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writes: I have been on several dates with a man that I like a lot. On the first date, the waitress gave him the check and he paid. I thanked him and we made plans to meet again. Our second date was lunch and skeet shooting. After lunch he said "I'll grab lunch, do you mind getting the shooting?" It was only $12 to do it, but I was just taken aback that he had asked. Don't get me wrong- I would like to be equals, but am a sucker for chivalry and old fashioned men. However, he holds the door open for me, is super polite, calls me to ask out on dates, etc. After paying my portion, he treated me to a snack and paid for us to walk around a local park. He also purchased the supplies we needed for the shooting, which I now know is costly. I was still just surprised he asked me, and since we've been open and honest- I brought up my surprise over him asking me to pay. He called me to talk about it and said he usually goes 50-50 with people he dates and is financially budgeting because he is still in college. I felt terrible for asking, so we moved on and have a date later this week. I hope I don't sound too old fashioned or sexist. I really like everything about him and was just a bit surprised about the paying. I know he is interested, but I always thought if guys liked you they wanted to pay for everything? That wasy experience in the past- but I understand I am probably being unrealistic. Please share any of your insight! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2015): I personally always go 50/50 with my man as I feel that, as his equal, it's unfair to expect him to shell out all the time for me. I can understand where you're coming from, but I think that times have changed and its always polite to go dutch. Different story if they insist on paying, but otherwise halves is always my way of doing it :) good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI suggested the skeet shooting, so I believe it was fair that I paid. I appreciate all of your help. We had a wonderful date today, so I'm just trying to hang in there and not overthink things. Thanks again :)
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (4 August 2015):
I agree with the poster WithYou. If he asks (it was his idea) then he should pay, when you are a proper couple then you can pitch in.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 August 2015):
 Firstly, I think it was GOOD you asked and secondly I think his answer was on point.
He IS in college, which means... not a whole lot of funds.
I have to add this because I think you are romanticizing the idea of an "old fashioned man."
chivalry definition:
the combination of qualities expected of an ideal knight, especially courage, honor, courtesy, justice, and a readiness to help the weak.
Are you "weak"? and thus need help? My guess is no.
I think if you BOTH make little money due to where you are at in life (college/entry job position etc) it makes sense to share the costs of these dates.
A guy paying FOR you is no guarantee that he is a GOOD guy or that he has GOOD intentions.
With regards to your skeet date. Well, I think in THAT case he should have paid. HE arranged the date, HE knew the costs. But he clearly have manners as he ASKED you if you could pay the $15 instead of PRESUMING that you should. Which I think is considerate of him. However, if he had told you when arranging the date that skeet would be fun but the cost was a bit steep - then you could have offered to HELP pay, or suggested you two do something less expensive. THERE are plenty of things to do that are "cheap" or free.
I AM old fashioned (and old, let's face it!) but I was raised with the notion that the dates are for BOTH parties benefit (to get to know each other) and thus the costs CAN be shared. A date isn't going to be BETTER because HE pays. My first BF didn't make much money (neither did I as I was in college) but he always paid for me on dates. I would offer, he would decline. When we moved in together I actually paid 60%, he 40%.I did make more money than him at that time. It just made sense.
Another thing you might consider is this, you childhood your parents paid for you. Now you are a grown up, you are somewhat expected to TAKE care of yourself. BE independent, and THAT means being able and willing to PAY your way.
I know "back in the day" (even before my time) the REASON a man would pay was OFTEN because the women either didn't work, had a minimum wage and because it was (for the woman) an INDICATION that the guy could be financially ABLE to support her, support a family in the future.
TALK about the costs if you don't HAVE much money. So when planning a date the two of you can stick to the "cheaper" things that you BOTH can afford.
I remember going to school with a girl who "dated" men for 3-4 dates, JUST to get free dinners/movies/shows. Yep, she even bragged about how she would ALWAYS pick the most expensive thing on the menu. It made her feel special I suppose, I thought that was being a twat.. not special.
You like him, HE obviously like you. So you need to decide if you NEED a MAN to pay for you in order for you to date him. OR if you rather SHARE the costs and date a GUY you like. As for him opening door, being polite - has nothing to do with being chivalrous, but HAVING manners. It means he was RAISED with doing these things as a way to show respect.
I think going Dutch (going Dutch means YOU pay your share, he pays his) is perfect for several reasons. One, there are NO expectations of the girl OWING the guy another date or sex or whatnot in return. YOU know what you can afford and so does he.
Lastly, wouldn't it SUCK that at the end of the month (or middle) he can't take you out for dates because he blew his meager income on PAYING for you every time? Would you not RATHER have more dates, spend more time together then have a guy pay for you?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2015): I think that people should have a 50/50 paying rate. Not specifically split the bill or pay-what-you-ate (cause it csn be awkward) but let him pay a date today and you'll pay the date tomorrow. If one of you makes significantly more money, I say a 70/30 paying rate would still be fine :)
Men can pay everything and then cheat on you, I mean paying doesn't mean he's better or that he loves you more.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2015): My boyfriend pays for everything at the moment purely because he has a job and I'm still trying to get one. That's why most of our dates are cheap - either at home or picnicking, for example. So, you might not want to do the home one yet, because of the sex thing, but you have to budget properly - it's not sustainable for him to keep paying, especially if you don't stay together - he's spent a lot of money and you've spent barely anything.
It's usually the first couple of dates where the guy pays all or most, then it's either 50/50 or whoever asks the other one out (but you can't keep waiting for him to do it, so that he pays; he'll probably get fed up).
You need to find a middle ground between chivalry and reckless spending; he's trying to be chivalrous, but he's also trying to be responsible - you can't fault him for that, can you?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2015): if youre looking for a meal ticket this guy will not be right for you because he associates with many women who go 50/50..so maybe you are looking for an old fashioned guy who pays for everything and provides the house and the upkeep and the income.You might as well play the field if thats what you want because you are entitled to look around and mr.college guy has also got other plans about life in the longterm.
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reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (4 August 2015):
To be fair, he had paid for virtually everything. He asked you to get one thing. I think you have to be pragmatic about these things. He’s paying as much as he can on a tight budget. It is telling that he asked you if you minded when he did need you to pay for something – and something that wasn’t all that expensive. He could have just told you to buy it, or waited until you got your purse out and said nothing. On the first date I think it’s nice for a man to pay. It seems increasingly common for young men to expect the bill to be shared and I hear a lot of stories from girls who were surprised when they got their money out and their date accepted it. After the first couple of dates, especially if the girl has similar finances to the guy, I think you should offer and be prepared to contribute. Suggest cheap options if money is tight. He may not accept it but you shouldn’t presume indefinitely. On the first couple of dates, though, I do believe the man should pay. Yes, it is old-fashioned and somehow not in keeping with an era of ever-greater gender equality, but some customs never did anyone any harm and should be respected. I for one am always wary when I hear of a man not paying in full on the first date, or not at least being embarrassed if he’s not able to do so. And one final point: good on you for broaching this subject with him. It would have been easier to ignore and stew on it.
I wish you all the very best.
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