A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:In a nutshell, should the other woman tell the wife? It's after breaking up with the married man (5 month affair), she does care for him very deeply. He has said his wife has seen several text messages and suspects an affair, and that there have been fights and talk of possible divorce. (That she managed to see the texts is also because the OW doesn't really hide the relationship. Her feelings for him have been very deep for a long time and one day he came looking for her, and she made a mistake and was too weak to refuse.) Please note that the affair partners have no intention of marrying (the OW is single). He did say he doesn't want to divorce because he doesn't want to be alone in old age. The silly OW still cares for him but she also knows the wife must be going crazy, suspecting but not knowing for sure, since it's not clear if he confessed.Would like to hear from betrayed spouses. I don't think anyone else will ever have an idea what they go through.
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affair, divorce, married man, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2014): Some have said the wife wouldn't appreciate it, or already knows her husband is cheating. If that be the case, he may as well continue doing so; if she isn't going to do anything about it.
If any woman is that naive or that passive, she didn't really marry a man for love. There are other reasons they remain together. Children are often the excuse; but nothing is more traumatic to a child than to see their mother suffer while their father is cheating on her. It leaves scars and teaches boys how not to respect women, and girls will repeat their mother's fate.
As I said before, women living in denial leave themselves at risk. Emotionally, physically, and financially.
They should be told in order to make them face the truth. Of course she wouldn't want to hear it; that has been her problem. Ignoring something that she should face like a woman. It's tantamount to being stupid. To remain trapped and suffering in silence. She would be an enabler and a fool. That isn't love. It's pathetic weakness.
In countries where the laws and the culture frown on divorced women; they are left little choice. Being told by the OW is just pouring salt on their wounds. In those cultures, it is unlikely the OW will tell; for she would be treated just as badly. In those situations, men are allowed to do pretty much whatever they please to women. That is less than civilized.
Your friend is likely going to get her heart broken. He isn't the type of guy to be faithful; and she has very low self-esteem. She is just the typical mistress. A lady in waiting, and his piece on the side. Maybe in time, wanting what she can't have will finally frustrate her to the point she will move on with her life. Otherwise, she'll look back on all that wasted time in regret. That is her karma.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe OW is not interested in having him even if he divorces. They broke up over a year ago, they were very good friends, and stepped over the line. There is no excuse, not saying there is. (but I do understand how difficult it was for her to refuse him when he was chasing her) But they stepped out of it and he kept in contact as friends. She isn't that naive, at best she expects from the wife is that she'll ignore her, but she knows most likely it won't be pretty.
The OW is my best friend, we've been friends since 6 years old. I've been trying to convince her to just walk away. She says I'm biased and hate him, hence I don't fully understand her dilemma. I know she truly loves him, she's one of those who rarely falls for anyone but when she does, it's very very deep. Of course I'm biased, I want her to walk away from it all, whether the guy lives happily ever after with his x number of mistresses or not (he told her she was his one and only). And yes I dislike him on principle (never met, never will), so I'm trying to get the community at large who knows nothing about either one to give an opinion.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (9 August 2014):
 Imay sound like the sterotyical male chauvenist pig but hergoes; what's gained by geting everythingall stiredp into a near bloodbath. Do you go round kicking sleepin dogs? Things will evolve on their own without you(the OW I suspect) wil just be making thins even worse so why not just watch and wait?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (7 August 2014):
 The OW telling the wife would not be seen as a helpful gesture by the wife.
The wife already knows her husband is cheating and will be processing the information, AND deciding what to do about it. That decision might be to do nothing.
As the wife is already suspicious the OW should avoid confirming the wife's suspicions because if the s*** is going to hit the fan the OW does not want that fan pointing in her direction.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2014): Others may disagree, or be angry with my response to your question. So here goes.
Even if the OW is just being vindictive and spiteful, yes.
He violated his vows and betrayed the trust of his spouse and his family. He could have possibly exposed his wife to STD's, or contagious infections that show no apparent symptoms until it's too late. He is a cheater, a liar, and should be exposed for who he really is. He is exploiting the feelings of two women. That's selfish and greedy.
Give up one for the other. There is no excuse for staying in the middle. If the wife is terrible, divorce her. Go through the legal process. Then do whatever you please. Bullshit if it's not that easy. It's easier sneaking around and lying? Waiting to be caught? He'll be divorced and she'll get half all of his property anyway. Only With a vengeance!
She'll keep his children from him. They will resent that he hurt her and destroyed his family. They will miss him like hell! Not seeing daddy come home everyday! Is it worth it?
The truth will out itself, regardless. Tell everything.
You will incur her wrath in the process. So be prepared to lose your hair, or your head with it!
If the truth is brought to light, no matter what the OW set out to do, it would be fair to the wife to know the truth about the man she loves and trusts. She must be aware that her health may be compromised, and she needs to base her feelings for him on truth; not illusion. Who says he's cheating with only one woman? There may be (or have been) many.
