A
female
age
36-40,
*Dreamer_
writes:Dear Cupid,Thanks for taking the time to read this - whoever you are.I've been with my husband for 3 years. We come from different continents, but met while I was traveling in his country. We traveled together and it was fun at the beginning as we were just getting to know each other. Everything was so exciting and we imagined a future together.However, it seems lately that the magic disappeared and all we're left with is our differences. He is very sociable and would go out all the time. I'm more of an introvert and I'm happy with just having him as my partner. He said he got bored of just being the two of us, even though he has many friends and goes out with them regularly. I feel abandoned and alone.Then there's another issue of different backgrounds. He's a musician wannabe and plays on the street. I have a postgrad degree. I just feel we're not on the same level, he simply doesn't get what I'm saying. Also, he doesn't really want to change or learn more, he's fine as he is. I adapted a lot to his world, even play some instruments a bit. He hasn't. I'm also going through some depressing times and he's just not there for me. He says we spend so much time together, but that's not true. Sure, we eat and sleep and happen to watch the same movie, but we're not together. We're worlds apart. He never invites me anywhere, never plans anything nice for us, I feel he doesn't have enough interest to make me happy, wanted, loved.So here we are, 3 years later, unsure what to do. Should we just split and carry on with our lives separately? We still have feelings for each other, but is that really enough? What to do, what to do? I appreciate your advice Dear Cupid.Peace xx Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2015): I wish you both well-I think you're both "providing" but different things to the marriage.
You want HIS whole world to be YOU though. "Only us against the world"-I love that idea and I'd like it to be true, but the reality is we need a network, a net to fall in when things go bad- friends,family etc.
I think you need to work a bit on that (so you don't rely entirely on him emotionally EVEN in a NEW place) and he needs to work on earning a living (so he doesn't rely entirely on you financially).
There needs to be a balance, that's all.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 May 2015):
 Yeah well, like WiseOwlE said too, he might be crying because he sees the gravy train coming to a stop !
Precisely for this reason, although normally I would agree with WiseOwle also on the fact that taking " breaks " in a marriage is neither wise nor helpfhul, in your case I think you could try an interesting experiment :
You leave and go rest and relax and enjoy your summer wherever you prefer.
But at the end of the summer, you do not just pick him up and whisk him away to some other fun cool exciting place where he can start doing exactly what he is doing now, or worse, after having managed somehow to while away his carefree summer with a little help from his friends ( sleeping on their couches, sharing their food etc. )
No no. Let's raise the bar a bit.
He stays in the cool fun place and for once shift his focus from street music to steady, gainful employement And, if a poor job market and his lack of qualifications do not allow him access to anything fancy and cool, but just to ,heavy manual work- great. The pay is low ? ..he can do overtime, Or take an EXTRA job. The heavier and humbler the better - he must PROVE you his staying power and willingness to make sacrifices when it's necessary for the couple. Too easy just breezing away to some other romantic paradise... knowing that he just needs to be a bit more lovey -dovey, - and you'll pick up all the tabs again.
Let him live like the non artistic, non free spirited people live; it won't take his talent away, nor will do him any harm for a few months ( although I am sure it would cramp his style ).
And, of course , HE should locate and prepare and acoomodation for when you will be back, so he should put in a deposit, he should make it clean and tidy for when you'll be back, etc.
He should assume ( true or false that it is ) that the plan is NOT to just up and go live like Peter Pan and the Lost Boys for the next future, with you in the role of an indulgent , undemanding and generous Wendy
Let him sweat it for a while. For himself and for you- while you recharge your batteries after a long 18 months of work, responsibilities and home management.
If it's the MARRIAGE that he wants to save, he will do it , and without grumbling ( because he'd understand where you are coming from and your doubts and hesitations ). If it's the gravy train, instead.....
Let him put his money where his mouth is. Talk is cheap, and crying, even cheaper !
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2015): Uhm...you can't just up and leave a marriage and think you can comeback and pickup where you left-off. Am I reading you right?
