A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Should the child always come first before a relationship?I am dating a widowed guy with a kid who prefers to give up sex with me if his daughter (seven) wants to sleep in bed with us that night. He doesn't ask me if I mind first. Every major life decision (where to live, mainly) is based on whether she will be inconvenienced. I moved when I was a kid, her age, and older. I lived. He would rather scrape by financially to keep her from moving than move to a city where both of us could make a decent living, thereby increasing her standard of living. He wonders why she acts spoiled. I have a feeling even if we got married he would still put me last on his list of priorities. How can he expect us to have a healthy relationship this way? If we were married and I was constantly being brushed off to make his daughter happy, how would she be living in a healthy household? Is there a way to make this guy understand, an eight-year old does not run the show? He doesn't seem to get it. I am constantly going out of my way to do things to help him out, and he never does the same for me. I put my all into trying to figure out a way for us all to be happy, and he just wants things to stay the way they are. I broke up with him already this year, but he wanted me back, so here we are again. Should I give up and just vow never to date a guy with a kid again? I have guy friends who say they would put their relationship first, but my guy acts as though I'm expecting him to drop off his daughter at the animal shelter by wanting us to try to build a life of our own together.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): I know you think we're getting at you and judging you harshly but the problem is the too things that you have made central are not a problem at all. It's not this girls fault that she has no mummy, and your biggest concern is not for her well being, but to get her off out of the house as soon as you can. That's how it appears to us from what you have said. The second problem is your emphasis on sex, rather than your relationship with this father, which could be settled in other ways.
Your problem is not sex or this little girl, as Annalisa has pointed out, but your relationship with the man who seems not to have the same need for closeness as you appear to need. I can see you think his daughter may be the barrier, but she's not and you know this. He's keeping you at a distance, both of you are making excuse for why you can't be together.
It's got nothing to do with his daughter, what you really want to knowing is when this man is going to start loving you and putting a commitment on your relationship. This I can't tell you. You need to talk to him, leave his daughter out of it and just talk about you two and your neglected needs and hurt feelings.
A
female
reader, babewithbrains  +, writes (19 June 2008):
 Cor, Blimey.
This has been going on for ages.
Please don't patronise me.
You don't like our opinions, Ok, we get that. These people sound happy where they are. Yes, i understand that you like them, but it doesn't sound like you love them, and that's a real shame, becuase until you can love them, this little lady's not going to love you, and maybe she'll always want to be with her father. Right now, you sound like the little whiny kids that go to Brownies, when the two little kids are constantly fighting over who really is the popular girls best friend, and trying to suck up to her to get what they want. You sound just like that, with all your, "I've looked it up..." and "I send him information about..."! This has stopped being about him, this has become about you and your desires.
Jelly
x
:)
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female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (19 June 2008):
 Honey if you have sexual needs and you don't see your bf from one month to the next, then move on and find a guy with no children who will meet your sexual needs...... THERE PROBLEM SOLVED!!!!!!
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female
reader, lexilou +, writes (19 June 2008):
 I cant believe this is still going on! We obviously havent given you the answer you wanted to hear and maybe we are never going to, thats the beauty of this site a lot of people give honest answers based on experience or opinion, you dont have to choose to agree with it nor do we have to answer the way you want us to. There is only one option here, if you cant take this relationship get out of it x
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI dont' get it. In every relationship book you read, in many magazines, In health articles, they stress how important sex is to have a healthy relationship, even to be healthy. No wonder so many husbands leave their wives or cheat on them if they think that once you have a kid, that's it, you are supposed to turn into someone else and let a kid walk all over you without setting boundaries. Seriously, I dont' see the guy for three or four months at a time, and wanting to be intimate with him more than one time in six days I get to see him is turning me into some child-hating monster? And who am I dating? Him, her, or both? I would say both, but you people act like I am dating her, and any relationship between him and I doesnt' matter. That's sick. I care about her a lot, or I wouldn't go through what I've gone through to try to figure out how to make a transition easier on her. I send him information about photographers in his area that do children's headshots. I've looked up schools, I have more information than he would like to know on what child programs there are in this area for acting and dance classes (he teaches her all the music stuff). I think about places I'd like to take her for her birthday. Of course it will never be the same as if I had her, and I didn't get involved with him initially because of her, and just curious, who would start dating a guy to get to the kid? That's a little weird. I'm dating him because I have always loved him, before he had her, and that hasn't changed. Most women would probably write off an ex forever if they got a stripper pregnant and married her instead, however I have too much love for him not to give us all a second chance. I spend more time with his daughter alone than I do with him. It's like I'm his babysitter and not his girlfriend. Not that I dont' enjoy spending time with her, but my primary concern is this relationship because if this relationship isn't taken seriously by him, how on earth would a marriage work? And once she's off to college, what will he and I have left if there is no passion between us because we've turned ourselves into sexless roommates?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2008): Sorry, that should be ..... without kids, so you can have the sex you crave.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2008): I wasn't gonna respond, but I just couldn't help it now you've given us an update. The problem is we can tell you don't like this kid and feel resentful of her. Even our resident 12year old baby knows this and tells you in her opinion your wrong. Please don't patronise her or us, you don't like this kid and you don't want her around and everything your doing is down to duty rather than motherly love.
