A
male
age
36-40,
*agic_man
writes:im 23 and my girlfriend is 21. we have been together for over a year now and lately i have been thinking i want to get engaged to her!!i love her more than anything, she means the world to me! se has no idea that im thinking about this and i havent got a clue what she would say!! im just looking for some opinions to help me decide if its a good idea!! im sure of how i feel and i know its what i want but i have no clue what she would think about it! we dont even live together yet!!
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male
reader, daletom  +, writes (26 August 2008):
Hmmmm . . . there are several things we should discuss here. I suppose if she truly "has NO idea" what you're thinking, then I wonder if she's anywhere near ready to be engaged.
Let me dismiss a couple of superficial factors. I do NOT think you are too young to be thinking of this. Both of you are between adolescence and adulthood - not children, but not fully mature, either. I'm in no position to judge which side of that demarcation you lean toward. If you have been in a serious friendship or dating relationship for a year, it's not necessarily too soon to be thinking of this, either. Yes, things may well go better if you were a little older, or the acquaintance had a longer history, but I won't say these need to be major obstacles to your future together.
I can speak to your age and relationship longevity with some authority. My wife and I were both 23 when we married, exactly one year plus two weeks after we first met. We are still married (to each other!) 34 years as of last week.
Some knowledgeable friends, whose wisdom and judgement we respect, thought we were rushing things. Others thought we were on the short side of "reasonable"; I don't recall anybody suggesting we waited too long.
What doesn't show up in those statements is that we wrote to each other, increasingly serious letters on real paper, for three months before we ever met. Some aspects of our relationship solidified at a faster rate when we were writing - before we met - than after we became acquainted in person. You two may have successfully formed that kind of bond in the year you've been together.
Rather than ask "Should we be getting engaged?", I think you should ask "Do we plan to marry, and what needs to be accomplished before we marry?".
Others have indirectly referred to the idea I want you to consider: An engaged couple intends to marry. An engagement isn't some kind of "promotion" in social status (like you get promoted from 9th grade to 10th grade in school) after "going steady" or dating. It's not a trial marriage, or a substitute for marriage. It's a statement of a definite intent to become husband and wife. In many ways it's a promise, a contract, or an obligation. It's NOT irrevocable like marriage itself, but it IS a serious matter.
During your engagement you should be developing unqualified agreement on the fundamentals in several areas. Some details can be left unspecified, or even in a state of disagreement, but on fundamental matters you must be entirely together.
The first item is the meaning and significance of marriage itself. Before we even started writing my wife and I believed that marriage is for a lifetime. There's no "unless" or "except" or "if it doesn't work . . . ". The "person" we form as a couple takes precedence over the individual persons we are separately. Others define marriage in weaker terms, such as establishing a household for mutual convenience, the social esteem of being a couple, simple economic benefits, or just staking out a sexual "territory". While I personally disagree with any definition short of lifetime commitment, AT LEAST make CERTAIN that you two have an IDENTICAL definition!
Secondly you need some kind of unifying life goals. That doesn't mean you need to outdo each other with your dream castles, but it DOES mean that you have to see yourselves moving through life together. Will there be education, careers, relocation? Your two sets of goals don't have to be identical (that invites destructive competition), or even similar, but they can NOT be contradictory or mutually exclusive! In the best situation you will be complementary to each other - a "team".
The third place to agree is on what a "family" is. What are the obligations of each member of a family, to each other and to the family? To what extent is one partner joining the other partner's family of origin, and to what extent are they becoming a totally separate and autonomous family? Will there be children? (That's typically an area of unresolved details - how many, when, etc - but DO NOT think you will "work it out" if one wants kids and the other is dead set against it!) In retrospect, my wife and I had a major advantage during our dating and engagement because circumstances compelled us to spend MANY weekends as guests in the homes of each others' families - with parents, siblings, relatives, old friends, etc around. We "caught" each other's concept of family by observation and interaction, rather than being "taught" in abstract discussion.
The fourth area to agree is finances. If the money (savings, paychecks, inheritances, etc), debts (mortgage, school loans, credit card balances), and obligations (rent, utilities, groceries) are in piles of "his" and "hers" - figuratively or literally - I don't think you have a marriage as much as a business arrangement. I see this as a real problem in a LOT of marriages! Selfishness, materialism, and greed kill more marriages than infidelity, physical separation, or sexual coldness. It requires both of you to set aside a lot of materialism, and several decades of social conditioning by our culture. It could mean that one (or both!) of you need to do a lot of financial re-arranging before marriage - pay off the credit card, or get a job, or agree to put the house into joint ownership, for instance.
The last area (you knew this was coming, right?) is sex. What is its significance - the eternal bonding of two souls, or something you do to feel good with whoever is handy? What kind of sexual exclusivity do you expect? How about exclusivity as it extends to past partners - more couples than you realize are haunted by their (or their partners') sexual activities before the marriage - even after being married for decades! I do NOT think you need to test your "sexual compatibility" before marriage by sleeping together, but you DO need to show each other that you understand and support each others' needs and expectations in this area. (My wife and I exchanged our virginities - she took mine, and I got hers in return - on our wedding night.)
How long it takes to reach agreement on these things depends on the couple. Obviously, it takes longer for a pair of 16-year old High School students than a pair of 25-year old medical school students. And, as I implied in my opening comments, the length of your acquaintance and dating before engagement is also important.
As for "living together" - I don't think it's a good idea for your long-term benefit. Establishing a joint household at a physical level is not the same as the household that develops out of your togetherness in the mental and emotional realms. "Living together" does NOT create the sense of mutual obligation, and respect, that are at the core of a marriage. Living together creates and reinforces an entire mindset of "this is a trial arrangement that I can always get out of", which is NOT a healthy attitude to bring to your marriage.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2008): Hi I have been married to my husband for over 26 years. We were married when we were both 20. I don't regret one minute.Married is a serious commitment, but to grow old toghether and to always know you will have each other is awesome. Just make sure it's not lust but love.Are both of you able to be flexable to each others ways? Marriage means you have to both give, even when ypu think your way is right. Always look at it from both views before you critisize another. I will never forget November Friday the 13 when he popped the question, I was and still am the happest woman in the world. Ask yourself does she make you whole? Look and see is she truely your soulmate? Then let your heart speak/ make the decision. (You will never know if you don't try, don't let the right one get away because you think you deserve or can get something better. Good luck, maybe you will be answering someones question like this in 26 years. Your heart just answered you. Go for it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2008): you should definitely tell her how you feel.if she isn't
ready to get married,then wait until she is,if you love her
that much.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2008): Hey,well, perhaps it would be advisable to wait for both of you to finish your studies and also wait and see how things go, although it is a lot in terms of dating its not that much, especially if you plan on being with her for the rest of your life,because an engagemet is a great commitment, which involves that you shoul already be thinking on how you would pay the house bills, the ohne bills, her bills etc. also if you two plan in having a kid then theres more bills. plus weddings are costly so there is more into an engagement then just love.and a year is perhaps not suffiecient seeing as you two are young. I suggest you take some time to re-think the situation and analyse it better. get o know each other better. You could move in together, if you have not done so, to see how she is at home. its all little details you should take in considration.also, you do not know what she wants since you seem to be clueless of what her answer would be. If the love was as big as you say it is then yu would at east have n idea on her answer.hope it all goes well.best of luck for both
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