You know, so many posts we get start out "woe is me." Then as we aunts and uncles take our time to thoughtfully respond to each OP's concerns; there are these "sudden turns." Suddenly they love the perpetrator who breaks their heart, and it wasn't as bad as they portrayed things to be.
Things just don't drastically turn on a dime since you've written your posts. Suddenly he wants to make a change and love you. Maybe because he sees the gravy train coming to a stop.
I don't recommend taking a break from a "marriage." Either stay together and work on it together; or leave for good.
Don't play passive-aggressive games of abandonment; because you may comeback to "nothing." I smell psychological-
manipulation going on here here, and you're going to hurt yourself; not him. He has a built-in support-group. You're still trying to set-up a situation where you've got him all to yourself. I'm sorry, that isn't going to work. Not on him, or any other man you pull that number on. You could find someone who obsesses over you, and wants to isolate you from the world. You better find a happy-medium, or you will always be "taking breaks."
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female
reader, _Dreamer_ +, writes (27 May 2015):
_Dreamer_ is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat's the thing: I do love him. A lot actually. And we do have our nice moments, it's not all bad (as I might have described it, but yeah, we tend to focus on the negative) and was completely different before we moved to this city and he made all these new friends. I think he got influenced a lot by the crowd he's hanging out with. He finally listened to me now and admitted that. Anyway, now comes the hard part: he now realizes he's on the verge of losing me and he's really making efforts not to. He says he got sidetracked and blinded by all the things happening in this city and forgot about his love to me. He cried and wrote letters. He proposed we left right now to somewhere else - that was the plan eitherway, but somehow he didn't want to miss the summer here - as it's sooo cool. But now he says he doesn't care about all this, all he wants is us to be together. I tried to be as neutral as possible and not let myself impressed by all this. I already told him I need some time apart and will do that no matter what. So what now? Do I give it yet another chance?Maybe I should have played this "game" long before to wake him up, but I really dislike having to act like that. When we met it was all about us. He hardly ever went out without me and was happy to explore the 2 of us. Things changed when we came here. I got this well paid job and he got his "free spirited, cool, dont give a shit about romance" friends. I want to keep on traveling and he says he wants to join me and be just us against the world. But how can I know this story isn't going to repeat itself once we're in a place with temptations? I also don't want to quit to early because there still are feelings between us and there was no cheating, abuse or stuff like that. So now I have to still stay here to finish up some stuff with the flat etc. and then I'll spend the summer away from him. Have no idea what will do afterwards, but at least I'll have the time to think it through. Thanks again for all your answers.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 May 2015):
This sounds like a typical unfortunate case of : marry in haste repent at leisure. Or maybe of " I love you- you are perfect- now change ".
You were attracted to him BECAUSE he was this independent, free spirited wild child, and now you'd like him to be the sensible, cooperative, suburban - type husband material that he is not, and does not WANT to be.
Anyways... I notice that you say, oh the fact that I am the sole bread winner and supporting both of us is not a problem.
Sorry, no it is a big problem.. IT SHOULD be, because it suggest one or two very uncomfortable questions, as I'll try to show.
I would not have a problem either ( at least in theory, in practice ...honestly , I'd have to try ) with being the sole provider and working my ass off to support a househusband. Only, he'd have to pull his weight too, and BE a househusband, clean, cook, etc......
which he is NOT doing.
So, he does not work, he does not run the house, - he just plays ( literally, and as a figure of speech ). Ok, fine- let's say I realize he is an artist , a " special " case, he gets sort of a free pass, so I 'll keep him around anyway only for his companionship , leisure and entertainment value.
BUT- he does NONE of that. He does not want to share time and interests with you, he does not give you warmth and attentions, he lives WITH you ( and off you ) but his social, artistic and emotional life is with his friends.
