A
female
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anonymous
writes:HiI really would like some opinions about my situation, I'm really unsure what to do now.My fiancee and I have been together for a few years now. and about a year/year and a half ago he realized he had been molested by his father (it's something he's always had issues with, but never could put his finger on who itwas who did it until recently)So anyway, when he first moved in with me he would go visit them on the weekends, and I would stay home. I noticed he would come back nervous, jittery and would snap at anything I said to him.After a while I decided to bring his behaviour to his attention and he told me of his parents basically attacking him everytime he went to visit, calling him vile names and chastizing him for moving in with me.Quite a while has passed, and he decided to contact his uncle and catch up with him. I stayed out of it because I didn't feel it was my place and I didn't want him to think I dissaproved of his contact with his family.Since day one his uncle has refused to admit to any wrong doing on the part of his parents. My fiancee has poured his heart out to his uncle only to be told that his parents were mearly "Over-Protective"Then he had the nerve to email several pastors and ask them their view on living together before marrige. This made me angry as we have every intention of getting married someday.But when my fiancee asked him to email these pastors and ask them there views on child molestation and abuse he refused to do it, and simple told my fiancee to forgive and forget about it.I'm so angry about this, and my fiancee wrote him and told him that he didn't think it was fair of him to ask him to forgive and forget, but now he feels guilty for getting angry at his uncle.I'm at my wits end...how can I explain to my fiancee that his parents chose to act the way they did and they need to face the consiquences of it? How can I convince him it was ok for him to stand up to his uncle???Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2007): No definately not, he should not nor should you let this go otherwise it is going to destroy your marriage that is forthcoming. If you are in a position where you are angry and you bare the brunt of his behaviour it will become ten-fold when you have children, if that happens. His parents still control him now and you see what he is like when he comes home. You are his safe-zone. Many people who have been abused still go back, stay, don't escape from their predator, it makes them feel great that they got through another vistation from the predator...but they then respond badly, unintentionally they don't know any different. You need to seek justice even if it is his father, this man has got away all his life hounding your husband. Your husband to be and you shouldn't have this hanging over you, you yourself will never feel at ease in his presence, this man is shallow, controlling and will continue to call the shots if he thinks you are frightened to do anything. My boyfried was abused at aged 8 by a scout leader and I have convinced him to go the police which he did. He feels triumphant that this man is being hunted down and will never do what he did to him again to anyone else. Your fiancee has been let down in the worst possible way, from his own parent...let this man know what it is like to face fear, to feel how your fiancee does after he comes home, all those terrible agitated feelings...this man cannot control him or you. He is weak, pathetic and let him know what he is, that he won't continue to ruin your future together or who your fiancee is. Rid him of this tyrant.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2007): Hi There,
I am really sorry that you are in this situation. I am currently a councellor who works with abuse issues. Your fiance needs to avoid feeling guilty and know that none of this is his fault. Most people spend years in reflection on a past that involves abuse and molestation, this isn't anything to be embarrased about.
Be supportive to him and explain to him that you love him and that none of this was his doing. His parents are being mean to him because of a guilty conscience that probably eats away inside of them -- and it should. He should not carry any guilt. It is up to him if he wishes to forgive, but to forget is something he shouldn't do. He should remember and learn from the mistakes that his parents made to ensure that he can make a better parent.
Take Care and I hope that this helps.
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