A
female
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anonymous
writes:For the past month I've been really down and depressed for a mixture of reasons. It can be debated about whether or not I have real reasons to be feeling like this or if it's just me being depressed for no good reasons.A few reasons why I have been down is due to stress of exams at uni, jealousy issues I've had with my boyfriend, car and finance issues. I've told my boyfriend about all of this and he's gotten to the point where he says he feels emotionally exhausted from trying to support me all the time and it seems he's getting sick of me being depressed all the time. He thinks I shouldn't be so upset about all this stuff going on for me, because I have no control over the issues at the moment, I should just 'get over it'.I feel as though my boyfriend is being really insensitive and not understanding, by telling me to just forget all that is bothering me, and also I feel he is being selfish because he only wants me to do that so he doesn't have to see me upset all the time because its geting him down. Don't get me wrong, I feel bad that me being depressed gets him down too and I understand it would be exhausting for him, but it just hurts me so much and makes me feel he isn't very supporting or understanding when he tells me that I dont have a good reason to be upset and that I should stop worrying aboutall these issues.Basicaly my question to you guys is, do I have reasons to be upset? Should my boyfriend be supportive of me? I feel hes not being supportive enough from what he has said. Having said all that, I do feel that I have no control over my emotions. I just get upset about sooooo many little things. And I don't know what to do. So in this respct I can see how my bf may be right. And how he must be very frustrated. Im sick of crying about every litle thing, butIdon't know how to stop. Is there something wrong with me or what??
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female
reader, cyn  +, writes (16 July 2007):
First of all baby girl your taking a chapter right out of my book.lol. my boyfriend is an emotional cripple who doesnt know how to handle me depression either. You have the right to feel however you want to feel. we cant control our emotions all the time and speaking from someone in a similar relationship, why would you keep your emotions hidden and supressed to keep his spirits up? we all have worries and we all get sad. dont sweat it sweetheart. If he loves you he will cater to you
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2007): Next time, walk up to the BF and the gal and introduce yourself and hug him and try to be a part of the conversation.
You both are re-acting and it's going to take more you trusting in him and being patient for him to see the changes you are committed to make.-Men like confidence.
You can help how you re-act so again, ownership goes a long way.
Next time, say you know what love, maybe I did handle it poorly and it would help if you introduced me. Please may I have a hug, I sure can use one. Then realize how much he loves you.
It's going to take time and work and dedication to changing your behaviours, especially re-acting. Jealousy isn't a good thing and insecurites/fears are the main reasons why our lives get complicated. Don't let your fears rule you-you're in charge.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey! Thankyou both soooo much for your help :) It has given me a better understanding of the situation.
However I do have a couple of other questions. After reading your comments, I realised I do need to give him a break, so today when I saw him I tried to be as happy as I could be, forget about my problems and enjoy the time I have with him. And all was going great. He was happy, I was happy. However, when we were out at the video store, a random female he knows somehow came up to him and started talking to him for like 15 mins. He didnt introduce me or anything and this upset me a fair bit. So I excused myself while I went to try and calm myself down, before thinking the worse of the situation. And I did, I managed to not get overly upset about the situation and cry about it, which is what I would usualy do.
But then when I came back to see my bf he as cranky at me. He could tell I was upset from what had happened and then started the whole issue baout how I get uspet about everything.
I dont know what to do. I saved him the emotional exhaustion of putting up with me crying and stuff. I calmed my self down in like 5 mins. WHat more does he wnat? I cant help that I get upset about things, but what I can do is how I react to the situation and I honestly thought I dealt with it quite well by not geting realy upset.
Any more advice on what to do?
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A
male
reader, nigelfuxwell +, writes (13 July 2007):
 Oops... Typo"I’m saying throw your cares away and just let what happens happen." Should read I’m NOT saying throw your cares away and just let what happens happen.
