A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,Im a 22yr old guy, looking for answers whether should I wait until marriage to have sex. Well, my 21yr old girlfriend and I are together for 3yrs already. We always maintained a platonic relationship until recently, where we had become more intimate and things for me starts to get a little out of hand. I will start masturbating and fantasizing about her every time we went out on a date, after skyping, and when I start thinking about her. I felt very gulity after self-pleasuring myself and for not able to control myself anymore.Back then, we have talked about sex and we shared the same idea that we shouldnt have sex until we are both married. Because we heard stories of other people who had unplanned pregnancy, f^^k and break up, getting stds and a lot more. I am not ready for any of these situation, and we know until we get married, we agreed and will not go too far other than hugging and kissing. We had a very platonic relationship until recently. One afternoon, we begin cuddling together on the bed and I started touching her sensitive areas. She didn't resist me at first so I didn't stop until she start feeling uncomfortable and told me don't. We were awkward that moment, so I apologised to her but she said nevermind. We were exploring that moment, and now the problem is I start feeling horny when I'm around her and my mind is all about having sex with her. I don't know how long more can I last. Is this normal? What should I do? I also like to ask on your opinion on sex after marriage, should we both commit to that promise until the end?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2015): If you are both virgins then the risk of STD's is highly unlikely. The risk of pregnancy is also unlikely as long as you use protection. Wear a condom and you will both be protected from both. However, if there are religious reasons then this is really something you need to decide for yourself - is it worth it? Personally, as someone who is from a western society and is not religious, sex before marriage is normal. In fact, sex after marriage would be deemed less normal in my culture. I believe that sex brings me and my partner closer together, and practicing celibacy would be a strain on the relationship, after all we're only human. Discuss the idea with your partner and decide what is right for both of you. A relationship works two ways and you both need to be open with each other to make these decisions.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2015): First and foremost you are a man and a human being. With that comes many responsibilities. Responsibilities to yourself, your community, to your family, to your mate; and to your faith and beliefs (not necessarily religion). We can have virtues and a system of values that are not faith-based. Some people are atheists, but think they have values. Oddly!
If you do anything, not just sex; and it brings on profound guilt or shame; then you have done what is against your beliefs and what you truly feel is right for you. If you can do things without shame or regret; it has been done according to what is right for you, her, and done out of love.
Most religious faiths require chastity, restraint, and abstinence. The purpose of this is to reduce unplanned pregnancy, the spread of sexually-transmitted disease, and to minimize or extinguish sexual-exploitation. Not to simply deny people of feelings and expressions of attraction. If they're totally evil; then why does everyone have them? Including those who preach against such things?
Random and illicit sexual-behavior that has little purpose, no more or less can be achieved through masturbation; is what decent people try to avoid. We try to be more dignified than a common animal. Just satisfying a primal urge randomly without any emotional connection whatsoever. It may be fun, but it isn't a happy life; no matter what people may claim. We can't just act on our impulse and through total caution to the wind. There are consequences.
Masturbation is natural and not to be ashamed of. It should remain private, but not overdone if you start feeling desensitized by it. Yes, it can be overdone. When it makes you feel guilty, consider the reason why? Because you were told it's filthy and sick; or because you feel it is way of cheating on your girlfriend? Then minimize it as a way to show you are willing to preserve yourself; but don't feel shame for natural behavior. Everyone does it in secret, but will lie that they don't. Including your own parents, who will pretend they are as pure as driven snow. They will not admit many things to create a model of behavior for you, but beneath it all; they are human like you and me. Same goes for those who oppress and punish others in the name of religion; but behind closed doors practice the very behavior they publicly condemn. Even to death!
Then there is this concept that sex is only for procreation; as if real human beings can actually live by such a rule. It doesn't stop what goes on your mind. Nor will it stop human behavior; because the sexual urge is far too strong. However; you control yourself. because it is civil and responsible. It is because we are higher than the lower beasts. We have understanding and logic. We do things with reason and purpose. We also just have fun, and we share our bodies in pleasure. Yet, we should still respect the feelings,safety, and reputation of those who share with us.
