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age
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*arleyhogjon1
writes:My question, Should your spouse come 2nd (God is always 1st) or your adult children? My wife's daughter (my stepdaughter) is a full on alcoholic/drug addict. For over 3yrs now I have delt with the constant absence of my wife because her daughter insists on my wife coming over and doing whatever it is the daughter asks her to do. More recently it's been staying 2,3 an 4 nights a week. I have told my wife that she needs to let go of daughter and give our relationship more attention and devotion. My wife insists that if she doesn't do what her daughter wants then she will not be able to see her grandchildren. This daughter is out of control with reality, has no respect for my wife, calls her every dirty filthy name there is if my wife doesn't come to her every beckoning call. She has had her 2 children taking away by CPS and placed with the (X-hubby of my wife) to raise. My wife's daughter will even demand my wife drive her the 100+miles away to where her children are living with my wife's X-hubby So she can see her children. Then the daughter will disappear to a bar leaving my wife with her X. I have told my wife that she needs to let the apron strings go and let this child hit rock bottom. We have done everything there is to do find this child including 3 rehab centers and she still comes back and goes right back to drinking and drugging. On several occasions my wife has had to spend the night/s at her X-hubbys's home bed the daughter disappears to go get boozed/drugged up and doesn't come back for days. Our marriage has struggled so severely that I am slowly loosing my wife. I have asked and asked my wife to quit running to her daughter's every beckoning call and give our marriage the commitment that it deserves and me as her spouse the commitment she took vows for at our wedding. I have asked my wife to give US the attention, love, affection and devotion that I give it and put into it. But to no avail does this happen. I have told my wife that I feel as if I only exist if the daughter doesn't need her for anything. It's gone to the point where my wife's X-hubby thinks he can demand my wife go to his place and stay a few days and take care of the grandchildren so he can go play or go somewhere and that really annoys me (I would never think of spending nights on end at my X's home for even a day let alone up to a couple weeks like my wife has done) but I get told that I'm trying to control her by asking that she please stop and give us the the same commitment that she gives her daughter and the X-hubby. I tell my wife that as a spouse I or her come first when it comes to grown adult children and that neither of us should put our children ahead of our spouse, that our spouse is an should be our number one priority. But I get told that no matter what her children (especially this one) come first then me as the spouse come next. And not that it makes a difference but I have never asked for my wife to work outside of the home, I have enough in retirements so she doesn't need to, and I slowly see my retirement money go towards the daughter's utility bills and cell phone bill and food in her fridge ????????Am I right or wrong if I tell my wife that I/US should be come before our children as long as it's not a life or death situation. Please help with answering my question! I need all the advice I can get at this point.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (20 December 2018):
 Seek legal advise. Find out if you can stop your wife accessing your assets to support the junkie daughter. And then tell her (if its legal to do so), that you are not prepared to watch your retirement go down the drain. If you feel strongly enough about it give the ultimatum, but if you do this you MUST carry it through, seeing as she likes it as her ex husband's so much next time she goes there she can take her bags as well and not come back.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2018): I think you are entirely correct, that when you marry someone that is putting that person 1st (after God) in your life, yes even ahead of children (within reason). Your wife is an enabler. She is hurting her daughter, herself, and the grandchildren by doing this, but it sounds like she will continue until her daughter is dead. It is very sad. Addiction is a terrible, family destroying, thing. My advice to you would be to start attending AA or Narc-Anon meetings right away. Or look for another support group for families of addicts, there are many. Encourage your wife to attend with you, but if she will not please still go alone. If you feel you have done all you can, you may need to make a break from your wife. I hope it does not come to that, but you may be enabling her to enable her daughter. Your retirement funds should NEVER be used to support her, that is your life savings and you do not have time to make up those savings at your age, and I do not see the daughter being able to pay back this assistance or help you or your wife in your old age. Explain that you have put your wife first, but can no longer do so if she cannot give you the same consideration, and you will have to start putting yourself and your wellbeing (emotional, physical, financial, etc) before her now. It may be that she also needs to hit "rock bottom" to see that she is helping to kill her daughter by enabling her additions. I am so sorry for your situation, there is not much more as hopeless as dealing with a family member's additions.Best to you, R
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2018): My greaest sympathy goes to your wife. The poor woman must be under terrible stress, dispair, and must be physically and mentally exhausted. What a bad luck.You can relieve her a great deal if you can bring the children over to your house and help her look after them when their father is away or if he accepts have the children permenantly over in your house. That way you can ensure a decent upbringing for them too away from the influence of a junky mother. Your wifes daughter can't live for long, a single overdose will put an end to her miserable life. Just hope that her suffering won't take too long.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (19 December 2018):
 The difficulty here (for me) is that there are TWO issues: the ADULT daughter and the young grand-CHILDREN. Your wife and her ex seem to share parental responsibility for the children (unofficially) and I can fully understand why your wife cannot turn her back on THEM. They are her flesh and blood but have, to all intents and purposes, been abandoned by their mother (no mention of their father, so assuming he is not on the scene either). They are the innocents caught up in all this. None of this is their fault but they are highly vulnerable and need to be looked after. Your wife is just as much their family as is her ex (who is the drug addict daughter's father I assume).
