. I'm not actually insinuating that it's your fault, contrary to what you might think. I just believe they this situation must have been inevitable from the start, and if you can't cope with it, you shouldn't be in this relationship. The only think you can do is try being nice to her consistently, regardless of her callous dismissal - which, as the mature, legal adult of the two, you should be capable of. :-)
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female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (18 January 2010):
It is still the original parents responsibility to control her behavior. If they can't do it then you have the choice of finding an unencumbered man with no kids to drive you crazy. You have said she is close to your boyfriend's ex; there is something the ex did right with this child that has allowed them to maintain civil contact. If you can't handle it then its better to move on.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (18 January 2010):
 why are you with this old man? He has no future, he lives with his mum, his daughter, according to you, bad mouths him and he takes it, he hasnt any money to spare on wooing or wining and dining you, what is it this relationship for you, honestly, where do you see yourself in 10, 15 20 years time?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've been with my parter for over a year now. as soon as he introduced me to his daughter (after about a week of being together as it was love at first sight between us -not that i argreed with meeting her so soon but she was paraletic on the floor so didn't really acknowledge me anyway ) i could see what sort of a spoilt girl she was. she speaks to her dad in a way that i would never dream of talking to anyone and demands everything. money is nothing to do with why i'm with him, he lives with his mum and is totally broke - never buys me anything, all i had for xmas was £20 spent on me, i only work part time along with college but spent £400 on him.
i tried being friends with her for 6 months - talkin to her as i would any friend, helping her with h/w etc but you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. she'd call him up asking if i was going to be there when she came round - even though i'd really put myself out for someone that wouldnt usually come into my circles. she's a heavy smoker and drinker and i don't think that he is guiding her very well, along with being really cheeky and more so often than not telling him to 'shut the f*** up). i didn't feel it was my place to say anything and i bit my tongue how i felt about her for 6 months but one day i had really had enough. my nan had just passed away and i wasn't in my right state of mind. she began crying because i was round even though we were supposed to be friends - i flew off the handle and said as much as he's your dad he's my boyf there is no competition here. i sat down and had a convo about the age, she said i've split all my dad and their girlfriends up before (which she has several times) and i'll do it again - she's really devious. i said 'my nan's just passed away and i've come round to have some support from your dad. her reply was 'i couldn't give a f*** about your nan.... get out of my dads house....' that is when all the trouble began. i didn;t tell him how to parent her but when she had left i said i can't believe how she speaks to u and how you've allowed her to speak to me. obviously she will always come first - that is totally understandable and as much as i can't stand her i would never try to destroy their relationship.
we split up soon after and got back together and have been for the last 4 months - she's just started again. any weekend away he takes me on, from her it's 'why arn't you taking me away, give me some money....' i know she doesn't see herself any differently to me because of the age but sincewe've got back toegther ive had another chat with her. she says she can't understand why i want to be with a broke 50 year old and that he's a loser...' i said u won't understand and i won't expect you or anyone else to. i said to her that maybe her and her father could have a chat instead of her taking all of it out on me but she doesn't talk she shouts. he is really depressed and i told her how one day he's gonna drive and never come back (what he's told me) and she said 'good cos then u won't be able to see him. i can't believe the immaturity for her age. i don't think i am being selfish as i have really tried with her and even all that has happened i'm still civil to her.
will this ever change, or shall i walk?
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A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (18 January 2010):
You cannot compete for a father's affection for his children. They were there first and they will outlast you I'm afraid. Your role as a possible step mother was only to be involved with him and be a friend to the children. It was not your place to come into their lives and start influencing him to make changes that his children don't like. No wonder they resent you. I will never forget when my father started dating this other woman (about 30 years ago). When she came into our lives she came with all sorts of rules and we hated her and labelled her "evil step mother". She was probably about 21 which means she had no experience whatsoever on raising children; just unrealistic theories. She also was not privy to details of what we had endured while our parents were apart. So we resented her interference and her influence. My brother and I made life terrible for her and we broke them up and our father got back together with our mother and they will be celebrating 40 years of marriage soon.
If you want to be accepted by step children then your role is not to discipline. They have 2 parents for that. Your role is to be companion to their father and a friend to them. Your relationship will not work out at this rate.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (18 January 2010):
Sorry but it's not your place to enlighten a parent on how they raise their children.
You dont say how long you have been in a relationship with your boyfriend.
The daughter may see you as trying to supplant her in her father's affection - as for the courts, it rarely happens in Australia but they do actually have jurisdiction over children until the age of 18 and non custodial parents can be liable for financial support to 18 and beyond, I imagine its the same in the UK, whether you think it's pathetic or not.
It doesnt matter what age children are, nothing can change the child/parent relationship.
I doubt very much she is trying to get her parents back together after such a long time, and in view of the fact her mother has a child with new partner.
You may have to adopt a softly softly approach until the daughter realises you are not trying to threaten her relationship with her father --- unless that is what you are trying to do of course, in which case I would advocate you walk away now because no joy will come of such a situation.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010): Wow... I do not even know where to begin. First let me say that I agree with everything Patti said. If you really are in the 18-21 age group, that would mean you are young enough to be this girl's sister. Can you not see how that would weird her out? I will admit, the 17 year old sounds immature, but if you really believe everything you posted, you have some growing up to do yourself. Next, do you honestly feel that you are entitled to some kind of control over your bf's relationship with his daughter? What planet are you from? Even the title of your post is ridiculous. "How do I deal with my boyfriends daughter"? The answer to that is; You don't. He does. I am not sure why I am even replying to you. Seeing as how you care only how to help yourself, it is obvious that you will only take my words as insults and not truth. People like you (lacking regard for others, and who believe the world revolves around themselves) make me sick. One last thing before I go and forget about you; he is too old and has too much going on for you guys to ever make it. Not to mention, you will never have your way with the daughter. She will always resent you, and I do not blame her. Unless you are gold digging (which is basically prostitution) what do you think you are going to get out of this relationship? In 20 years he will be over 70 years old, that is if he is even still alive. He will not be able to provide and perform for you in the ways that you would need. It hurts me to say these things to you, but you really need to hear and believe them. I know you won't though, so just go on ahead and prove me right about everything I have said. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010): You're around two years older than this "child". Female jealousy here? I feel for her.
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female
reader, veronika +, writes (18 January 2010):
 I would suggest it's probably got something to do with your age - 18 - 21. That's quite close to his daughter's age.
I'm not saying age gaps are bad - I used to date a 43 year old, and I'm 21 - but when there's older children involved, they can often feel a bit of resentment towards their parent's new partner, especially if the new partner (in this case, you) is close to their own age.
I don't think it was appropriate of you to tell your boyfriend how to parent his child - it's not your place. You're not her mother. That's probably what set off the daughter acting the way she does toward you. In the beginning, instead of trying to befriend her and be nice to her, you tell your boyfriend how he needs to parent his daughter, or "enlighten" him! That wasn't really necessary.
Try and tell the daughter that you don't want to come between anyone in the family, but that you also deserve to see your boyfriend. I think backing off needs to happen on both sides - hers and yours.
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