At this point, I don't want to be mean but I think that even the least cynical person in this world would ask themselves : " So, we have this free spirit, who does not get any particular pleasure or satisfaction from being part of this couple, in fact he is sort of chomping at the bite and finding excuses for NOT being part of this couple. Then how come , this independent free spirited busker is still around , and has not chosen to be true to his essence , as an unfettered free agent ? "
The answer might also very well be : because he is not so independent and free spirited to not appreciate the value of a meal ricket, and of being provided free board and lodging without having to lift a finger for that ".
In other words, who tells you that he is nor " singing for his supper " ? Literally ? Just doing the minimal token effort , as he seems to be doing, nothing more , to vaguely look like a husband, and keep those free meals coming , which would costs many hard hours of busking ?...
You know, one thing is playing for the sheer joy of it, all another doing it with the pressing need to get out the next meal from a hurried, unappreciative, even hostile audience...
Makes one think uh ? At least, it SHOULD make one think.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2015): This is how a rushed romance into marriage often ends. You finally get to know the person you've married, and you now see him through the eyes of reality. I guess the relationship is winding down, and maybe has already run its course. You don't seem to be making any headway with your spouse. If he's making no effort to compromise, makes you feel excluded from his life, and just seems to not give a damn about much of anything? You've got to make a decision. Maybe I was wrong thinking this is salvageable. It sounds more like a mismatch.
From your additional comments, it seems he has mentally-divorced you anyway.
By the way, you've always had your answer. You don't mention loving this guy anywhere in either post. I guess that faded sometime ago.
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A
female
reader, _Dreamer_ +, writes (19 May 2015):
_Dreamer_ is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for answering. Very useful and totally true. We probably rushed into marriage at that point. I knew who he was and didn't intend to change him. What I didn't know was that it won't be enough to make me happy. Money and work ethics are definitely an issue. I've been working for the past year and a half to pay rent and support both of us, while he was doing what he likes and bringing back very little financially. Ok, I'm fine with that - it's not really the problem. The problem is I expect him to contribute in other ways if he has all this free time. Like be more involved in house maintenance, shopping etc. The other thing I feel I need to clarify is that I do always propose things to do, invite him to go places, but he either doesn't like y suggestions or is too busy playing with his friends. I'm the one that always plans holidays and time together. It was evil of me to call him "wannabe", as I actually think he's a great musician and have always encouraged him to go further. The thing is, at the beginning he was so happy and excited to make me happy and be with me, he'd love to spend time together and play music together - now it seems I'm not good enough. I get it, he needs more than just me and I'm fine with that. But it's also so frustrating to feel left behind, on second place, unimportant. He's just not making any efforts anymore. Maybe I have my answer...Either way, I'm decided to spend some time apart and see where we are after that. Thank you so much for the answers. Kinda like a cold shower, but hey, sometimes you need that!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2015): Never commit to a person with the intention to change them.
Relationships should be built on trust. You should not form a committed and exclusive relationship; until you know and understand the differences and quirks between you as a couple. Compatibility is the cohesive factor that keeps couples together. Having a good time in each others company works well enough between "friends." It's not enough for people planning to build the rest of their lives together.
It is apparent you have matured. Your youthful idealism and imaginary-concept of love has finally caught-up with you. Your youthful bliss has now evaporated. No more euphoria?
Welcome back to reality.
The logical question is, why did you feel compelled to marry a man you knew had limited talents, ambition, and education? Why has this become a bone of contention three years into a marriage? He apparently is no different now than he ever was. You always had the option of declining his marriage proposal.
Now you have grown; but feel he hasn't grown enough for you. Maybe you haven't grown enough either. He doesn't want it to be "just the two of you." That is a very dull and isolated relationship. Living in confinement doesn't suit most people. We want friends and to share our lives and talents with others. Not just one person. Marriage is not a sentence. It's a commitment you make to another person, hopefully for a life-time. For better or for worse. Until you bury him and collect his pension.
