A
female
age
30-35,
*issbonbon
writes:I'm so confused and hurt...A long time ago, about 4 years ago, I met an amazing man. I was 16 and he was 18. He was my first and really true love. I would have died for him a thousand times over.He went into the military, and we began having huge issues. One of them was that I was raped. A "friend" of mine had told him I willingly done it. To this day I hate the person that raped me for every last ounce of innocence they stole from me. Unfortunately, by the time I reported it, it was too late for anything to be done. My boyfriend, named David, wanted nothing with this. From there our relationship decayed until we broke up. He cheated, we both lied, we both hurt each other.I found someone else shortly after coming out of that relationship. He is amazing as well. But I find myself constantly wanting David. Even 4 years later, I'm still holding onto that tattered relationship. I don't understand why. Whenever my current boyfriend leaves, I think nothing of it. The only reason I hate it when he leaves is because I can then think about David and about how much I miss him. My whole body will ache in silence for David. Even 4 years later. David has since married a girl who is pretty much the exact replica of me, but better. I feel like such a terrible person compared to her. I never asked to get raped. But because she will more than likely never go through what I have been through, she will probably spend the rest of her life with him.They've had a child now. Beautiful baby. But it kills me inside to know that I could have been the one to share that life milestone with him. I need help. Badly. Someone to talk to. I want to write him just for closure. But I can't. The bad blood between us and myself and his family is to deep. Writing him would be signing my death wish. But I can't keep living without him. All my heart is dedicated to him, and it kills me to know that I'm being an even worse person leading someone else on. Please anyone. :(
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (8 June 2010):
 This guy David failed you miserably in your time of need. By not believing you (I'm guessing that you were raped by someone you knew, as are the majority of rapes), he further hurt you by pushing you away, and then cheating on you. This is a huge hole torn through your heart.
The answer to your closure does not lie with communicating with this guy. He is the lowest scum of the earth and the main reason most rapes go unreported. He deserves not one thought, not one good feeling, not one single favor from you. You're caught in an emotional feedback loop, and the only way you can get "closure" is to close it yourself, and only yourself.
You need to come to grips with the fact that nothing that happened is your fault. You encountered a man who has a spine and a backbone of pure worthless jelly, and you didn't realize it until you were in love and hooked on him. He is married and has moved on and now his new wife will have to deal with his spinelessness, which *will* manifest itself as their marriage goes on. You have been saved from him and now have the chance with someone new who does love you.
You need to break out of this silly emotional feedback loop. The only emotion you should feel with David is cold hard fury at his utter betrayal of you. For him to reject you and push you away and cheat on you and disbelieve you makes HIM an aider and abetter of this other guy's rape of you, and David should be put in the same class as the rapist and every other horrible man who dares not be there for their women who are raped. His correct response should have been to come home and knock the rapist's teeth out and fix him so that he could never have sex with another woman ever again, and then to flood you with love and kindness.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (8 June 2010):
You won't ever get the closure you want anyway. No one ever does. Because even if he did get back in contact, for every answer he gives, you'd have another question. And it would continue like that. I think the major problem here is that you were raped. You were with him at the time (I assume from your post), and he left because of this, so you blame yourself. You did't get the support from him at the time, and I think you're hoping that he will suddenly come and support you now and make it better.
What you're missing here, is that he's not that great or amazing. In your moment of need, he left. And before that, he cheated. In no way is that an amazing man. That's a man who who's pretty weak really. His wife isn't any better than you at all. She was just someone who was easier to deal with because he couldn't get past you having been raped. Again, that's a shabby man for you.
More than anything, you need support for having been raped. I think you do need to see a counsellor. Of course you can live a life without him. And you will. But you need support from someone who understands what you've been through. What you don't need is to be hung up in a guy who deserted you when it got tough for him. I wish you all the best, and do make sure you get that support.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (8 June 2010):
 That is just horrible that he would break up with you because you got raped. I don't think you'll get him back, and if you're aiming to write that letter to get him back, it's not going to work. Furthermore, you don't want to be with someone who will make you feel bad about something that isn't your fault. I'm so sorry all of that happened, but I think instead of writing your ex a letter, you should get yourself into counseling.
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