A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So, Confused for something I haven't done wrong. I have been in a rocky off and on again relationship for more than 4yrs. I have been through physical violence and disrespect you name it..infidelity and everything in the book..I've taken him back but now I think I just have had enough..The icing on the cake was that I already feel stupid for allowing a boy cheat on me that i made it be known that I would never allow him to do it again..yesterday, we got into a little argument which was minor and he left me a message telling me that he will open the doors for me and let me know that he has been talking to another woman but hasn't took it seriously cuz of me..and that I'm so negative and at least this woman would appreciate him more and luv him for him..I've had enough..I'm 35yrs old with 2boys 15 and 8..good job my own apartment..he feels that since he buys me things and gives me money he feels I should tolerate his bs..I need to know if its normal for a woman to allow someone to do half of the stuff he has done..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2010): I agree with the other posters and funny enough I myself was in a similar situation and during a particularly nasty 'argument' that he cause over nothing and during which he insulted me appallingly, I put all the stuff he had bought me (jewellery, designer bags, you name it) onto the bed in a pile, well actually I chucked it all onto the bed including the rings I was wearing and told him 'you can keep all that if you are going to call me a 'bit*h' & abuse me cos none of it means anything without love and respect'. He got the shock of his life. We ended up parting in the end cos he didn't change his ways & he is now going out with someone who is simply grateful to have a man, is very 'submissive' to him and hangs onto his every word because she is terrified he will leave her. She does everything he wants and she literally looks like a 'worry wart' - don't let this happen to you. You sound like a strong intelligent woman who can do much better than this loser. take care and good luck :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2010): Don't fall into the 'I buy you thinks so look what a nice guy I am and how good I am to you' trap. My ex BF bought me expensive rings & watches & bracelets etc including a watch for nearly £1000. He was 'generous' at xmas & birthdays & took me out to dinner etc etc .. but he verbally abused me and hurt my confidence and I ended up getting ill. The presents and money were just a mask and of course he felt like he owned me because he paid for most of the stuff I was wearing including a very expensive bag from Furla etc etc .. So every time he was nasty I said to myself & my friends 'oh but he can be so affectionate and nice and so generous' etc etc .. There is always a bottom line and that is, no matter how generous he is materially, if he is not compassionate, respectful and generous emotionally, then he is not the man for you. Cheating is out of order. He is manipulative in saying that other women would appreciate him etc etc .. You have a good job, own apartment, two sons to care for, you are young & have your whole life ahead. If you really love him and believe he can change and that counselling could help turn him around then maybe that would help. I would adopt a zero tolerance policy to anything you decide is not acceptable to you, by your own standards, ie cheating & verbal abuse/manipulation etc .. and then you will protect yourself from the damage that he could do if he deviates. Some women can turn a blind eye to cheating in return for a comfortable lifestyle and keeping their man .. but many women can't. You have not done anything wrong though so don't feel guilty at all. Take space from him to think about what you want and you might find yourself very surprised to realise that you are ok without him. I think you should get yourself away from him .. the thing that unnerves and disturbs me in particular is that you mention violence .. that is an absolute NO NO and especially as you have two children. I agree with the other poster really. I am all for saving relationships, especially where people have been together a while and there are children involved but sometimes it is better to cut your losses. You remember how he makes you feel and by the sounds of your post, he doesn't make you feel that great a lot of the time so see how you feel without him. Take time out to focus on yourself, treat yourself to nice massages and dinner with a friend, take your kids out without him and do something fun. Ignore his calls if you don't feel like speaking to him and you will experience that light hearted free feeling again. Also, don't cut yourself off from other possibilities .. get to know male friends gradually and who knows what might blossom. You must have worked hard to get where you are ... so surely you deserve more than this and you deserve to feel good. If you are of a mind and have a minute, just google 'michelle obama katie couric' and an interview will come up (about 30 minutes long) and if you go to the end MO gives some great advice re dating and how we should feel when dating and when NOT to get married to the guy ... I really enjoyed the whole interview as it talked about opportunities for girls and health etc .. but I liked that little bit at the end ... Take care & I hope you sort out what you want and that you and your children are happy and feel good. We only have one life. You did Not do anything wrong & even if you have made an mistakes none of us are perfect and cheating and violence are not the way to deal with any issues between a man a woman. Best wishes x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2010): You should consider giving him a wake up call. Pack all his gifts into a box and give them back to him. Tell him you will come up with a payment plan to give him back his money then tell him you never want to see him again. There is power in showing a guy through meaningful action that his money means nothing. I have a millionaire boyfriend who bought me a mercedes then started acting like I should be grateful by being rude to me like your guy. I went and parked his car at his work and left the keys at reception. Inside were all his trinkets in a brown cardboard box. I caught a cab home then I didn't take his calls for a week. I would just let it ring or send a busy signal. He showed up at my door with his tail between his legs and I took the opportunity to tell him his money will never buy my love; only his respect will. He apologised and admitted he has never had his gifts thrown back in his face. Pleaded with me to take the car back but I parked it for a month and continued to use my old Nissan just to drive the point home. Even picked him up in that Nissan!!! Now he is proposing and everything, just because I stood up for myself. So do something crazy to wake him up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2010): You are not abnormal at all- it is so hard to get out of these sort of situations and so easy to get into them. But you shouldn't put up with this sort of thing; you don't have to, and you deserve better. You say you have a good job and apartment, so that is great- you can be independent. You need to get rid of this guy who seems to be causing you so much heartache. That is not normal- a good relationship is not based around cheating, violence, etc. Also, and I think this is really important, you need to think about your kids in this. What sort of image do you think they get when this guy is upsetting their mum so much, and you are letting him treat you so badly? For their sake as well as your own I think you have to leave him now. This isn't how things should be. You need to be brave and strong, and get away from him. Concentrate on your kids for now, and get used to living without all this abuse again. I think you know it's the right thing to do.
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