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female
age
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anonymous
writes: I have been with my live in partner for over 20 yrs. His adult son (32 y/o) still won't accept me and refuses to see his dad if I'm around.The parents were divorces several years prior to our dating. The son has no relationship with his mother. He lived with her out of state for 18 yrs but visited dad summers/school vacations. My partner kept me from meeting him as a child since son had violent outbursts anytime his mother date to have anything to do with me. Dad has lunch with him a few times a year but without me. Son calls dad 2-3 times a day at least. Son is recently engaged and dad refused to meet her parents if I wasn't included so son didn't talk to him for 4 months. He uses emotional blackmail (i.e. what a terrible father he was and that he never card about him- even though he was always there and paid all his bills growing up. Or, if dad really loved him, he'd be happy and wouldn't force me on him, etc) I don't want to be the reason to come between them since this is a no-win situation, so I accept him meeting for lunches that exclude me. Dad is torn apart. He wants to be happy and participate in wedding events but he also doesn't want to hurt me and wants me there for him. Do I sit back and support dad so he can do what he needs to do to maintain the relationship? Should dad call son's bluff and refuse to go to the wedding if I'm not included? I don't think son will back down.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2023): Don’t get involved. Seems son has some issues that predate you so why take it personally? . It would be selfish and immature to discourage him from going. Partners come and go. Children are for life.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (15 April 2023):
 I feel for you, I really do, but you have to let this one go now. For 20 years you have strived to be accepted by a child - who continues to be a child, despite his adult years - and for 20 years he has stamped his feet, spat out his dummy and thrown tantrums (metaphorically speaking, apart from the last bit) to keep you away from him .
Sweetheart, leave your partner to be a father and stop fretting about things you cannot change. The son is an entitled child in an adult body. He uses tantrums and emotional blackmail to get his own way. His father chooses to allow this bad behaviour so he can maintain a relationship with his son (and, I suspect, because he feels guilt about not being physically there for him every day when he was younger). Unless his father takes a stand - which sounds highly unlikely after all these year - nothing is going to change. You have two options - take it or leave it.
Given the son's character, the wedding may not even happen (if the bride wakes up in time). If it does, it probably won't be his last wedding. Be prepared for this scenario to replay in the future. You need to learn to let it go - unlike the son. Make plans to do something nice while your husband spends time with his son and accept you cannot be part of their relationship. To be frank, given the son's manipulative nature, you are probably much better out of it.
Sending hugs. I know it's difficult (I have a similar situation with my partner's adult daughter but, unlike you, I stopped letting it bother me years ago). Support your partner but keep your distance, for your own peace of mind.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2023): Having no relationship to the son, knowing he adamantly refuses to accept you; it's best to simply step back, and let them maintain their father-son relationship.
You can't force yourself on the son, who is now an adult. You get to invite whomever you wish to your wedding; and sometimes even relatives have to be excluded for some reason or another. I don't see how you'd even be comfortable at a wedding when the bride or groom doesn't want you to be there? What would it prove, that you would defy their wishes? To prove what?
I don't think this demands any drama or heartbreak on your part; when the son has never accepted you from the start. I don't see why the father should not attend his son's wedding? It would be different if you were his step-mother, and it was a matter of honor and respect for his father's marriage. This is a situation where you're the "girlfriend;" who isn't invited to the "son's" wedding. We don't get his side of this situation, or why he has never accepted you? It would make everything easier on all involved if you sat this one out, and let it pass.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (14 April 2023):
 This one just begs for a math check.
You have been with Dad for 20 years. Starting when son was 12 years old. Son spent Summers and School Vacations with dad up to 17 or 18 years old we assume. So five or six summers that you had to be separated from your live in partner to prevent violent outbursts.
Son lived with his mother for 18 years, but has no relationship with her.
32 year old man calls his Father 2-3 times a day. And is engaged to be married.
You have lived with a man for 20 years (excluding some summers) and you are not engaged.
So aside from that mess, you have this question, " Do I sit back and support dad so he can do what he needs to do to maintain the relationship?" Here is my mixed advice. You sit back and support your live in partner in whatever decision he makes on his own. You don't get all hurt about going to a wedding of a 32 year old who you have never met face to face. You do this not to maintain the father and son relationship, you do it to maintain your relationship. For 20 years you have accepted this kind of sacrifice even giving up 5 summers together. There is no reason to stop now.
Additional general relationship advice. Don't value any relationship that is held together only by the consistent threat of violence. In fact run from them. Your stepson (for lack of a better label) is a mess, he overly relies on his parent(s), and he rules by tantrum.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2023): Obviously your partner should go to his son's wedding on his own.
First, this is always his son anyway, no matter how kind or unkind he is to his father's associates.
Second , for whatever reason, this person chose not to invite you. It’s this guy's wedding, this guy's guest list , and he should be able and allowed to celebrate with the people he does want around!Your partner should not even think and try and impose your presence at his son's wedding- that would be super rude , gauche,and ultimately - mean. Does he really want to ruin his son 's big day ,either by not going ,or by imposing your unwelcome presence? Why ?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 April 2023):
 Of course, your partner should go to his son's wedding regardless if you are welcome or not! HE is his dad - YOU are no one to his son!
The son is OLD enough to decide WHO he wants to be around, and that includes you.
If you know this man (the son) doesn't like you - WHY do you insist on being in his life? And having him in yours? You don't have to be glued to your partner's hip. He CAN have a relationship with his son that you are not part of.
I don't understand why would you want to go to a wedding that you aren't welcome at.
It doesn't seem like the son was ever able to have a healthy relationship with you, even at age 12. Nor at 32.
I would tell your husband to see his son, and be part of the son's life as he can and want to. BUT You don't want to try anymore. Then you can spend time doing things YOU enjoy, spend time with people YOU want to see and who WANTS to spend time with you.
I think, your partner WANTS to see his son but he also doesn't want to hurt your feelings - you have to ACCEPT that your partner CAN NOT "make" his son like you.
Let him see his son ALONE. Life is too short to spend time trying to make this GROWN man like you. That isn't a reflection of you - it's a reflection of HIS son.
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