A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys - I'd be very grateful for your advice on something that's bothering me, but I'll just set the scene first.I have been with my boyfriend for a year. I'm 30 and he's 40. We don't live together yet, but we spend about 3 nights a week together and see each other every day at work. We are very much in love.He split up with his ex wife last after 15 years, and they have 2 teenage kids who he adores and sees quite a lot of as they live closeby. Although it was a difficult break-up with his ex wife, they are now on very friendly terms - chit chats on the phone now and then (sometimes while I'm there - all innocent)and she sometimes even cooks him lunch while he is over to pick-up/ drop-off the kids if it's a weekend. For various reasons not worth writing out, I am very confident that there is nothing going on and, although I naturally feel a little jealous, I am sure all is well with that as they have been friends for many years, and I realise that it is good for the kids' sake that they get on so well. Tbh, I think they are both getting on better now they are apart.The other thing is that, although I see the kids quite often and get on well with them, she doesn't know about me yet. I wish he would just tell her, but he is worried that the good-will will go if she thinks he is with another woman now. However, here is my issue - there are now hints that he might spend Christmas day over at his old house with them. I know this is good for the kids, but it doesn't seem right somehow, all a bit too cosy and like old time. And of course I would like to spend it with him myself (although I am not that into Christmas really, it's the principle!). And of course I am a bit worried that he might miss his home and family and see them through rose-tinted glasses now they are all friendly and novel once again (in contrast to the years when he just wanted to escape). On the other hand, I'll probably have to spend it with my family rather than him anyway, and so it's probably a moot point.Should I confront him about this, or should i just accept that these are the kinds of things you have to deal with when you are with a man who already has kids?Grateful for your thoughts.jw
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at work, christmas, ex-wife, his ex, jealous, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, SaraSmith  +, writes (4 August 2015):
Sports events, weddings, graduations, academic honors, occasional birthdays, and serious health concerns are the times ex spouses can be together without overstepping boundaries.
We don't meet ex spouses for lunch, allow them to rummage through our homes, or have Christmas with them when we have someone else in our life.
Please grow some boundaries with these issues!!!
Thanks??
A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (27 October 2008):
 No unfortunately old habits die hard and the fact that he may enjoy doing the odd jobs around the place means that he may not end up having to fork out extra money to the ex to get some jack the lad who comes in the do the little jobs around the place.
He may just be safeguarding the place for his ex and in essence his children.
If he had arranged a time to be there he is doing anything to not rock the boat as it could be that she gets volatile when he turns up late and maybe she was popping out while he was doing the odd job and he was sort of babysitting for her - you just never know.
Yes on the whole most people don't get on with their ex's and I have my ups and downs with mine but as a general rule I try to avoid things that I know will spark off an argument or time of tension between us because it ultimately affects our daughter.
It is still probably early days and it is still a settling in period as you said this is the first Christmas since they split up.
Believe me when it gets to 2 or 3 years the priorities change a little and if she finds a new man in her life your bf will feel like his nose has been put out of joint as this new man is around HIS children so do be prepared for that when it does eventually happens as he will know it will happen one day and it will then be her new bf doing all the odd man jobs around the place and he will not be welcome.
Keep strong and supportive and loving and he will know where he feels most comfortable in the long run. He can't cut all ties as yes she will always remain the mother of his children and tensions could come around later on but if they can stay amicable the children will be much less hassle when he has them and ultimately when you are around to so right now anything for a quiet and relaxed life.
Keep me posted eh! You can always mail me direct at any time in the future but only if you want to OK.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks a lot Country Woman, I really appreciate the advice. BTW, was over at his this morning, had a great romantic time last night and this morning, but it was hampered by him being adamant that he had to get over to his ex's place for 12.30 today, even though he wasn't picking the kids up or anything, just chilling out and her cooking them all lunch in return for some odd-job or something. Like I said before, he constantly reassures me that he loves me and that I am the one for him, and I hear them on phone and they are not lovey dovey, but it's just difficult to deal with isn't it? Only a robot wouldn't be jealous. He doesn't HAVE to go over there (the kids could come to his, and then I could have stayed longer) and many bfs would rather avoid their ex and prefer to spend more time current gf wouldn't they? He obviously enjoys the company and being in his old familiar surroundings, and why not I suppose - as long as it doesn't get cosy in the bedroom!Thanks again.jw
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (26 October 2008):
Well believe me if the kids are aware and you go out openly then he certainly isn't trying to hide things but he is also not trying to rub her face in it either.