How would I feel. I love kids, I'd rather put off sex for a year, to have a couple of kids in my bed anyday. I can always get sex, but children grow up so quickly and before you know it there off. You complain about not getting sex, well how the hell do people with 3 children, a small house and no privacy manage it. That's normal parenthood honey, but since your not a mother, you don't understand. I will explain it to you very slowly, just as clearly as you explained your overwhelming need for sex to our babewithbrains. Children come first, you need to get sex when you can get it or find a man without children who is free to give you the attention you crave.
You sound like a little child "he loves her more than me." Of course he dose, and this is perfectly right, your a woman over 30 but you got less brains and compassion than a 12year old. Be carefull, his child knows how you feel. You think you get on great, I'd bet you $100 that she knows how you feel and likes you less than you think. Leave this man, your not suited to look after children your too selfish. Find somebody that can cater to your whims and give you the attention that you demand and deserve. I like kids, this man likes kids, you don't, you like sex, no problem, find somebody else without sex and get the sex you need.
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reader, babewithbrains +, writes (18 June 2008):
:)
Not many people think that someone my age can be understanding. Not many people seem to understand that people who weren't influenced by major crisis be it 2 years or 20 won't be biased, but still have opinion. I have an opinion, and if you still want sex, I think you've got the wrong man. Yes you can love the kid, but she isn't your kid, and would you like to be with this man forever? Because this little lady sure doesn't need you walking out on her if you get bored with her daddy.
:)
Jelly
:)
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female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (16 June 2008):
 Four years is NOT a long time ago to have lost someone close. It's no time at all. Understanding THAT may be your biggest problem.
And as for "the twelve year old who responded", I think she understands very well.
I'm not going to say any more, because none of it would be polite.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFrom some of the answers here, people seem to assume this child would be miserable here. first of all, it's not like I'm expecting him to move her to the middle of nowhere. He is grooming her to be in the entertainment business as well, he is teaching her piano, guitar, singing, and has her in dance classes. She is extremely outgoing and makes friends easily. He knows I am more than willing to help manage her as well, and that is also easier to do if she were here in LA as opposed to there, in a hick retirement town in Florida. I am willing to help him locate the good schools around here, as well as help him find a good teaching job. If we eventually marry, I would offer to help with expenses like dance classes. She is so active, she would make friends soon here. My suggestion to him is to take a few trips out here with her so she can make some friends out here before deciding to move, that way it would make it easier on her, as she would already have some new friends to look forward to seeing. I also don't think it is good to have a kid spend their entire childhood/adolescence in the same place. Most people I know who had that kind of upbringing are scared to try anything new. While it may have been temporarily an annoyance when I was growing up, I usually found it pretty exciting moving to new places. When I was around 8 and ten I hardly thought twice about moving, we just went along. When I was thirteen, I was a bit more reluctant, to put it mildly. But I got over it. I kept in touch with my old friends by phone and mail. My mother was good about that, and we took vacations to see them. My biggest issue was that we had been dragged up to Pittsburgh, which is not something I would ever subject anyone to, even a grown adult. I just don't like it there. LA is abundant in opportunities for the entertainment industry, and in half an hour of driving out of the city you can be sitting on a beautiful beach or hiking in the mountains. I think this is the most ideal age to move a child. She's old enough that she is not a toddler in need of constant adult presence. She goes to her friends houses to play now. Fortunately, she's still young enough that taking her away from a boyfriend is not an issue. I think that a move at eight years old would be less difficult than it would be if she were twelve. Trust me, I love her, I consider her, I respect if she is upset and wants to sleep with us. It's that he is inviting her to sleep with us without her even asking to most of the time. His wife/her mother (incidently was not a saint, but a stripper in need of a green card that he accidently knocked up and consequently had a shotgun wedding to, and had fought with all the time, he moved out a half a dozen times and was on the verge of divorcing her right before she was diagnosed with lung cancer) died four years ago. I understand they will both always miss her, but this is not a very recent loss. The first year we got back together was difficult for her because she didn't want her father being with anyone new.(she doesn't know he and I dated for three years up until just a couple months before he met his wife), but now she has told me she wants her father to marry me. She asks me if where I live is a pretty place. I love this girl. I thought she would be the biggest obstacle because I have never dated a guy with a kid before, but she and I get along great. It's his assuming she would have difficulties adjusting to change, when he has not even asked her how she feels. She is in fact is one of the strongest people young or old, that I've eve known. As for sex, people are acting like it is selfish of me to want a normal relationship which includes sex with my boyfriend. I'm not talking about 24 hours. I'm talking just a few times during the week, especially when we dont' see each other for months at a time. I don't have anyone on the side, it's just him, so the week I do go see him is the only time for me to have sex, and I do feel any sane woman who is in a relationship with a guy, single father or not, would want to have sex with her boyfriend. If this situation were reversed, I'm sure some of these guys who responded negatively would run from a girlfriend who kept wedging their kid between them when he was in the mood for sex. If not, they would probably at the very least go and try to sneak around with someone on the side while rationalizing their girlfriend isn't giving it to them, so they'll get it elsewhere. But I would never do that. I love him, and I just want things to be the way they used to be before he had a child as far as the sex part goes. He used to have a libido. Now it's like I feel like I'm trying to convert a gay man straight. But he's not gay. Just a father.
