A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Married nearly 13 years. 3 children.Nearly divorced a couple of years ago but we went to counseling for 18 months, and now live together peaceably, but the spark went out years ago.I’ve been fantasizing about an affair for some time. I’ve come close to having an affair with a work colleague but I backed out (she was single and worked for me: I didn’t feel it was fair or right), and I’ve been given the cold shoulder by an ex-colleague even though she evidently fancies me and is in an unfulfilling relationship (good for her, kind of).I’m fantasizing about a relationship and chatting women up more and more – and this wasn’t something I ever thought about a few years ago. It’s becoming a bit of an obsession.The subjects of affairs has come up a few times recently – mostly instigated by me I think – and my wife has always said it’s not the sex she would object to, but the deceit. But is it possible to have a successful ‘open’ relationship – should I ask her if she wants that ?!? What does a woman who says that really want/expect ?That’s the first partThe second is:Our kids went to their Grandparents on Valentines Day and I cooked a meal for my wife and I, and then we went to the pub in the evening for a drink. We had a pretty good chat. When we got home I went upstairs and when I came down my wife closed down Facebook on our home computer. That happened twice, and when she came up to bed I thought she had a bit of a spring in her step. Of course that could have been the thought of what was about to happen... strangely, although there’s no spark/ we don’t feel in love, our sex can be pretty good and can be frequent. If we can be bothered ! A few months ago I was unemployed (made redundant) for a few months. I noticed then that my wife spent a lot of time on Facebook and always closed it down when I came near. So I looked at her Facebook page.She has just two friends (not really, you understand !). One is a female friend I know and the other is a man I don’t know. So I looked up his Facebook page. Well, my wife has talked about some special holidays on the back of a boyfriends bike in a particular part of the world and he loves motorbikes and that part of the world. So I guess he is an ex-boyfriend. He’s married, with kids.So the next morning I asked my wife about Facebook. She said she didn’t use her page anymore, and hadn’t for months, but on a whim coming back from the pub had just wanted to check it. (Okay, but it was Valentines Day, though that could be entirely coincidental). She asked me whether I was concerned with her contacting ex-boyfriends or something (!)... I just wanted to politely mention it, not have a row, so I didn’t comment on that. She said nothing was going on, and seemed pleased that I’d been bothered. I wondered if this explains why my wife often appears to be somewhere else when we’re talking, and not really ‘in’ our relationship.I guess many will have read this and written me and my wife off. I’m not claiming any moral high-ground for either of us, least of all me. I’d love some suggestions. Do I just trust my wife until/unless something changes ? Do I try to find out about my wife’s Facebook activity (is it possible to ?), or ask her again about the friend? do I get the passion I need by having an affair with someone else (barmaid at the pub/ random from the internet)? Do I ask my wife if she would mind me having an affair and like to have one herself ?!? (Please remember we have kids – our great responsibilities)Any helpful advice will be greatly appreciated.
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affair, divorce, facebook, spark, the internet Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (16 February 2010):
Try looking up marriage enrichment courses in your area. Your marriage seems to be in a comfort zone where you are now taking each other for granted. You need to appreciate each other and bring back that spark by really being forced to deal with issues you are both ignoring. More than anything, you sound bored and are looking for a spark of excitement. An affair would be the wrong way to go about it; you will ruin your marriage, your kids' lives, everything. When you cheat on your wife then you are also cheating on your kids because you are diverting your affection away from the family. It costs money and time to have an affair (motels, phone calls, time away etc.) and at the end of the day, its one big regret for you. I'm yet to meet anybody who hasn't regretted an affair. As for an open marriage, you could risk mentioning it but that might cause a huge row. But if you are willing to risk the fight then bring it up and see what she says. But can you handle it if she agrees? Have you thought about how you will feel about her seeing someone? As for your suspicions about her, it sounds like you are seeing shadows because you have been thinking about cheating yourself. Unless you have concrete evidence, the info you gave is not enough to warrant suspicion or a full investigation.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (16 February 2010):
First up, no affairs. That will only make this a lot worse. More than anything, you both need to sit down and start working on this again. Your wife seemed bothered when you checked up on her, so she cares. Your best bet is to get back to working on your marriage. Tell her you feel the spark is missing and that you would like to spend more time with her. And listen to her.
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