It was odd that you call him a "wannabee musician." That was deprecatory and rude. Is he untalented as a musician? One could speculate that you use this terminology as a slur to his character during a disagreement. Creative and artistic people often lack the ambition to sell their talents. They often just want an audience to appreciate their performances or artwork. They crave fame and/or appreciation. If they're good enough, they realize the marketability of their talent(s). That depends a lot on their level of skill, and the demand for their artistic talents. If economics are an issue; surely you can convince him to contribute more to household finances? Why would he object? If he does, then I guess you have cause to leave.
In modern relationships, many women earn more than their spouses or boyfriends. Only if he's good to you and has a good work-ethic, can such a disparity be overlooked. You imply your man is lazy. That's not a good work-ethic!
You should only choose a match who is equally ambitious; if that is an attribute you rank high on your list of values and character traits. Every one has their list of desired or set criteria for a mate; and will not/should not marry people who fall short on that list.
Could it be it was done out of impulse or haste? You knew his flaws before you married him. During your engagement period, you had the time to reconsider flaws or shortcomings you knew would not work for you. You ignored them then, why not now?
Reading more into the core of your post, I would say you don't like people; and feel happier staying home, and vegetating as a domesticated-couple. Why should he invite you or take you anywhere when he knows you will not be receptive and friendly? He knows you would rather be home; so he lets you stay there. Have you told him what you'd rather be doing something other than sitting home with him in a headlock? Just teasing you a bit!
Why can't YOU plan evening outings and dating events for the two of you? Maybe he has run out of ideas and he no longer knows what you would like to do. Why does he have to do it? You're the one who feels left-out. His friends apparently know how to keep him stimulated; and I am sure they take full advantage of his musical talents. I am also quite sure they share his talents. Musicians usually run in the same cliques. I would guess they like to play their instruments and make music.
You want to feel loved, included, and you want him to make you happy.
News flash, it's your responsibility to supply your own happiness. No one can read your mind and know what makes you happy. That changes by the hour, and can often be unrealistic. Half the time you wouldn't know; so you can't heap that responsibility on your partner. If you feel unloved, because he doesn't like being a couch potato, perhaps you will have to compromise and be more outgoing.
You want to do more couples stuff? Then come up with ideas and run them by your husband. Ask him what he wants to do, and then see if your can consolidate these ideas.
You say you tried to be a part of his world, and he doesn't want to change anything about himself. He's fine as he is. People like that let you know that's who they are the minute you meet them. They only let you into their lives; if there is an understanding that's how they are. You don't invite yourself in with a secret agenda to change them.
So this was no surprise sprung on you three years later!
You were captivated by the man that is, his looks, and his talent. I guess money (or lack of it) is beginning to change your view of him. Starving artists aren't for all of us. They're fine to date, not to marry, until they're famous.
If you have become disillusioned with him as a person, your dream-life has not come true, and he no longer makes you feel loved? Then it is your decision to make, when you no longer want to live this way. He didn't ask you to marry him to change him, or for as long as you could tolerate who he is. I think he thinks you love each other.
If finances are becoming burdensome for you, inform him and don't beat around the bush about it. If he spends too much time with his friends, and leaves you home alone; address that issue directly and calmly. Tactful sincerity or honesty is more effective than emotional-outbursts or argumentation. If you present your feelings in an adult and matter of fact way, you'll get his attention. If you whine, pick petty fights, or get touchy attitudes without explaining why; invitations to leave you alone with yourself become more desirable. Moodiness puts distance between you, and he can't wait to get away from you. He knows an argument will ensue, and you will layout every single imperfection, shortcoming, and flaw he has.
Nobody can read your mind. You need open-dialogue. Many people just behave passive-aggressively, with negative-attitudes or pout. Most of us don't actually know how to sit-down and have an adult-conversation with their mate. Some are prone to vent their feelings through arguments; and the toxicity of the generous insults that spice the conversation doesn't get their point across. I'm speculating here, but using logic and experience to compensate for much you're leaving out. You came here because you've giving up. You're exhausted and exasperated. Asking for our permission when or how to escape, without dealing with it. You'll know when you've had enough.