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A
male
reader, nigelfuxwell +, writes (13 July 2007):
From a guy’s perspective – No you’re not depressed over nothing. These emotions you have are not strange or crazy. Financial issues, relationship issues (jealousy) the stress of school, any ONE of these things is enough to put anyone in a tailspin. The fact that you’re dealing with them and not running from them is good, and I respect you for that.But you have another issue. You have to realize that life is brutal. It’s tough, and these problems you have now will pass. You’ll look back and smile at this moment in your life because you will not only survive this test, you will thrive, ok? What you’re lacking right now is coping skills. Life’s problems are not nice enough to hit you one at a time, and everybody regardless of age, socio-economic status, race, etc. has them. You have to learn how to cope. Understand that stressing and fretting over your problems are doing nothing to resolve them. While it is ok to worry, and it is great to try to fix them, it is totally counter-productive to obsess over them, especially if there really is nothing you can do it fix it right now. I’m saying throw your cares away and just let what happens happen. I’m saying to write down your problems. Instead of presenting them as problems – try to develop solutions. Short and long term things you can do to eliminate them. In the business world, we used to refer to our problems as “opportunities to improve” I used to HATE that phrase, but if you think about it, that’s what it is. Now with respect to your boyfriend. It’s perfectly natural to turn to him when you have problems in life, but constantly talking and complaining and crying about it tends to have the opposite effect of what you’re hoping for. I’m sure he’s frustrated because he wants to help, but feels helpless. That’s a tough emotion for a man to deal with – helplessness. Also, when you’re constantly down, no matter how much you love someone, it tends to be a turn off. “Misery may love company, but company don’t love misery” – My grandma used to say. Instead of turning to him as an outlet for your fears and frustrations, try to loosen up and enjoy him. When you spend time with him, give him a chance to make you forget your problems. Here’s what I mean:I dated a girl who was having financial problems. She had a beautiful little girl, and the father was absent. She had a stressful job that didn’t pay her enough, yet demanded her soul. Her family was great, but they were constantly criticizing her for one thing or another. The list goes on. I truly cared about this woman, but I could not keep up with the drama in her life. I didn’t want to lose her, but it got to the point where I’d rather have a root canal rather than spend time with her and hear more negativity. So instead of cutting it off, I did what I could to take her mind off her problems. Whether it was watching movies together eating Chinese food and laughing, taking her to the park, taking her kid for the day to let her relax, going to a museum and getting lost in something other than our problems, etc. The point is, let your boyfriend divert your attention away from your problems. They’re going to be there for a while. If you push him away, he won’t. Remember, no one but you can solve your problems. And his ability to support you is limited by his personality and his experience. Learn to let go of your worries for a couple of hours a day, and when you come back to them – attack them. There are very few things in life you can control, and many more things in life you can’t. But no matter what, you can influence the outcome of everything. -Remember the laws of attraction – whatever vibe you give off, is what you get back… keep your head up, stay positive, keep fighting, never give up and NEVER forget how to have fun.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2007): And it gets him down because he feels helpless. Men hate to see the woman they love in distress, unhappy and they take it as they are failing them. And he's not failing you, he loves you.
Also, talk to your Mom and Gf's to get comfort and perspective and tell him, thank you for listening. If he says he can't listen anymore, take it that he needs a break, a rest from it and grant that to him-he'll be thankful and it is human for us to say, I have my limits, please give me time to recoup.
This is so fixable Babe.
*hugs*
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2007): This is female vs male issues that stem from a misunderstanding in communication.
Your BF isn't trying to be insensitive or unsupportive. Men like to fix things. Also men 100% believe that men will sort things out on their own.
So he thinks he is being supportive of you when he says, it's okay, it's not a big problem (men say that to one another thus giving their support by saying men are capable of handling anything that comes their way).
Women know women need to talk about it to vent, feel, experience and this is therapy for them and by doing this, they eventually get to solving it and then they can move on. Kinda like closure. Men just don't know this. Most men don't like to listen especially if they think they are the problem and they do tend to translate your unhappiness at their fault-they are to blame especially when it comes to troubles in the relationship. This creates so much problems-misunderstandings blow.
I am going to recommend a book for you and the BF to read together. Do so in a manner about self discovery. Don't point fingers. Laugh and take comfort that your situation happens everyday and in most every other relationship and all you both need is a book to guide you on how to translate and learn how to speak one anothers langauge.
John Gray, Ph. D "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus."
It has helped me greatly.
Ownership, forgiveness, and patience goes a long way.
*hugs*
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