A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am best friends with a girl I whom have known since I was 8 years old. The problem is that she thinks I am gay. Most people assume I am gay because I have never had a girlfriend, partly because I used to be really skinny and partly because I am socially awkward. Plus I don't really know why girls keep rejecting me for dates, there must be something wrong with my appearance. I am not sure.One day several years ago she asked me point blank if I am gay. Of course I kept denying since I was straight. Then she said come one I could tell her the truth because we were best buddies. I still insisted I was straight. Then she said I had better be gay since we were so close and I was never attracted to her so I had to be gay. If I weren't gay, then I had to be some creepy guy pretending not to like girls. She was quite attractive though not the head turner type of girls. i guess she was just out of my league so i only considered her a friend.Reluctantly i lied that i was gay. I told her to keep it a secret. We gradually became very close buddies. I was in fact taking the role of her BFF. She confided with me her boyfriend problems, discussed her sex life with me, and we even went skinny dipping together several times on vacations.I am not sure when but I have fallen in love with her. She used to say I was a nerd. I was really thin but I go to the gym a lot now and I have bulked up a lot.She doesn't have a lot with her love life, she keeps getting into relationships with the wrong men. Plus she doesn't have any friends. Recently she was ranting about her problems and commenting that she might die a lonely spinster. I told her she could always hang out with me. Then she said something I didn't expect. She said she wished I weren't gay. She said I was husband material. I said I thought she did not find me attractive. Then she said that was before this. I used to be nerdy and dorky and boring, but now I am a confident man plus I looked sexier. Going to the gym must have helped.I am in a dilemma. If I tell her the truth that I am not gay, she would explode knowing that I had been pretending to be gay just to get close to her. Knowing that i must be a creepy stalker. On the other hand I see a future with both of us together. I can not simply let go of this opportunity. What now?
View related questions:
best friend, never had a girlfriend, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2016): You have to sit her down and get her undivided attention; and stop letting her dominate all your conversations. You seem to be very passive when it comes to her, and you let her tell YOU who you are. I think it is time you make her listen to you, and you should man-up to the task of letting this blabber-mouth know that her opinions don't overrule the facts.
If she has never seen you with a man, how can she conclude so assuredly that you're gay? If you can tell us why you went along with her presumptions; why the heck can't you tell her?
She may have been speaking rhetorically that she wished you weren't gay. After all this time, she has had many opportunities to establish if she has grown any romantic feelings. Truth be told as women go; even if you were gay, that won't necessarily stop her from feeling attracted to you. Perhaps now that you've transformed more into a manlier version of yourself; she is taking notice. You just don't project the attitude and confidence that would make her take you seriously.
All this hinges on you manning-up to this young lady, and showing her you've actually got the balls to speak your piece. Once she realizes you're serious, you'll finally find out how she really feels about you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2016): One more thing. I don't think the reason she asked me if I was gay a few years ago wasn't because she was interested in me. The reason we got into that discussion was because she saw many posters of scantily clad men in my apartment. Of course they were pictures of body builders I use for inspiration but she wasn't convinced. She just thought I was attracted to the male physical form, hence my obsession with sculpting my own body.
OP
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2016): I appreciate your advice. Can somebody please guide me and tell me how to explain to her that I am not gay and that I like her? A script would be nice, maybe I can just rehearse the words because I am really nervous and I am not good at words and expressing myself.By the way, for the record, sex is very important for her in a relationship. I know this because she sometimes talks about her lovers and complain that some of those guys are hopeless in bed. I always avoided talking about penis size, being insecure about it. But once we were watching a movie starring Ryan Reynolds (she loves Ryan Reynolds, says he is such a hunk... I am nowhere as good looking as him) and he had a nude scene in the movie where his junk was visible, and she was very obviously delighted with the size of his penis. I can't remember her words, but she said that he is confident baring it on screen as he is "all man" and proud of it.OP
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 April 2016):
 BTW, she is the one who has confessed her interest in you, wishing you were not gay and all. You're not ruining anything if you tell her you return those feelings.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (5 April 2016):
Oh man, this is why you're single! You destroy the possibility of a relationship before ever entering one. What the f... do you know about whether or not you are sexually compatible when you've never had sex with her?! Im saying this loud and clear to show you how silly that thought is. Maybe she has a small vagina, or maybe there are other things to sex than your penis (and yes, your penis is actually not the most important ingredient in sex...).
