A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've got a question and I don't want to be judged I just want some light shed on the situationBasically I was with my ex partner for 5 years we had a son together had a relatively happy relationship. He did after our first year together cheat on me. I only found out after I had my son and we decided to make a second go of it. Things worked out for awhile but I couldn't really move on we had a massive argument and the police became involved and he moved about 100 miles away (I'd met him at university so he moved home) he's been coming to visit me and our son.We decided that we wanted to give it another go with the distance I admittedly love him so I wanted it to work we have been having sex and talking on the phone all the time and it was working out great. We went to visit him all the time too.This time he's come up told me he's met a girl and they have been together two weeks and slept together countless times but it was only a few days ago that he was talking about us and our relationship so he basically had us both on the go. He came up to visit us and told me he was only joking what he said on the Wednesday before he came on the Monday.I asked him why he did this he said he wanted a fresh start which is fine but why lead me on. Hes been here a couple of days now talked about our past sex life talked about us as a couple and even said if he broke up with this over girl he'd be open to being with me (I want to move on now to be honest) but he's been letting me put my feet up on his legs and cuddling and stroking my legs I'm confused what does he want. I know he's trying to appease me but I'm no mug I just want to be civil now for our son. Our son spent a few days in hospital, and all he could do is text her but texting her whilst rubbing my feet. Really???What's my ex playing at he's here till Friday, and we've had some heated arguments, I asked him if his new girlfriend is bothered about him staying at my house for a week and she's said (apparently) no I don't believe that for a second I would hate that. I don't know this girl only what he's told me.He also said the only reason she knows about our son is because he has photos on his Facebook not because he told her.I've told him he can't stay here anymore I let him stay because we were together.How do I distance myself? I can't help but feel after five years he's done this to me. But yes I do know it's time to move on but someone please shed some light on his behaviour. Talking about how he's going to miss sex and stuff with me...even Talking about what we were going to name our kids.....help
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (18 June 2014):
 So let me understand the situation that you described (as I understand it):
1. You and he fell in love... enjoyed sex and spawned a child.
2. He revealed himself as the DOG that he is... and took to cheating on you.
3. You couldn't stand being without him.... so offered sex to him in the hope that that would trigger some sort of reconciliation that would lead to re-constituting the original "fall in love" that you and he experienced.
4. He has taken up with other girls, taunted you about it,... then said, "Oh, ha-ha, I am just kidding."
5. He's continued to behave like a cad.
... and you want to know how to "get over him"?
Just read my 5 points, over and over, until it sinks in that this guy is a cad... is not even a fraction worthy of you... and YOU can do oh-so much better.... even by spending the rest of your life by yourself...
Does this help?
Good luck...
A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (18 June 2014):
 I think that this is a classic case of wanting his cake and eating it, too! He doesn't want to commit to you and is making a meal of seeing someone else while he is firmly planted at your house for a week here, there an whenever he seems to feel like it!
I think he was probably feeling guilty when he told you about the other girl and most likely immediately regretted saying anything and is now trying to cover his back a little to keep himself nice and cozy! The fact that you still have him there while he is with this mystery new woman means that he now thinks he can play that game and you won't necessarily mind, but you know, as you've said, that this isn't likely to end well and you're already done with the drama by the sounds of it!
It is a shame that things didn't work out with so many years put into the relationship, but the thing is, you know that if you were to get back together with him, after his little holiday and time off from your relationship, that things would just go back to how they were and most likely things will just continue to repeat themselves and go straight back to how they were before you broke up in the first place, which isn't good for anybody!
I would stop letting him come around to spend time with you and make it more about your child than him and let him have visits to see the child but make sure he knows that all relations and closeness with you are off the table.
Don't let him tell you that if he ended things with this girl then HE would be open to a relationship with YOU! He doesn't get to make that choice, YOU do! He made his bed, he needs to lie down in it and live with his poor choices and if he wants to be with you then it will have to be him and his hard work, effort and YOUR say-so that makes that happen, not his - he doesn't magically get to tell you he would be happy to oblige cause he doesn't have the ball, you do an you call the shots.
I would take time to distance yourself emotionally from him, cease all unnecessary contact with him and let him go off and live his fantasy life with his new girlfriend, with whom he is most likely bore already as he is still coming to you.
Cut off those emotional ties. Keep things pleasant for the child but make sure that your ex knows that this is NOT O.K and won't fly anymore. Tell him you want to be on your own and you need space and that it isn't you being mean, it is just what NEEDS to happen to get back to knowing yourself and adjusting instead of hanging on to this thread that will surely snap if you both tried to make a go of it.
Of course he is going to tell you that he is going to miss sex with you and all the rest of it - he will miss that relationship as we all do when we move on, but we mostly miss the bits that were good and forget the bits that made it a terrible idea to be together. He clearly wants to string you along and it pulling on your heart strings with his not-so-smooth talk - just cut that cord and let him work it out for himself. He can NOT have his cake and eat it, too and you will do just fine on your own!
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (18 June 2014):
 He is just telling you what you want to hear. He is happy to have you when he visits and when he is back home, the GF does the job. In other words he has best of both worlds. Time to kick his ass to the curb and move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2014): Original poster here just want to add I'm not interested in telling this girl what's happening I don't know here and I want her to find out what he's like on her own accord.
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