You didn't mention any abuse, cheating, or cruelty. So it sounds like your marriage is salvageable. Unless you are now wanting a more affluent life-style. Which is not said but implied. He can't offer that, so the answer to that is obvious. Divorce him, and find someone on your level. Someone with a higher earning-potential. We all make mistakes.
He doesn't want any further education, or to change who he is. He's happy. Maybe you feel you've outgrown him. That doesn't mean you don't love him. You did say you feel unloved and abandoned. Either communicate with your husband; or just make the decision to leave, based on what you've specified in your post. He's the opposite of ambitious, has too many friends, and he's too extroverted. Oh, and he's a lack-luster/mediocre street-musician.
Why-ever did you settle for that in the first place? You were working on a grad-degree when you met him! God forbid it was for documentation to stay in the country! That's pretty popular these days! Considering you're not on the same level, and he's not smart enough to understand you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2015): Hi,Op,different backgrounds can affect relationships a lot. It's not impossible, but certainly makes it more difficult.There is one thing that I don't get :"all that is left is our differences". Ok, GREAT, why not CELEBRATE those differences rather than trying to impose your standards on him? You knew what he was like when you decided to marry him, why do you expect him to change now? Presumably some of that bubbly, easy-going personality is part of what attracted you to him in the first place?Only caveat- I get what you are saying. You have ADAPTED to his world, why doesn't he try to adapt a bit to yours? That's a valid point and I think you should put it in those terms to him. Not "try and better yourself intellectually to be on my level" coz frankly that's a bit insulting and might offend him and deter him from doing anything.Look on the BRIGHT side-by adapting, you have acquired a new skill, so whether he stays or he goes (or you do), you'll still have that musical skill, whereas by NOT adapting he has lost out on gaining skills you could offer him.On the other hand, I'm very much like you-my partner is my all, I do NOT need to get out and see other people as much (though unlike you,I'm happy to-up to a point...). HOWEVER, even if you are an introvert I think you should make the effort of having more friends and filling in YOUR free time.That way you do NOT rely fully on HIM to cover ALL of your emotional needs and you learn a lot from other people. Also, if this was to go pear-shaped it sounds like you'd stay home and not do too much about it. IF you make friends at least you'll have a SUPPORT network (if things do go wrong).Being wholly responsible for all your emotional needs and entertainment is a HEAVY burden.Now, let's analyse things on the other hand too: it sounds that there is a financial disparity between you two as well? You do not mention it, but sounds a bit like it.That can have an effect too.Him not making plans for you both is the only part that dis-concerns me a lot. Why does he act like a free agent? He is NOT one. You should be going to most places together if possible and you should reach the one important stage at which many couples fail: COMPROMISE. Now, I read somewhere in a psychological journal that compromise is the hardest to ACHIEVE as whenever they compromise BOTH parties are a bit unhappy because they have had to each give up something.So it is NOT a HAPPY solution, but a FAIR one.COMPROMISE is the golden goose you are aiming for.If you can't compromise, then yes, it will better to part ways, as one party will always resent the other for making too many sacrifices without the gesture being reciprocated.I think you need to discuss all those things with him, find a solution and reach a compromise. If he doesn't want to compromise or communicate- you ALREADY have your answer. If you say "I'd go IF X,Y,Z doesn't change". and X,Y,Z does NOT change THEN you HAVE your answer.I don't know if that was helpful but I hope it clarifies some of the doubts in your head.ps: The essential difference that comes across is that the way you describe him, he comes across as a "social butterfly" whereas you come across as "happy in my own world, I don't need others to be happy". I must say that this is NOT a difference that you can change because essentially it's a character difference.Instead of impeding you, this should actually be helping you, as those two differences compliment each other. But maybe it is true that "opposites attract" and how long you can tolerate those "opposites" is your call
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