A
male
age
41-50,
*ohnny_Bello
writes:I'm 36, I've been married to my wife for 3 years and we never had any big sex-related problem or issue. Since a few months ago I started noticing that she was not satisfied anymore after we were done in bed. Not that she would tell me before, but she would say she was pleased or was making funny or simple appreciations. And the same for me. Anyway, I caught her more than once "finishing the job" by herself after I got up or after I left the bedroom, and that upset me a bit. She said it is not a big deal, that she still enjoys sex and I do not have to worry whatsoever. she would not even have told me because she considers it something in the strain of "men enjoying themselves", so no need to crack this secret open. Should I worry or I am just paranoid? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2013): Many many women find it really difficult to have an orgasm during sex. The fact that she's in the mood enough to 'finish herself off' after sex with you shows that the sex really turned her on. It's a good thing! Maybe you could try offering to help her out after sex. Sorry if this is a bit graphic but personally i love a man to kiss my tummy, breasts and thighs while i bring myself to orgasm after sex. I love that the attention is fully on me and that i dont have to worry about his orgasm anymore, although it often turns the guy on so much that when i'm done he's ready to go again!! whatever works for you and her.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2013): When people don't discuss their issues about sex in a marriage; they bury them and build resentment. That's not a probability, that's a fact.
You are concerned. You've gotten a lot of advice here.
You don't know how to talk about it; so instead you're going to bury it until you make something ugly of it. You wouldn't have written DC if you weren't "worried."
Sex concerns intimacy. You're going to form your own opinion; without her input to clarify any misconceptions.
Well, my friend; if you can't talk about sex to your wife, chances are you'll develop a complex about inadequacy. Like so many men who walk around with a chip on their shoulder and no one knows why.
It's in your head. Are you afraid to of what she might say?
This is the 21st century, and you're under forty. You're not in the age-group that can't discuss sex without hiding their faces in the palms of their hands in embarrassment.
That's usually very conservative people well over 70; who grew up when sex was hardly discussed at all. You wonder how people could still feel so uncomfortable discussing sex with a partner. You came to us, but you can't ask your wife.
Oh, it will come up one of these days. Your post is proof that it bothers you.
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A
male
reader, Johnny_Bello +, writes (2 October 2013):
Johnny_Bello is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate everybody's answers and you are right, I should talk more, but that's been always my biggest problem. We talk frankly about many things, but sometimes sex is just sex and if some problem or concern arises, well, then we both just overlook it thinking that it was nothing. We are kind of made the same way when it comes to these matters, it is difficult for her to let thoughts go too. We are aware of this flaw in our characters and I do not feel I'm selfish, we have lot of fun and we enjoy ourselves very much. And you are right, she is my wife and I want to be able to tell her anything!
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (2 October 2013):
 You should worry. I'm sorry, but this is NOT the first time this issue has been brought up on this site. Its so common that its beginning to become frustrating. why wouldn't you care if you finished your wife off? It's not just all about men in bed. If you get off, finish her up orally or with your hands and then call it a day. It get her off first, then you get off. you're leaving your wife hanging. And so many men do this. Why? I genuinely can't imagine not caring if my partner never had an orgasm. What if your wife left you to whack off after every time you had sex but she got hers? Yeah I think it's a problem. It's selfish.
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A
male
reader, GentleGiant  +, writes (2 October 2013):
If you really love your woman you have to lead the charge and find out what gets her off. Tell her she does not need a vibrator or dildo and that you can satisfy her. Listen to her
carefully and say you love her and find nothing wrong with oral sex. Good-luck.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (1 October 2013):
 What does she mean about "men enjoying themselves"? It sounds like she's (sorry to say) never been having orgasms and didn't want to speak up. Unless I've misunderstood, she sounds a little old fashioned and thinks the mans enjoyment is more important than her own?
You way you say that you "caught" her masturbating makes it sound like she's doing something forbidden. She's not. Imagine if she climaxed after you gave her oral sex, for example, and she just got up and left the bed (I know this is an unlikely scenario) - wouldn't you feel frustrated? And if it happened repeatedly, wouldn't you also take to finishing yourself off on your own? I know it's not quite that simple because it's obvious when a man climaxes and less so for a woman, but you get the idea.
You also say "when we're finished", when it's only you who has finished. Unless she faking orgasms during sex, why do you say "we"?
I'm not blaming you at all, it sounds like you're both being really shy about discussing this. Maybe she's too shy or sexually inhibited to climax with you there? It's possible.
Lastly, many if not most women don't climax through penetration alone. Our bodies just don't work that way. Though it's highly enjoyable, it's not usually the clincher.
I think you should stop passively worrying and actively talk to her. If she's happy with finishing herself off on her own then fine, but I bet she'd prefer some assistance.