When you wife's ex needs your wife to take care of the grandchildren for a few days, would it be possible for them to come to YOUR house? If not, if HE is away, can you not go with your wife to help take care of them so that you are together and showing her support? (While I don't agree with everything your wife is doing, I can only guess how much pressure she must be under.)
By allowing your wife free access to your money, you are effectively enabling the daughter to carry on as she is doing. If she has had repeated rehab sessions and still goes back to her old lifestyle, then she does not WANT to change. She has lost her children but still prioritizes drugs and alcohol over them. For most mothers, losing their children would be a wake-up call and the point at which they realized things had to change. This is obviously not going to happen to her.
While I understand your wife wanting to protect her "child" and keep her safe, she has to remember that your daughter is not short of money because she does not have access to any but because she CHOOSES to spend it on drugs and alcohol. Hard as it is, your wife needs to stop enabling your daughter to carry on like this by paying her bills (with YOUR money). You need to be firm with your wife and tell her that you have come to the end of your tether and will not carry on subsidizing her daughter's habit.
From your post I assume you are a religious man. Do you have a minister/priest who can talk with you and your wife to find a way through all this? Your wife may have to accept that she can do no more for her daughter. The money she keeps spending on her is just a sticking plaster to keep things going.
A very difficult situation and I do feel for all parties concerned: the grandchildren who have grown up knowing their mother prefers drugs and alcohol to THEM (I dread to think of the long term effects on them), your wife who is caught in the middle and trying desperately to keep her daughter safe (irrelevant whether she is adult or not as she is not ACTING like a responsible adult) and trying to help raise her grandchildren, your wife's ex who, having raised his own family now has to start all over again, you because you feel so alone and abandoned when you should be spending quality time with your wife, and even the daughter, whose life is spiraling out of control despite her mother's efforts to save her. A sad reflection on the effect drug abuse has, not only on the user but on whole families.
My only other thought is that you need to work WITH your wife in keeping her grandchildren safe. That way she is much more likely to try to prioritize your relationship than if you demand it as a right. That does NOT mean you have to pay for the daughter's habit though and, in my opinion, you should put your foot down on THAT score.
So sorry. A very difficult situation.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 December 2018):
 For me this would be an easy choice.
My GROWN child would come AFTER my spouse. And if that "child" were and addict on top of things, she would come AFTER the husband, the grand-kids and just about anyone else.
I think you need to put your foot down with the finances. Simply CUT off your wife from giving her daughter money or paying her bills. And then I think you need to talk to your wife about how she is ENABLING her daughter in NOT doing better for herself.
Your wife (I think) has a kind and loving heart but she isn't understanding that she ISN'T helping her daughter by letting the daughter walk all over her.
SET up visitation for the grand-kids with her ex-husband.If he has guardianship HE is in control, not the children's mom.
Maybe suggest your wife starts attending some Nar-anon group/ forums
https://www.nar-anon.org/
It might help her BETTER understand what she CAN do for her daughter and what she really SHOULDN'T do, if she wants to help.
But just telling your wife - "I should come first" isn't going to make her understand.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2018): You need to turn to you for help and advise, you need to take care of you from now on. The situation will get worse as time progresses and her alcoholism progresses, it will. You have enough retirement to start a fresh new life, a happy life, an adventurous life. The fork in the road.Do not waste your precious time on this earth, trying to change, reason, explain to people, who can not or will not listen. You will always be wrong and taken for granted.However I understand that If you love your wife, it is not easy to leave her (although I think you should leave her).Ask her to come with you, and if she refuses, I would set off an the adventure of a life time with your hard earned retirement money....before it goes, and take a look at the world with new eyes and meet women as friends on their travels. How exciting to wake up each morning feeling light and free from the never ending emotional turmoil that your present situation offers. What would you loose? be realistic, she is never there with you, she is guilting you into her selfish needs and her selfish daughter, who never cared enough about her own children to keep them. How can they care about you?New year, new adventure, start map making...life is too short if you are very unhappy.Or stay and accept things won't change or get much better and make the most. Your choice.
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