A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:When my recently divorced boyfriend rows with his ex about their teenage daughter he shuts down and doesnt want to see me. They do not get on at all and all contact is via e mails. This has happened in the last month and we have been together three wonderful months. Twice recently we have made arrangements and they have rowed by e mail and he has shut down on me. Last night he cancelled on me. This really hurts me and now he says he needs headspace until Saturday. So I have to wait 5 days we wont meet again. I know he is struggling and I want to be there for him but this really unsettles me. I really like him a lot but I feel he is withdrawing now. I am not chasing him. He says he doesnt know what he wants but does not want to break up at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2016): Listen up. Run while you can. I'm speaking from experience here....... never date anyone who deploys hot and cold moves in a relationship. Don't make excuses for him about his recent divorce.
He's not really into you, and if you continue to accept his hot and cold behavior he will destroy you emetionally because it shows that you lack self respect and boundaries. Trust me......you are going to get hurt if you continue on this path.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 April 2016):
 I agree with Ruby,
The guy is SO not ready to date yet. While he might feel OVER the marriage, 20 years is a LONG time and a LOT of baggage (good and bad). Him shutting down after EACH fight is proof.
HE needs to sort this out, he needs to find a way to make the state of divorce a civil one if he can - for the kids. There is nothing YOU can do about that. NOTHING. It's as Auntie SVC call it.. His circus, HIS monkeys.
If he needs time, I suggest you GIVE that to him. BUT if this continues with YOU being neglected (because you ARE) then maybe YOU need to accept that he might be a GREAT guy, but he is JUST not ready to date seriously.
I sincerely would consider ending it. No one wants to be a rebound, a neglected one? Hardly a position anyone would want.
I know it sucks if it started out so great, but it's been 3 months and I don't think it will stop any time soon.
Sorry. I think you need to put yourself first.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (5 April 2016):
Your recently divorced boyfriend isn't ready to date yet. No matter how dead their marriage was, he's still having to deal with the aftermath and process his emotions. His life simply hasn't had time to settle yet.
So you'll simply have to give him the space
Or cut your losses and end the relationship. Since it's only been three months, it's not going to be as painful than if you let it drag out like this for months. Relationships should not be this much hard work so early on.
Bear in mind, that the way he deals with stress and his ex-wife may not change so if you choose to stay in the relationship you might need to put up with this pattern of behaviour indefinitley - it might just be who he is. And if this behaviour hurts you, you'll need to be prepared to feel hurt a lot
I'm tempted to say call it quits
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2016): I asked the question here. Just to elaborate. They were married for 20 years and the marriage has been dead for years. Both agreed to stay until their child went to VI Form. He has been honest with this I feel. Thank you for your advice in advance.
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