For the twelve year-olds who responded, you do not understand that sex is a very important part of an adult relationship, and for that relationship to grow as a couple, that needs to happen. It's not like once a guy has a kid his penis falls off. He should still be able to function as a boyfriend/husband as well as a father.
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female
reader, babewithbrains +, writes (15 June 2008):
Just a little note,
misfitschik66, I still sleep in the same bed as my parents sometimes, and I'm 12. I'm not there every night, barely once a month, but sometimes I get scared or upset and I want someone to cuddle, as stuffed toys don't always help. This kid doesn't even have a brother or sister to confinde in, its just her, her dad and yuo.
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female
reader, babewithbrains +, writes (15 June 2008):
You sound really selfish in this question!
Of course you can't have sex if his little girl wants to sleep in his bed with him! I'm 12, and some nights I still go to sleep with my mum in her bed, if we watched a scary movie or the rain is very loud.
It's natural for him to put her first, she's his baby! She is a living memory of his late wife!
It's not fair to move a child away from her friends, home and life, especialy when she is so vulnerable. If you were happy, but you child hated the school she went to and it was the only one in the area, you would move, because 7 year olds need to be happy, not spoilt, but happy. This little girl probably yearns for atention, and not getting it from her mother, tries to get it from her father. Its just damn selfish to prevent a kid from being with her father (whatever time) so you can have sex. try to get along, but if you keep this atitude up, the girl is gonna make thing very difficault, and you will have to go.,
Now stop complaining and give this little girl some respect.
Jelly.
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female
reader, misfitschik66  +, writes (15 June 2008):
 an 8 year old should be old enough to sleep alone and should be told to sleep alone like the last poster said
a child's needs ALWAYS come first but what the child wants is different and i would explain that to your boyfriend he needs to know those are extremely different
you ARE being selfish in a way but in a way i can completely understand you two need to take time together and discuss this issue and let him know that as long as you help him he should help you and let him know that you have excepted him have a child and that he needs to accept that you want just as much attention or at least try to make an effort to notice your existence
its hard dating a man with a child expecially a little girl because there is jelousy on both sides she sees you as taking her daddy away and you see her as taking your boyfriend away
you and your boyfriend should take some time like i said not only to talk but to spend time together and make passion exist in your relationship so there is a deep love their and then he wont be so unbalanced between your daughter and you
good luck i hope everything works out
xoxo
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI also should clarify that we are currently in a long distance relationship, I am in Los Angeles and he is in Florida. When I do visit, it is only for a week at a time, so that is why it is a big deal if she wants to sleep with us six out of seven nights that I am there. She has months to sleep with him while I'm not there. I love her, and I am concerned about her. I have looked into where there are good schools for her nearby (I can't make a living as an actor in Florida. He can make a living as a musician in California easier than in Florida). I understand and support her in dealing with the death of her mother. I have no issues with her. She told me she wants us to get married. It is him that keeps driving a physical wedge between us by acting like I'm just supposed to be there when he needs me, not when I need him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI also should clarify that we are currently in a long distance relationship, I am in Los Angeles and he is in Florida. When I do visit, it is only for a week at a time, so that is why it is a big deal if she wants to sleep with us six out of seven nights that I am there. She has months to sleep with him while I'm not there. I love her, and I am concerned about her. I have looked into where there are good schools for her nearby (I can't make a living as an actor in Florida. He can make a living as a musician in California easier than in Florida). I understand and support her in dealing with the death of her mother. I have no issues with her. She told me she wants us to get married. It is him that keeps driving a physical wedge between us by acting like I'm just supposed to be there when he needs me, not when I need him.