Man this girl is throwing herself at you. What if this, what if that, and what if the world ends.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2016): One more thing. I am Asian while she is White. She is tall, 5'8" while I am only 5'10". Even though she says I look good naked, she has never actually seen my package when it is erect. It looks a decent size while flacid but it is only 3.5 inches when erect, which is small even for Asian standards. I can improve my physique by body building, but there is nothing I can do about this. I am not sure we can be compatible sexually. Somehow I don't feel confident enough that our relationship can progress the whole way.
Maybe she just likes me platonicly, as a friend. I have a feeling that she says I am husband material because I am a nice guy compared to the bad boys she dates. I read somewhere that girls like bad boys as lovers but like nice guys as friends. So I have essentially friendzoned her. She says I am an example of good husband material, not a person she would actually want to be her husband. That is what I think.
I don't want to destroy our friendship by revealing my feelings for her. What if she avoids me after I confess?
...............................
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (5 April 2016):
She keeps getting into relationships with the wrong men, because the right man has been by her side the whole time. The right man has been doing the wrong thing, and causing her to going through all this trouble for no reason.
You have not dated women, because she is the one you are suppose to date.
So...keep pretending and lose out on a great romantic story. Or step up and take your place.
Let see this confident man you are talking about.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (5 April 2016):
PS. it can be difficult to talk about these things face to face. A good way to start off could be by writing her a text saying you've been thinking a lot about her wishing you were not gay, and that you have something you need to talk to her about. Then give it a little time for her to ponder about this message. This will give her time to get used to the possibility that you can be hers, so it is good for preparing her before you have the talk.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (5 April 2016):
Eh, your friend was just wishing for compliments back then, or she was actually interested in you and trying to see if you liked her back.
Here's a clue for why you don't get girls to go on dates with you: you probably don't ask them. And when girls drop hints, like your best buddy a few years back, you don't realize it.
Trust me, no girl would be asking if you are gay unless it's because she wants to know if you're available. If she wasn't interested in you, then why would she care whether you are gay or not? She wouldn't have cared! The only reason she asked was because she was checking if she had a shot with you or not. But you didn't pick up on that. Don't feel bad about it though, picking up on hints from women is something most guys don't do well.
Oh.. sorry, I started replying before reading the question all through... "Then she said something I didn't expect. She said she wished I weren't gay. She said I was husband material. "
Well, what did I just tell you?!?!?!?! How much more obvious can this girl be, the only thing she can do next if you don't start picking up these obvious hints is to propose to you.
Too bad you lied though, but she was being quite persistent and you were put on the spot, and you were trying to be honest but she just didn't accept it. So honestly, that one is on her.
I suggest you do a white lie though. Just to make this flow more smoothly. Sexuality can change. And a girl wants nothing more than to pride herself with being so awesome she can make a gay guy turn straight (or course that's not possible, but people like to believe it is).
Tell her you weren't always gay, but bicurious (curious about both genders, and bicurious is really just a made up word for someone who wants to experiment sexually, but she'll buy it). Tell her that you weren't sure of what you wanted, but over the years it has become clear to you. Tell her that you have thought a lot about the comment she made about you being husband material, and that it made you realize that you like her, and that having a wife is what you want.
Trust me, she'll be all over you in a heartbeat. No reason to dig into old things that were said and done years ago. No reason to admit to lying, because honestly, she was the one who pressured you into that position and made it impossible for you to be honest. She was unwilling to accept the truth, and wouldn't leave it alone. We all have to tell white lies and be a bit creative about the truth. As long as no one was harmed and no mean thoughts or words were there, there's no reason why you should feel guilty. It happened, and now you can undo it by being honest about your sexuality. Just smooth things out by making it seems like you only recently discovered this yourself. Spare both her and yourself the trouble of being brutally honest. No relationship can be built, or can survive, brutal honesty. Because there is a big difference between being brutally honest, and not lying.
Im just trying to make you see the difference. You didn't lie to impress her or hurt her or anything, and I don't think you should feel guilty about this. You didn't lead her on, quite the contrary.
IF you absolutely must be brutally honest, then I think you need to put it exactly as you put it in this post. That you liked her as a friend back then, she was pushing you to say you were gay, and you thought it wouldn't make a difference as you weren't interested in her at the time, and wanted to just be friends.
Now, go grab that girl, she's practically begging at your door.
...............................
A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (5 April 2016):
 Just tell her you think you aren't gay after all because you find her really attractive. Two jobs done in one. :-)
...............................
|