As for the other woman, she has her own karma to deal with.
If she contributed to cheating, she shouldn't be so smug in leaving destruction behind. It will bite her in the ass big time; because she was a conspirator in the affair against his wife. She is inflicting pain and poison; because she made a bad choice. So what goes around, will come around; and she will feel the same pain she inflicted.
She will feel the sting of betrayal, and it will hurt her twice as much. If she gets him as the prize. She'll worry that he will cheat on her. Most likely he will.
The man in the middle had better make a change big-time.
He has compromised his family and his marriage. If he truly loved his wife, he wouldn't have cheated. He would have put her feelings before his sexual-urges. He would have fought the temptation to prove her trust was worth it. They have papers, it's not just an agreement. They aren't just boyfriend and girlfriend. She has legal rights!
We are all human and capable of a slip. Married people make a vow they will not slip. So it's not as easily forgiven and forgotten. It should have serious consequences. The cheater should be dumped. You can't trivialize cheating.
It's a violation of trust, a crime of passion, it is a deliberate act. Sneaking around is to avoid detection. Lying is to protect themselves from their just punishment.
Cheating is their "chosen" crime, because they have the choice not to do it. Yet we do fail and we do make mistakes. Big ones. Not without consequences.
When there are children between the troubled-couple,
even if they are too young; it will still be a nasty piece of family-history that may someday come to light, and destroy all they've felt about the cheating parent. I have a friend from the past who discovered he has a half-brother from his pious and proper dad's sneaking around on his mother. They both thought he was Mr. Perfect. His dad sent other woman hush-money, and never told him about this brother. They lived in the same city!!! His mom must have been dumb, or in one serious state of denial!
Guess when he found out? When his father got prostate cancer and they met each other in the hospital! His dad was 78. He had a 29 year-old son by an affair! My friend was just turning 50. This was more than eight or nine years ago. As far as I know, he never tried to connect with his half-brother. He was too resentful. I haven't heard from him in a long-time. That's just an example. His father died with that as part of his legacy. He had plenty of money. So no wonder the son appears out of the woodwork!
Cheaters are usually repeat offenders, and offering them clemency is often misplaced and undeserved. It is until it happens to them, that it's a crime. They still should be forgiven; if they do all they can to rebuild trust, and never do it again. All wives aren't forgiving. Some would hold him captive in a marriage from hell. Some would divorce him and drain him emotionally and financially.
The other woman profits nothing by telling a wife to get back at the man she cheated with. In the wife's eyes she is the lowest of women to deceive a sister, destroy her marriage, and to lower herself to exploitation.
Weakness is an excuse. "Weakness" is excusable in children, the elderly, and the disabled. It is not an excuse for strong healthy people, who know right from wrong. Not people who respect boundaries and the rights of other people. Not people who take responsibility for what they do, and care how it will impact on innocent children and spouses who have devoted their lives to someone they love with all their hearts.
The OW has a lot of choices for herself. She can find someone she doesn't have to share; or completely avoid him until he has freed himself from another commitment to be with her. She doesn't have to compromise her dignity and her feelings. She will lose respect for herself, and will be hated by the victim for her part in the affair. The names she is called will be befitting.
Other women should know better than men, the fury of a woman scorned.
I had a domestic-partner for 28 years. I caught him cheating once. I fully forgave him. It lasted another 18 years after that. Why, you ask? I am forgiving, but I saw it with my own eyes. He couldn't lie about it. I would have wanted to be told. I like to place my feelings where they belong. I can forgive if I know the truth. If a spouse cheated on me, I would want to know even more. I don't want secrets like that kept from me. I don't want to live a lie.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 August 2014):
 What would the OW get out of telling the wife?
And WHY would the OW want to tell the wife?
Those are my questions to you.
I think the OW should go GROW some morals and LOOK at her OWN actions before she gets so desperate to expose the married man's actions.
Just because the OW was/is single doesn't make her blameless. Doesn't mean she didn't do a BAD thing. SHE WILLINGLY slept/hand an affair with another woman's husband.
IT IS not the OW's job to "help" the wife sort out her marriage.
If you KNEW the wife then maybe.
And trust me, if they have been fighting over some texts, SHE knows.
As a wife, would I want to know? Yes. But if the OW thinks I would THANK her for "telling" me, she'd be mistaken. She actually better watch out. And so would my husband.
So all in all, WHAT is the real reason you want to tell her? Because you hope deep down that she will leave her husband so YOU can have him?
I think the motives of a OW wanting to tell the wife is so darn SKETCHY and questionable.
Instead, IF you think SHE really should know, so SHE can decide what she wants to do and so SHE knows the truth... I think you should tell the married man, HE needs to man up and tell her.
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