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reader, Susan Strict +, writes (14 June 2008):
A child's NEEDS always come first. Always.
A child's WANTS should always be considered, not automatically accepted as being essential.
If the kid wants to sleep in bed with both of you occasionally, then take it as a compliment that she feels secure with you there too and point out that it's not something for every night. But if she's getting everything she wants whether or not it's necessary and whether or not it causes you a problem, then either you explain to him he has to consider you too, or you get out of that relationship as fast as you can run.
I hope you can work it out with him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2008): Why are people saying this woman is selfish?? So far i think she has been very patient. Yes, the little girl has lost her mother, but she's not asking for her boyfriend to dump the little girl, all she's asking is to be put 1st for ONCE. No way could i cope with my husband rejecting me in bed for a child to climb in between us - even if that child was ours.Get out now girl, this man and his daughter is all this relationship is ever going to be about. Can you handle that for the rest of your days??
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2008): i can only sympathise with you as I am in the same situation.
it is extremely hard to date a person with a child. They are not your child and they never will be, which makes it hard to love them and nuture them. Sure, you can like them but its not enough to be selfless towards them.
I understand that children should come first as they can't fend for themselves, but then why do these single parents try hard to get a partner - if they're child is so precious and needed - well then stick with them and don't bother to find a woman/man to be in a relationship with cos it'll never work unless the woman/man is really laid back and doesn't mind feeling like a second class citizen to someone else's child with the man he/she loves.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2008): There needs to be a healthy balance. I feel this is what you are lacking.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2008): oh my god.... this little girl LOST her mother.
Dont you feel that she may need a little extra attention since her mother has died ?!
Jesus christ and you got a problem with this just because you want a shag ?!
Wake up woman and stop being so damn selfish.
If you have a concern then speak to him about it and be careful how you say things.
If your considering leaving him just for that reason, then you should because your not good enough for him or his daughter.
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reader, duskyrowe +, writes (14 June 2008):
For God sake woman will you stop WHINING!!!! This poor little mite has lost her mummy, of course she is going to be insecure because she does not want to lose her daddy.A child should always come first and YOU my dear should deal with it or move on. You sound like a jealous little child yourself wanting to be THE CENTRE OF ATTENTION, and if you don't get it from your bf you throw your toys out of the crib. Get a grip and GROW UP and try and help the little girl get through her pain of losing her mother and NOT add to it. Or ship out and find someone with no baggage....... I'm outta here.
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reader, I'llTryToHelp +, writes (14 June 2008):
 What if she were your biological daughter? Think about it!! This is how you need to start thinking of her if you wish to marry this man! They're a package deal, honey! He isn't brushing you off! If you and he had a 7 yo daughter together and she wanted to sleep with you, would you cast her out to have sex instead? Of course not! I hope not, anyway!
Try to find it in your heart to see her in a new light and not as the competition.... because she's not. She's a baby girl who lost her mother and is afraid she might lose her father,too, as illogical as it seems to you.
I can guarantee she senses your feelings toward her. Kids are very intuitive. It will never work as long as you try to make him choose between you. He'll never choose you first and you should never ask him to!
Try to grow close to her, nurture her and then you'll all become a family together!
Good Luck!
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reader, lexilou +, writes (14 June 2008):
This girl has lost her mother and I am afraid she will always come first as he doesnt want her to ever feel pain like that again. yes he has probably over indulged her but what a lot she must have been through. If you cant strike a happy balance, feel resentment for her, and cannot love her like your own then you have to move on, not just for you own sake. It doesnt mean you have to steer clear of all men with kids but this relationship will always be difficult simply because of the circumstances. BUT even if the parents have just split and nobody died a parent will usually always protect their child. In some cases it is necessary for that child to realise mummy or daddy needs a life too but they need to know that they are still loved and involved and not replaced and whilst they should not be in control their needs have to be considered as much as yours x
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2008): well i dont have much experience in this but I think you signed on for this when you agreed to date a widowed man with children. just try to be understanding and love his children as much as he does!
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reader, Doctor Love +, writes (14 June 2008):
well here is what i have to say. children are very important to there parents and this man will love his daughter very much and she will mean the world to him which is what you would excpect so in this situation you have to give time to this. you have remember that he will look out for that girl no matter what thats what parents do and to be fair if it was her or you he would choose her hands down. so you have to ask yourself the question. are going to want to live in a situatuion where his daughter comes first will you learn to love his little girl like she was yours and live like a family. because if you can not do that and you want a relationship that is all about the two of you then you need to be with someone without children as no matter who you find if they are a single parent the child will be there world and thats something you need to think about.
regards
doctor love
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