A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So my husband and I hit the one year mark for trying for a baby this week, and it has been pretty hard on us , me especially. I know its not a major panic at this point and there are many couples who have had to try much longer,so I don't mean to be insensitive to anybody who's had to try or been trying longer, but it has been stressful all the same. We are currently undergoing tests and they seem all fine(touch wood) so far. However, I am now in two minds whether I should tell my family and friends about our struggle.The thing is, I have gotten to where it is painful for me to talk about/see relatives babies and pregnancies, last week I was at a family gathering and my cousin showed me his wife's sonogram photo three times. I know he meant no harm, but I had to fake a smile when I really felt like crying. And don't WANT to THAT woman who has "fertility problems" and people to feel they have to tiptoe round me and share anything baby related with me. But then again, I can't expect people to be sensitive about how I'm feeling if they don't know! If anyone can offer me some advice on this I'd really appreciate it, whether you think I should just be honest or just keep this between me and my husband. I worry that by being open about this, I will feel labelled as "infertile" and I just feel that that would intensify my anxiety, but it could also be a weight lifted. What would you guys do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2014): Over-sharing the most intimate details of your marriage is foolish.
Your family (and anyone else badgering you when you'll produce a fetus) is overstepping by placing you in the position of giving them a progress-report on what's going on in your bedroom! Sometimes you've got to learn to grin and bear it, or politely change the subject. You must refuse to let people lead you into a trap. Least of all overreacting emotionally; even if it is only on the inside.
Are you trying to have a baby for them; or do you and your husband want a child as a symbol of your love and union?
What's your priority? Even if you adopted a child, that would take time. Getting children takes time, any way you cut it!!! Some people pop out babies like pimples, and some take awhile longer. Well, you will take a little longer.
Nature takes her sweet time, and if it isn't fast enough for you, live in frustration! Your alternative is to await that blessed moment of discovery on the positive-pregnancy test, with patience and hope.
My older sister and brother-in-law tried for three years, and she was eventually told she can't have kids. Yes, family, co-workers, and nosy-rosies plagued personal questions. I come from a family of people who mind their own business. Not my brother-in-law!!! Not having the medical technology of the day, she didn't bother with fertility tests, and just never gave-up. They adopted a beautiful baby-boy; which took them through a grueling adoption process. If I could show you the look on their faces when they showed the family that baby the day they picked him up. Nobody knew about the adoption, until a month before he arrived!!!
Two years later; she says she woke-up puking her guts out. She thought she had a stomach virus. She found out she was pregnant!!! All I know about it is what we talked about one day. It was never shared with anybody else that I know of; until her son was born. I never knew she was told she couldn't have kids!!! She never explained why they chose adoption either! I thought they were just building careers. Never felt it any of my business.
People go as far as you let them, and too far if you don't stop them. It is up to you where to draw the line. Babies take when nature takes it's course. Sorry, but you nor they will ever know the moment that will happen.
There is also this thing with braggarts who like rubbing your nose in it. Just take it with a grain of salt.
You can't go around with a chip on your shoulder angry and upset with everyone who has what you want and don't have. One of the most important things my siblings I were taught as we were growing up together is; you have to be an adult before you become a parent. Adults make the best parents!
You will be faced with challenges that hurt your feelings.
Things that hurt your feelings are not fatal. Just uncomfortable. Maturity teaches us to use certain tactful reactions as coping mechanisms. How to bow-out gracefully, or put the brakes on unacceptable behavior from others.
If you fall apart because someone showed you a sonogram photo; it was you who interpreted that as something painful. They are sharing a joy. You turned that into a personal-attack. They had no idea when they were going to get pregnant. It was all by chance. It seems sometimes the only time people are certain to get pregnant, is when it is unplanned or inconvenient!
You have already established there is nothing wrong physiologically; then it is only a matter of time. Which any knucklehead who can tie his shoes can figure-out; without you and your husband calling a family-conference to tell everyone you're having frequent sex, and nothing has happened so far. Toughen up, because if you're going to be a parent; these same people are also going to challenge your abilities and fitness as parents! It never ends!
Don't feel so isolated with something that happens to couples like you all over the world by the millions.
Sometimes there are forces of goodness that delay things we want now, for a time when it is better suited for us to receive them. You don't always get what you want when you want it; and you don't hate or resent others who have. Grow-up!
Your solution to go out and tell everybody you're struggling, is a public-announcement that you're not really ready to be parents; because you're allowing them to pressure you. To pry open your personal-life, and admittedly giving-in to your frustrations. Breaking under the pressure.
You both must be strong. Believe. Your day will come.
Maintain heart and hope. Blessings come when the time is right. Sometimes sooner, than later. It will be that much more of a joy when you've really wanted it badly, and your moment arrives. Be patient. Let no others rock your hope, or push you faster than you can produce. It will happen when it happens, and you have to be sane when it does.
What if you don't get pregnant for the next few years; are you going to destroy your marriage by catering to curiosity and the prying and cruel judging of relatives?
HELL NO!!! You're not going to turn love-making into a forced and ugly act of frustration. You're going to love each other and continue to smile and tell people, you're looking forward to the day. They neither need, nor deserve anymore than that from you.
IT'S NONE OF THEir FRACKEN BUSINESS WHEN YOU GET GET PREGNANT!
If they know a sure way to make it happen tomorrow, be open for the suggestions; and share THAT with the world!!!
Just focus on loving each other; and that will bring you all the things your union deserves.
Good luck to you, my dear!
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