A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My daughter's 16, and in college studying beauty therapy. She intends to work in tourism as a beauty therapist when she's older, and is doing well on her course. She's got a 21-year-old sister who's at university in Nottingham.Last week she told me she has been chatting to this guy online, I told her it was OK and that I had no problem as long as she stayed safe on the Internet. I've emphasised Internet safety for her and she understands it well.I asked her how old the person was, and she said he's 43, divorced with 2 children, and from the Midlands (we live in the United Kingdom).She said she's chatted to him via instant messenger for the last 2 months, and has even shown me the conversations - there wasn't anything remotely sexual or offensive about them.I asked her for info about him, and she said he's a radio presenter in a different county in Northern England, and he's into football, sports, socialising and stuff.She told me she wants to meet him soon, and that I and Dad should meet him too.What do I do about the situation?? should we allow it??Is it good that she's been honest about the situation with us??Where do we go from here??Please help me, Tracey in Wolverhampton, West Midlands, Great Britain
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male
reader, Namatjira +, writes (9 February 2008):
If he is as she says a Radio Presenter it will be possible to find out more about him. Encourage your daughter to do the background research on him rather than you doing it for her. Guide her with ideas of questions to ask and places to find out information. All this will help educate her to protect herself in the future when she is no longer in your care.
Clearly you have an exceptional relationship and I congratulate you and like the others I strongly recommend that you be careful not to weaken the relationship with her.
It is not clear from your posting if the meeting is her idea or his. If it is his idea, I would be suspicious as it is very unusual for normal romantic feelings to develop from a man of his age towards a girl of her age. It is not so much the age difference itself although that is unusual, but her young age which raises the questions.
If it is her idea, then you need to try and find out why. Does she want to know what he really looks like? If that is the case it can be solved as simply as her asking him to email her a photo of himself holding something specific like perhaps a particular book, or maybe the photo taken in front of a particular landmark. This technique is one I taught my daughters as a way of improving their confidence about who they were talking to without undue risk.
Of course another way is via webcam then she can see him and he can see her while they talk and type but this adds to the risk in that if he is a wrong 'un he may be more able to trace her afterwards.
Really though, find out whose idea it is. If it is his idea then discourage her. If it is her idea, ask her why it is important. She may be developing a crush in which case you will just have to wing it in advising her. Still she obviously has a great deal of trust in you so you are already better off than most parents in this situation.
A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (21 January 2008):
 Hello Tracey. The relationship you have with your daughter is excellent. Well done Mum. So to answer one of your questions, yes it is good she has been so honest about the situation with you.
Should you allow her request to meet him? I can understand why you are concerned. I'm a Dad of an 18year old daughter and I would be concerned too. But let's just think this through. We don't really know whether this guy is a sexual predator, a sad fake, a teenage prankster, or exactly who he says he is. It might be a lonely 90 year old granny!! However, your daughter is curious. If you deny a meeting she might just do it behind your back. If you say no, she may never share such information with you again. Not good. If, on the other hand, you grant a meeting you are able to set the circumstances.
So let her ask to meet, as you and Dad will accompany her. She should be told why she should not give out her address and involve her in deciding a suitable, safe, public venue. There's a good chance this will be declined of course - either because he's a genuine guy and has no reason to go out of his way to meet a 16yr girl, or he is a prankster, or a sad storyteller. Your daughter will probably be less interested if he declines but at least she doesn't feel you restricted her.
What if he accepts? Well, go along with her. Now if he has intentions of grooming your daughter for sex, once he realises she has brought along Mum and Dad he's going to have to abort. If he has been lying about who he is but just wants company then your daughter is going to realise she has been deceived and has learned a valuable lesson. And if he is just a regular genuine guy then he will have no problem with Mum and Dad being there, and will understand fully the reasons for not wanting to give out address and wishing to employ every safety measure at any future meetings.
My guess is that nothing will come of it. Incidentally, I'm 53 and simply through answering questions on this site have an ongoing dialogue with many people, some of which are youngsters. I don't arrange to meet them I might add, but then neither has this guy, it's your daughter who has expressed a wish to meet.
Hope this has helped you.
Richard
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A
female
reader, 88jane +, writes (21 January 2008):
 hi!
first things first, what a fantastic relationship you have with your daughter! you are so lucky that she loves and trusts you enough to tell you all of this because she could have gone ahead and met this guy without telling you and ended up in goodness knows how much trouble! your daughter really needs to be praised for this!
ok, now i personally dont think this is a good idea for her to meet this guy! shes only 16, shes still a kid really!! this guy is old enought to be her dad!! and yeh it is great that the conversations they have had have been clean and safe, but i do have to question why a 43 year old guy wants to meet with a 16 year old!! i think that this guy is hoping for sex and a relationship from your daughter!
i think you should suggest to your daughter that you dont really agree with her meeting this man because of his age and the fact that you dont really know him and what his intentions are, she is your daughter and it is your job to protect her! suggest to her that remaining a friendship online is the way forward--why do they need to meet if they just wanna be friends, they can chat online and its a long distance to go just to meet each other!!
this could potentially anger your daughter and she may rebel against you but she sounds like a smart girl who respects you a lot so i hope this is the case!
maybe she should remain friends with this guy online and then make a decision of her own when she is 18!!
just make sure you keep her safe, if she does go to meet him, you should go too, dont let her go alone!
i really wish you luck!!
keep us posted on the situation!
xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2008): oh my god
let me just tell you...
it is amazing and i mean AMAZING that your daughter has told you so much! seriously yo0u must have brought her up so well or have a really great trusting relationship so welldone
i wish i could talk to my mum like your daughter talks to you.
okay so about the 43 year old man, i think it would be very very strange for your daughter to get into a relationship with this man, even if it is only as friends because your friends should mainly be your peers if you know what i mean.
however you should really try to preserve the trust you guys have and if you tell her off about this guy and dont let her meet him then you risk the fact that she may meet him without your knowing, or go onto find someone else and get into any number of dangereous situations.
what you should do is let her meet him but with you there, like have him come round your house. that is if she is that desperate to meet him, have a talk and tell her if she really wants to meet him that is her choice but your opinion is that it is a little strange.
good luck and remember whatever happens keep your daughter talking to you about such things x
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A
male
reader, Dr Vendetta +, writes (20 January 2008):
 in once sence i admire your understanding that.. kids will be kids and they will usually always go behind your back..
but seriously...
he's 43... and she's 16.
how would you like me to paint this picture for you?
Bad jue jue!!
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A
female
reader, hello1 +, writes (20 January 2008):
 Are you crazy?? this man wants an relationship with your daughter. He's 43, its strange he wants to meet up with an 16yr old, just on a freinds basis. Your daughter could be lieing, she could be showing you only certain transripts of conversations. You wouldn't be a very good mother if you allowed her to meet this man, I can't believe you have to ask on here to know that. I'm 18 and know that!
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (20 January 2008):
 Since you are monitoring her situation and meeting up with that guy should not be a problem as long as she does not do it alone. You need to check out this man to verify the facts. Online, he could be anybody .
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A
female
reader, bexy-bell +, writes (20 January 2008):
Well im 16 too and i think that it's a rea;y silly thing to do for her. Why would she want to meet some one that is 43? I know that my mum wouldn't allow it for obvious resons and i would completely understand.
It is probably good that she is being honest with you about it because she is braver than i would be. But i think you should put your foot down and explain to her your concerns and she might understand. BUt i wouldn't shout at her. Just keep it calm and controlled and maybe she will listen.
Bex x
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