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A
female
reader, ModelCitizen +, writes (1 October 2013):
As others have said, 'after we were done' is not accurate here. You may be done, she is not. My boyfriend is good in bed and I do enjoy sex with him, but once he is finished that is it. Sometimes I'm finished too so its ok, but he never seems to check so often I am left 'almost there' and he has already got up to clean himself up. It's not that he's bad in bed, I just don't think he's ever considered that I might not be done too. I think all you need to do is check that she too is finished, and if not help her to get there.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (1 October 2013):
 I consulted my "Guy" book about this.... the chapter titled, "You have to be a real MAN to satisfy your woman... and THAT may mean giving her oral pleasure, above and beyond what you thought was necessary".....
Would you like me to send you a copy of that chapter?????
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (1 October 2013):
 If you approach sex with the mindset that your function is to provide your partner with as much pleasure as possible then you might have a better combination of love making. "After we were done"??? you mean asfter your were done. You left her behind so what do you expect? Read up on the Karma Sutra and look to learn how to provide pleasure not recieve plasure.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000 +, writes (1 October 2013):
 I gotta tell you...If she's finishing off by herself, it means you did not satisfy her. I had to do this in the past with one of my lovers (my ex husband), and he was lousy in bed.
Sorry to be so blunt, but you need to spend more time pleasuring her. If you know you ejaculate too quickly then spend more time on foreplay.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2013): I have to go back to your comment:
"after we were done in bed."
I have to remind you that the act isn't necessarily done when "you're" done. Women take longer to reach orgasm, and it is a little more complicated as you know. Sometimes they may desire more than one. She may rather do it herself; rather than pressure you, or cause you any anxiety.
Women have as much right to please themselves as we do. Perhaps you should try and learn from her masturbation. It may help you to find that spot that you may be missing that gets her off. Take pleasure in just watching; and helping when you can. She isn't making a big deal of anything; so, why should you?
Just ask a few gentle questions of how you can help; instead of trying to create a problem, because of your bruised ego. A high percentage of the marital concerns about sex posted to DC could be resolved; if people just talked to each other without getting emotional or angry.
The approach is either accusatory or angry. With women, it's often some nonsense about their bodies, or comparing themselves to women in porn videos. That gets my goat.
You don't attack your partner about sex! It puts them on the defensive; and the next time you have intercourse, it's awkward and there's tension or anxiety.
There shouldn't be shame between people who love each other, for crying out loud people!!!
Sex is personal. Sometimes we chose to please ourselves our way, and sometimes we want a partner.
She hasn't complained; which is a sign that she is happy with "making love" and getting it on with you. She also likes to make herself cum; which may require more time, and she prefers/likes to do that herself. She may or may not feel comfortable explaining it; but I would not press the matter, if it doesn't directly affect your love-making.
"Inadequacy" is the first thing that seems to spring into everyone's mind, if a partner masturbates. Perhaps that is often the case; but if you know your partner, this is where trust comes into play. This is the opportunity to find out what you're doing wrong, or not doing enough of.
Turn a negative into a positive. You'll both benefit from it. Stop searching for someone to fault, or feeling left out.
I bet you a dollar to a doughnut, that she could use a lot more clitoral stimulation either by digital manipulation, or oral. Are you afraid to ask your own wife questions about sex? Don't take it personal, if she does have some suggestions. You're not a mind-reader. That's why we have the powers of speech and reason.
Rather than "confronting" her; ask if there is anything she'd like you to do, if it helps. Otherwise, just kiss her and caress her while she does what she needs (if it's okay). Maybe she doesn't need your help. Get your own pleasure from watching, if she doesn't mind. Maybe she needs a second round, before you're "both" finished.
Don't worry, she's your wife. You can ask her anything. It's how you ask, that makes the difference.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 October 2013):
 If you know SHE hasn't "finished" why don't you try and get her off, seems like when you got yours you get up and leave her to finish herself. She might say it's not a big deal but in the long run, she might get turned off sex at some point.
You "caught" her getting off so you SHOULD have an idea of what it will take.
Unfulfilled sex kills a person's libido.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (1 October 2013):
 Never mind about wondering if you're being paranoid.
What you need to do is talk to your wife - in other words, ASK her what YOU can do to make sex better for her and to satisfy her needs.
Would she like you to spend time (or more time) playing, fondling her g-spot, giving her oral stimulation, talking "dirty" to her, or what?
Now: while I'm not in favor of pornography, you might want to watch a "steamy" movie (I remember Glenn Close did a great job of seduction in the film "Fatal Attraction") or video.
Hope this helps; I expect other aunts and uncles will have some good ideas for you.
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A
female
reader, little sue +, writes (1 October 2013):
Yes you should worry about it. She is being polite but eventually she will get very frustrated even though its nobodies fault that this is happening and she really does not want to offend or hurt you maybe she has "let "you catch her finish the job so that she could broach the subject ...try oral sex to get her extra stimulated before sex and even you have finished ask her what she would like uou to do to her .. good luck :)
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