You are supposed to feel sexual-attraction to your girlfriend. You care for her, and she arouses everything within you; both emotionally and physically. That adds to the expression of your love. Your responsibility as a man is to do right by her and yourself. To protect both you and your girlfriend from disease, unplanned pregnancy, and cultural ostracism. In many cultures, men do as they please. It's the woman who must face much ostracism, if she is not a virgin at marriage. Take this into account. How will it affect her life; if you decide you don't want to marry her; but take her virginity? If she isn't a virgin, is this going to bother you? If she allows you to make love to her, will that change your opinion of her?
It's not up to us on this site, or anyone, to decide what is right for you to do. Follow your heart, and take responsibility for what you do as a man. With her approval, do what will not only please her; but will also protect the both of you after the fact. Making love isn't wrong, it is the frame of mind and reasoning behind the act that judges you as a man or a woman. If you can live with it and handle the responsibilities that come with it, than that's what matters. Use condoms, make sure you are clean, be respectful and considerate. If she asks you to stop. Stop!
You both have equal responsibility. You love each other, so protect each other. Then whatever you do, there is no shame, no evil, and you will nurture your feelings for each other in the right way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2015): Hey OP,I actually know some couples who did wait till marriage and it has working out very well for them so far.You need to figure out:What do YOU believe in? Do you have access to condoms? What would you want to do in the event of a pregnancy? How would you feel if you had sex with your girlfriend but then you broke up? Do you feel that sex should be saved for you spouse? Would you feel guilty if the woman you married was a virgin and you weren't?Then, your GF needs to figure out her answer to each question. After that, you need to talk about it. She should NOT have sex just because you want to. That will cause problems. You should only have sex if you BOTH want to.Don't feel guilty for wanting sex. It's normal and healthy. So is masturbating.If you decide you can't wait anymore, you have two choices: Leave your girlfriend, or propose!Typically, the couples I know who waited till marriage were engaged after about one year and married after two. The good thing about waiting is that sometimes sex can cloud your judgment. If you court someone for a year, without sex, and still want to be with them forever, then getting married and having sex will almost definitely make your relationship better!Some people advise others to "test drive the car", but I disagree with this. If there is a clear chemistry (like, you love kissing each other), then there will be a strong connection during sex. My only other piece of bedroom advice is that you can't be selfish. 90% of the time women refer to "bad" sex, they are referring to sex where the guy didn't pleasure her, and she didn't have an orgasm!
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (20 September 2015):
 What would be normal in your culture? In the west sex before marriage is quite normal. And this is not a new thing. Of course the other answer is to get married now. You could perhaps have a small private ceremony, and later on have a bigger one for all the family to celebrate your union.Are there religious aspects to your restraint? As far as STDs are concerned I think there are fewer concerns in a monogamous relationship as long as your hygiene is adequate. As for unwanted pregnancy, you do have contraception as an option. Condoms will help protect you from both STDs and unwanted pregnancy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2015): Well, you established early on in your relationship that you would like to wait till marriage before having sex. I think you should talk about it with her and see what she thinks. You're not alone in this. You guys are in a relationship so you both need to work together to come to a compromise. Explain to her how you feel. You don't necessarily have to have sex, there is always oral and foreplay.Safe sex is easily implemented with condoms or going on the pill. Of course abstinence is key. I think you should raise the issue with her, you obviously have moved into a third ish base without her and that doesn't seem to be working with her. Of course it doesn't mean she won't be open to not having sex. But you should respect her ultimate decision but make sure you express how you feel about your situation clearly, otherwise both of you may not come to the compromise you want. Communication is key when talking sex life with your partner. It shows respect and I'm sure she will be grateful for it.So: Raise the issue, tell her how you feel, ask how she feels, come to a compromise (suggestions of safe sex).
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