A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My mum has terminal cancer and is under palliative care. Recently she's gone downhill and my dad is preparing for her death. He's organising the order of service, timings, list of people to tell, music, food etc ringing people up and having lengthy discussions about the finer details. Yesterday he had the undertaker round for a visit to the house - where my mum is sick in bed. I had to join in their discussion and I just felt sick. She isn't dead yet! Today she is much brighter and got out of bed, sat with us and had breakfast, a massive improvement as previously she was in and out of a coma. He was still talking about the funeral, timings etc. He says he's only being practical, but I think we should be focusing on my mum who is still living and breathing.What do you think? Isn't it weird to bring the undertaker round when my mum is still alive? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2014): My mum's dad passed away a few months ago and we didn't plan his funeral ahead because we didn't know he was definitely going to pass away - since he was getting slightly better in hospital. I had a feeling we wouldn't get another chance to see him, so my sister went too, and that was the day he died.It's now left my gran and their daughters (my mum is one of their 3) to sort everything out now. It's horrible. It's plaguing their thoughts and making it harder for them to grieve and we've already HAD his funeral, but his ashes can't be put with his dad's coffin until the legal ownership is passed to my mum (next of kin) and it's taking months.There are so many long, drawn-out, negative things to be done when a loved one dies. It makes it even harder if you have to grieve at the same time.Trust your dad and allow him to do this. If your mother doesn't mind, it's because she knows how horrific it will be to deal with at the same time.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 June 2014):
 I think your dad being male, has an easier time with the practical side of death then the emotional side. I'n sure he is having a hard time being strong for your mother and he feels if he can't "fix" the cancer at least he can give her the most perfect send off.
I know it's hard to think of her funeral while she is still there. So maybe talk to your dad, ask him what he NEEDS help with and then just help, no matter what.
People deal with grief in many different ways. You dad s working through HIS grief his way. If the cancer situation has been ongoing for quite a while he might already have processed a lot of his grief as he has watched her decline for a long time. So maybe he feels that in order to hold on to HER he has to fix the ONLY thing he feels he can control. HER funeral. It is HIS way of showing his love.
My heart goes out to you, your dad and your whole family.
And I suggest you spend as much time with your mom as you can, because one day it will be too late.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (18 June 2014):
 Hello,
I'm really sorry to hear about your mom. Im sure its hard for all of you right now.
Having a partner who is terminally ill is one of the most difficult experiences anyone can endure and im sure your dad is doing his best. Your dad is probably, no he will be, unable to fully cope and accept what is happening. His coping strategy is to plan ahead, to get things sorted so that when she passes away he is ready to face it and its consequence. He wants this stuff sorted out now so that, when the time comes, he doesn't have to try and sort everything out with dealing with the loss of his wife. When my uncle passed away unexpectedly his poor wife had to deal with so many things, legal, financial, practical, that it made coping a lot harder. It may seem a tad cruel or heartless that your dad is doing all of these things, but its his coping strategy.
Sometimes people act oddly or irrationally when faced with such situations. It may seem unloving or insensitive at times but I think anyone can be forgiven for being at least a bit selfish or strange in that type of scenario. I knew a guy who's wife had cancer, who bought a new car and then spent weeks trying to find faults with it and taking it back to the garage with imaginary problems. Then he started waxing the car again and again and parking it with millimetre precision...He couldn't control his wife's cancer, so his reaction was to control his car, its paintwork, its position on the drive as a coping mechanism.
Control is what we try to seek and when control is taken away from us, we often feel the need to take control of other things, in your dads case, the funeral and so on.
Bringing in an undertaker is probably a bit insensitive and may of been hurtful to your mom, and maybe speaking to your dad about it and asking him to show a bit of restraint in that respect may be a good thing, but don't be too hard on him.
Your mom will have days when she is bright, chatty, comes down for breakfast and so on, but im afraid that is part of the nature of her condition. I know its not what you want to hear but it is not a sign that she will either recover, or go on living for a lot longer than expected. Terminal cancer goes through various stages of ups and downs, rather than a steady decline, before the patient sadly passes away.
One would think that a couple would want to spend a lot of time in each others company and enjoy the final weeks or days they have together, rather than spending time on technicalities. But its all part of the grieving process to sometimes avoid doing the very thing that, to an outsider looking in, may seem rational and caring. Blocking out reality is common, as is shutting out emotions. When a person knows their partner will die, they often distance themselves from their partner as it becomes harder to act normal together and not let grief and sorrow get in the way, plus its hard for them to allow themselves to open up and be close to someone they know they are going to loose.
Once again im sorry for you situation, and I hope your mom continues to have plenty of good days and continues to be bright for a while yet.
Mark
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2014): It really depends on what your Mum thinks. It sounds like she's still alert and lucid (at least some of the time) and some people LIKE to plan their funerals or be part of the planning.A friend of mine who was keen on the theatre spent her last few months planning hers with her family (and her undertaker). It was truly amazing - we had little service sheets printed like theatre programmes with "A Millie Smith Production" written on the top. And in her favourite pub later we had a little cabaret and a jazz band. Nonoe of this would have happened if she'd left all the planning to her husband and sons.It could also be that your Dad finds planning the funeral a useful distraction from the actuality of your Mum's pending passing. All your family will be experiencing grief at the moment (even though your Mum hasn't died yet) and everybody deals with this in a different way.YOU may feel it's best for your Dad to focus on your Mum's other needs but he may not be able to do that. You can do that though.Good luck
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (18 June 2014):
 I think that it is very practical to plan a funeral in advance, knowing that the end is near - but I agree that it is a little much having the undertaker over when she is in the house an still alive and kicking!
I think that some sensitivity needs to be held, here, but also maybe look at how he is feeling an coping because the funeral arrangements and throwing himself into those instead of focusing on her might be because he is having a particularly hard time facing the fact that this is coming to an end.
When my father got sick with terminal lung cancer, I tried to avoid seeing him as much as possible because I just didn't want to think that this could be it and somehow doing just about everything other than visiting with him or concentrating on him made it easier for me to block out the hard truth of the situation and I only got a couple of weeks to even comprehend that and then he was gone and now, in retrospect I do wish that I had put more time into visiting with him but none of us saw it coming and no one knew he was sick - I would have given anything to have had a little more time with him and to have worked it out and really utilized those last hours, days and all that he had left.
I wouldn't be too hard on him for trying to focus on something else, it must be incredibly hard to face the truth of the situation and he must be hurting desperately. I do think that if there is a way to be a little more sensitive to her though, from now on, perhaps that is the direction he needs to be guided with a gentle push.
Help him with the arrangements, take a little of that off of his shoulders and maybe try an talk to him to make sure he is ok, as well as perhaps encourage him to take a little time with her while she is still here.
I am sorry about your mother, I know it must be extremely hard to see her like that. Please remember to take a little time for yourself, here, too.
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