A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Im interested in what you have to say and your opinion..My fiancee has a 5 yr old son to another woman from years ago, before i ever knew him. She comes in our house to talk about 'their' son, which i dont have a problem with. Its when my fiancee goes out the front, with her and they talk about child support and stuff like that, while im still inside.. its kinda like im left out of the picture. And the other day, i was in the kitchen, my fiancee in the study room. She walks in the study room where he was and shes asking him if he can get updated software for her computer or whatever, as if they're friends or something.My fiancee tells me he doesnt want anything to do with her unless its for the child, but then hes tellin her yeah i can get this software. My point is it seems shes getting a little too involved and needs to back off or maybe im being a little possessive? Think about how you would feel in this situation.. Im not being immature, its just how i feel. Ive spoken to my fiancee about this and he tells me im over-reacting and just being stupid. I've tried my best to explain to him how i feel but he still doesnt understand. What do you think i should do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2008): I know I would feel jealous and maybe a bit threatened by this. However maybe you could change your way of behaving on this and befriend the mother of his child then you would have more control over things. That said it is hard to do but it can reap rewards. You could offer to help re the software and may be assert yourself more when she comes round. You are behaving really well letting her come into the house and letting her talk to your partner for the benefit of the child. I know I wouldn't really like it myself but you have the moral high ground here and can only improve on it. I wouldn't interfere between them but I would ask if I could help her in any way and try to involve yourself more with the two of them. She probably feel very wary herself and like an outsider so maybe try to welcome her. Realistically she isn't going to go away and nor are you so try to put yourself in a different mindset. Afterall you have the man and take it from there.
A
female
reader, Susan Strict  +, writes (24 June 2008):
 Yes I think you are being more possessive than you need to be - and that's quite understandable. If you fiancé can remain friends with the mother of his son, that's good not bad. There is no need for it to threaten your relationship with him.
You aren't being immature, and it's natural to feel a little uncomfortable - more than a little uncomfortable. But when you are with someone who has children from previous relationships that's something you have to learn to cope with.
The best possible situation would be if you and your fiancé could both be friends with her and, while accepting that the boy isn't your son and you have no rights to make decisions about him, that you are involved in any discussions too. You are, after all, going to be part of the boy's extended family and there's no reason why you shouldn't see yourself and be seen by others in the same sort of position as perhaps an aunt might be.
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A
female
reader, Aeval +, writes (24 June 2008):
 Well unfortunatly you have done all you can, you have spoken to him and thats the best you can do.
He has a child with another woman so she will always be in his life, there is nothing you can do about it.
If you are secure in your relationship then it should not matter, at the end of the day you are the one he wants to be with not her.
If you find this too difficult then maybe you need to think about your situation and decided if its right for you.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, scrazy  +, writes (24 June 2008):
 Um... what does computer software have to do with their child? Is it helping him with school or something?
You're not over-reacting; its understandable why you're feeling left out - after all, you are marrying the man and if his child comes around, you're going to now be a piece of his or her life so getting involved would be a good idea - and it's also understandable why you feel she needs to back off.
No fear hun, you're not being immature. Personally, I think you should try to talk to your fiance again; if you speak to the woman of his child, she may tell him and say that you're jealous, over-possessive, and so on and so forth...
Have you explained to him that you feel their relationship is becoming a little too familiar and it makes you feel a little uncomfortable? As well as left out because you're getting married and would like to be involved in the child's life as he thinks would be appropriate?
If you talk to him again and you still get the same response, then by all means, talk to the mother. She may not realize what she's doing and if you calmly let her know how you feel then she may back off.
Hope this helps!
xo
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