A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is a question as to what would be the right or most sensible thing for me to do with regards to my best friend. We're in year 13 at our sixth form, so our last year before we go to university in October. Throughout the past two years, my friend (I'll call her A) has been saying how she thinks one of her subject teachers (29, male) is really great, kind and funny- he's one of her favourite people. She's emphatic that he's a really adept teacher, and also very friendly and sweet as well. I thought this was all very well, although a little odd that he has a twitter account and often tweets his students.Lately they've been getting closer and closer, probably due to the fact that A's been going through a really rough time at home recently, and her teacher's been cheering her up at school / via twitter. She always feels better after speaking with him, and it makes her really happy. I wasn't ultra worried about anything until he started saying things to her that he 'hasn't told anyone else' and telling her that she cheers him up, and that he won't be able to bear it when she leaves. I agree with my other friends who think this is a bit dangerous for a teacher to say to a student, even if he won't be her teacher after next week, although A sees it as perfectly sweet and fine. The problem I'm having then, is that he's said he'd like to meet up with her during half term (in two weeks), and is now apparently texting her that he wanted to take her to lunch. He's admitted that it has become harder for him to be 'professional' in her class, because he 'sees her as too much of a friend, not a student', and so of course A is over the moon and really does want to meet up with him.She isn't blind to how it looks to other people, however, and she thinks it's quite crazy how he's admitting to not thinking of her as a student, but she's also 100% sure she's safe with him, and is merely concerned with what other people would think, should they 'find out'. I realise if they meet up after we've left, then that's not an issue (is it?)because he won't be her teacher anymore, but I'm worried for her nonetheless because at first he told her he wouldn't meet up with her unless she tells her parents, but now said it's probably better if she doesn't tell them. A of course doesn't want to tell them. As it stands now, I will be the only one to know when and if they meet up in half term, and also the only one who's getting more and more terrified that he'll hurt her in some way. Am I silly to be scared for her? She isn't afraid at all. She currently doesn't want a relationship and has never had one, nor do I believe she'll willingly 'do' anything besides innocent things should they meet up.So I suppose my question is, should I suggest to her that she tell her parents, or make sure she meets up with him in public, or tell her not to go? Or something else? I'm pretty sure her teacher's a friendly, funny person, but I can't help being worried all the same. I'm sorry my story's a bit rambling, and thank you in advance to any advice as to what I should do, if anything!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (16 May 2013):
Thank you for being such a good friend. A is very lucky to have you watching her back.
You have good instincts and you're right to worry. Under no circumstances should a teacher behave this way, even if the student in question will graduate soon. The fact remains that he's unable to control himself in a situation where they are not equals. That makes him unprofessional, untrustworthy and therefore unfit to be a teacher. I'm surprised he's so transparent and careless because if the school catches wind of this, he'll most likely get fired.
The age gap (which I'm guessing is +/- 10 years) doesn't have to be problematic if they'd met on equal footing. But the fact he was her teacher gives him a natural authority. The fact he's older just enhances that. And if she's never been in a relationship that means she doesn't have any experience to draw from and she's more likely to be naive.
I wouldn't trust her judgment on this one because she can't be objective. Also, so many people try to get in people's pants under the guise of 'just being nice'. The fact he wants her to keep the meet up from her parents means he knows they'll most likely object. And it could also be because he'll be free to try what he wants. She'll be easy to manipulate. We get so many questions here on from girls who ended up having sex with someone while they really didn't want to, but were talked/guilt tripped/ into doing it. She's definitely not safe and some men don't take 'no' for an answer. I'm not saying he's that kind of guy, but unfortunately in this world it's better to be cautious.
In your shoes I'd try to talk some sense into her. Ask her where she wants this to lead, what she expects from him. Because this sounds like a date. And a guy his age isn't going to settle for a cuddle and a kiss when a girl shows interest in him. So if she's not interested in him in that way, advise her to make sure he knows that. Personally I think the meet up is a bad idea. I'd advise against it. But I know how stubborn people can be, so here's what I'd do if she's adamant on meeting him:
Get her to at least notify her parents. It's not about what he wants, it's about her being safe. Opt to go with her and if she won't let you, get her to meet up with him in a public place, during daytime. No getting into cars with him, no going to his house. And convince her to keep you in the loop. That means letting you know when they meet up and where. Get her to contact you when she arrives, during (if they go to another location) and when the meet up is done. Also advise her to tell him her parents know she's with him and where she is. If he was planning something, he'll be less likely to do it because he knows someone is watching out for her.
Again, you're not silly at all for being worried. You're being sensible. I wish everyone had your instincts.
A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (16 May 2013):
 He won't be her teacher after next week BUT she is his student now and he is acting very unprofessionally, telling her he's finding it hard to be professional and he's already planning to meet her just as soon as she leaves school. That doesn't sit right with me. Your friend has been having a hard time and she is probably feeling vulnerable. Sure, he can help her, but he shouldn't be telling her those other things. His job is to teach her and guide her, not go out with her. I'm a teacher, too and I have taught a lot of teenagers. I can see that some of them are, or will become very attractive, but I would never do anything with them. I chat to them, I help them if they're having problems or try to cheer them up if they're feeling down, but that's it. When they leave, they leave. I would never try to meet up with any of my students after they left. I just don't think it's right. The thing is, you can tell her not to go but there's not much you can do to stop her. Once she leaves school, there's nothing illegal about it (although if it comes out, he will get a lot of grief about it from his colleagues, and parents might feel funny about him teaching their daughters). I don't have a moral problem with people dating their former teachers but if this turns into a relationship then I would have reservations about how and when it started. That alone would put me off him. You're a good friend to be so concerned. If she does meet up with him and you're worried about her safety, make sure to find out where exactly they will be meeting (a public place preferably) and ask her to keep in contact with you.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (16 May 2013):
You and your friend are 18? She is a legal adult. In saying that I don't think his intentions are to have a "friendly" lunch. This guy appears to be a vulture, your friend his prey. Why now has he decided it is best that she not tell her parents? Probably 'cause he knows it is wrong. A 29 year old professional male does not have an interest in having a relationship with a former student who happens to be a young female friend. Why would a teacher have any students personal cell phone number? That is also wrong and this guy is creepy and is crossing the line. Do you think he will physically hurt her? I would head right to her parents if that is the case. I think the best thing to do is sit down with her and speak with her about your concerns. Keep the conversation to her personal safety. Tell her how flattering it would be to have an older male giving her complaints and "depending" on her for his simple joy in the day. He is setting a trap and your friend is loving it and falling for it. Just like any impressionable female would do. We crave that kind of attention. If your friend feels she must go, then encourage her to drive herself, meet somewhere in public and to leave separately. Get her to tell you the time and the place so you know where she is at. Tell her to call or text you when she leaves. You sound like a very caring friend. In the end she is going to make her own decisions that ou may not like.Good Luck Friend!
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