Yes just try suggesting some time on Christmas Day even if it is evening time and when he is going back to his flat so you can celebrate the last part of the day together, maybe suggest exchanging gifts at that time.
I am sure the ex and the children would not begrudge him that small amount of time compared to having their dad all day.
Just broach it carefully and not in a forceful manner as you thought it might be a nice romantic thing for you both to share on the day. The amount of time is not the issue just the gesture OK.
BFN
Country Woman
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCheers for your answers guys.
Just to clarify, the kids know I am his girlfriend, and the 4 of us hang out at his flat or go out openly, with us as a couple.
We don't think they have told their mum, although he hasn't expressly told them not to. She is aware that he has a 'friend' over a lot, so she has probably guessed something. Rather than causing probs with the kids, I think he is worried that she will give him a hard time and that it will rake up the break up (he left her), and he is a typical bloke and wants an easy life. Seems to me that he's making things more complicated. I don't want to push it and nag him, but he'll tell her sooner or later, so I'll wait a bit before pushing that one I think (I didn't push about telling the kids, and that naturally resolved itself).
We started seeing each other very soon after they split.
When I say family, I mean my dad and brother. I would definitely want him to see the kids on Xmas, but it's just the cosy all day christmas day thing, like old times, that bothers me. I might suggest that I come over to his place later in the day, like country woman suggests.
Re. Not moved in 'yet', I just mean that that is the course we seem to be on. Everything is out in the open and good, with the exception of his ex not knowing 'yet'!
jw
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (25 October 2008):
 I think you have to accept that its normal with guys that have kids. They miss their kids like mad when they split from the ex.
You said you will be spending it with your family anyway? Why can you do that but not him?
Control issue going on here i think.
My kids dad used to stop over xmas eve for the first few yrs after splitting. Now he has a girlfriend, admittedly that stopped, and the last 3 or 4 yrs he has just come over during the day.
But i think if you are going to spend the day with your family, then whats he suppose to do, sit in on his own? Thats insane. But i dopnt agree with him keeping you a secret from his ex. I wouldn't be very happy with that. His kids are teens, its not like he cant arrange to see them without involving her if she kicks off about you. That bit doesn't sound right.
C xxxxx
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (25 October 2008):
I have to agree with Ask oldersister in the same way really that you say you see the kids quite often - in what capacity, as dad's work colleague or more?
If the children knew the truth then the ex wife would know by now as children are far from subtle.
Yes he is keeping things amicable and that in itself is hard believe me. I today opened my mouth about something as I was being honest with my ex and he feels I am not playing fair with our daughter.
He once accused me of not having a life but as soon as I do something then I get hassle. It is never easy dealing with an ex even when you are mainly amicable.
I think if this is the first Christmas that this family is apart then it is going to be hard.
I officially split with my ex in June 2005 but as we have a business together he used to come to our house every day for work and he saw our daughter every day even though he had a girlfriend and others he saw etc. That never bothered me but Christmas Day he always wanted to see his daughter and most of the time I felt like 'oh god, why can't be take it in turns each year'. Never happened.
This year I have had to make a stand and I offered him our daughter for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day even though I am going to miss her like hell and she is 7. I have to do this though to get into a pattern of alternate years. He is now saying I didn't think you would let me have her this year I thought you would have wanted her and even though I explain I want her more than anything, but I realise he would want to see her and I can't do both. He is living with his now girlfriend but next year anything can change but I will make sure that Christmas Eve and Christmas Day next year will be mine and he then has our daughter for Boxing Day and the next day.
We have always done the alternate weekends from day one and that works very well but if one of us needs to swap then we work something out. It comes down to routine at the end of the day but it is sometimes hard to make that clear to children and if their parents are trying their hardest to make it as smooth as possible then it isn't easy for those sitting at the sidelines i.e. you.
Why not suggest he goes home for lunch and comes to yours/your parents or you meet up at his for tea and then at least you get to see him and he doesn't upset the children. See how that goes down. He would have to make up his own excuse to the ex wife and children but say 6pm for tea isn't bailing out on his family.
Eventually he will have to let his wife and children know about you if you are ever going to move on in this relationship. However, if like Ask oldersister says you came onto the scene shortly after they split up you still don't know if this is a rebound relationship or the true thing right now.
Time will tell but step lightly at the moment.
He will however always put his children first which is only right as they have been in his life for a long time and anyone would only condemn him for not being a true dad to them if he failed them at all.
Keep us posted on how things go eh!
BFN
Country Woman
x
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