A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there. I've been talking to a wonderful guy for a month or two now, things are going really well. It started as just friendly conversation, banter via text message and talking about everything we have in common, but the conversations went on deep into the night. I felt excited and comfortable talking to him about anything. Everyday we spoke til midnight . We then ended up asking each other "questions" and they were mostly dirty qustions which then resulted in sexting which was fun for both of us. But at that point I wondered if he was using me for sex. We then met up the weekend after the sexting , had a drink and a laugh together and we ended up kissing and it led to sex, which was amazing and spontaneous and unexpected. I thought I'd messed everything up by sleeping with him so early on and that would be the end of our friendship. But we are still messaging daily, now the sexting and dirty talk has gone and now turned into the sweetest, romantic conversations, about how he wants me to be his ,he wants to travel the world with me, treat me like a princess and wants everyone to know that I am his. He's told me that I'm way out of his league and he can't believe that I am interested in him and that he is In awe whenever he looks at me..that he is getting butterflies and is the happiest he has felt in years. I feel amazing and we are meeting for lunch almost everyday now and I've never felt so happy. He's told me he wants to spend all the time in the world with me . It feels so natural between us and my friend (who we met through) told me that we are so well suited and that he would look after me. His last relationship was almost 10 years ago and he has been lonely for years . He struggles with Anxiety ( the same as I do ). But I have a problem, I'm terrified. I've been hurt so much in the past with people pretending to be in love with me that I'm worried this will happen with him too. Even though He says all these things to me, part of me is so worried to fully commit to him and then in a few years he breaks my heart or he gets bored of me . He is loved by all and a great friend to people and Your typical nice guy who would move mountains for people, He told me last night for the first time that he wishes he could call me his girlfriend. I told him I do too but I want to take my time to know him even more. does anyone have any advice? Should we take it slowly or jump into this and take the risk ? What is the typical length of time people wait before going official with each other ? Thanks
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male
reader, Roboaxe  +, writes (20 September 2017):
 He seems like a good guy, maybe a wee bit too sappy (which I am guilty of from time to time), but I say keep dating him.
The fact that he is still seeing you after sex and actively enjoys texting and talking to you is a VERY good sign. You're clearly very special to him.
If he proposes, then that's a red flag as you two are very young and barely started seeing each other.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2017): For people your age; sex is never unexpected, my dear!
Sexting is only an invitation and confirmation that you're willing, and available. Guys will do their very best to shift all conversations to the topic of sex. Hormones will take-over and do the rest.
I chuckled after reading how he switched from dirty-talk and sexting to "sweet-talk." He's quite a player, he is! You are terrified; because your gut and common-sense have kicked-in.
Never be lulled and seduced by sweet-talk. He knows you're available for sex; because you had sex early-on. He wants to be sure that door remains open. Don't swallow crap about being told you're beautiful, you're his princess, and all that muckity-muck. Seriously?!! Stay focused, girlfriend!
It's almost insulting to the intelligence. He sounds too good to be true; so you now put sex on the back-burner, and get to know each other in a more intellectual-way. That means talk. No just "chat."Listen to his dreams, goals, and aspirations. How much of them has he actually accomplished? Learn about his past. Get to know what kind of people he hangs-out with.
Listen particularly to his likes and dislikes. Get a good understanding of his values; and test his opinion on various topics ranging from race to politics. Is he homophobic, does he have an excessive-number of lady-friends and exes? What's the longest commitment he's ever been in?
All that sweet-talk and moving mountains is superficial; and looking at him through rose-tinted glasses. That's where you've messed-up in the past. Check-out his temper. Does he show manners, how does he treat older-people; and does he show generosity and kindness randomly? Do your parents like him? Is he cocky, or confident? There's a difference.
You see, my dear; silly woman want to be treated like goddesses and get all wrapped-up in romantic-fantasy. They don't mind much about a guy's character and maturity. All that nice stuff you described can be pure facade. Keep your eyes open for his true colors. Is all that good-stuff what he told you? Or have you actually seen the evidence; and witnessed it with your own eyes? Believe mostly what you see, not just what you hear!
Date for as long as you can, before labeling him with your boyfriend-stamp! Let him get to know you and see how consistent he is. If he is this prefect-guy you seem to think he is?
Determine if he likes you; or just likes having sex with you?
One of the most important things most of the young-women lack who come to this site, is patience. You want to hear a guy use the L-word too soon; and you're swept off your feet with bullsh*t sweet-talk. Go with the flow, don't put-out every-time you see him; and watch his actions around his buddies. Don't fall for a mouthful of candy-coated words.
The length of time you wait and decide to commit? That would be when you feel trust has been earned. When you can feel the emotional-connection; based on his consistent actions. Not just his flowery-use of words.
When you see that he hasn't changed how well he treats you, he shows patience about sex, and he shows you a lot of respect. Even after sex. He's boyfriend-material! That guy is a keeper!
I know not many young-women read or care about my old-fashioned advice on this topic. I do know that I have wisdom and experience to backup what I say. I am a man, I know men, and my relationships last. If I can plant a seed in a smart-girl's brain; I know that advice will bloom into useful knowledge. They come back and tell me, and thank me!
You can't always be right; but when you're acting without the benefit of knowledge, you're sure to make huge and unnecessary mistakes. If I can help you bypass some of those mistakes; I've given something good back to help young people. That makes me feel good.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (15 September 2017):
 The main thing is if you don't feel ready to commit then don't. Take your time until you are completely sure that you are ready. There is no hurry and no set rules. It is whatever you are both comfortable with. It sounds like you have both hit it off really well. Try not compare him to men from the past, I know it is hard to do, but you need to learn to trust him for who he is and not tar him with the same brush as others. I hope it goes well for you.
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A
male
reader, Sam Wilson +, writes (15 September 2017):
 Dear Poster, This guy sounds nice on paper, but I really suggest that you get to know this guy better, with 3 dates or so. Declaring the relationship is ultimately up to the two of you. Afterall premarital relationships are just labels, if you feel that you are close enough and that the love between the two of you is strong, the duration of the relationship doesnt really matter. I get that starting a relationship maybe intimidating and that being close to another person is scary with fear of being hurt. But the thing is love requires courage, it requires sacrifice. I know that it sounds cliche and that the answer is pretty obvious ,but let yourself be vulnerable and get to know this guy; see for yourself if he really is boyfriend material. I get that you also suffer from anxiety but the thing with LOVE is it is a GOOD scary. Seeing yourself having something to lose is good, it makes you appreciate everything you have and makes you appreciate everythng you WILL have. Getting close enough to someone doesnt have to hurt if you dont let it,Im afraid thats just something one has to learn. A relationship is as much about having fun and embracing the time you have getting to know your partner as it is with developing close ties woth them, it doesnt have to be stressful or hurtful if you embrace it.Good luck and take care, please dont miss any opportunities life gives, its better to know your wrong than continuing to live with anxiety and regret.
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