A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi all. My bf of two years is not keen on me going to work do's with him, this includes parties at people's houses. Halloween last year there was one at someone's house and although he didnt go, he made it clear that he did not want me to go. He insists that it is because it is a work do and has said that he feels he would not be able to relax as I would not know anyone (he is quite highly strung!). Is this okay or abit weird? Even if it IS abit weird, there is not much I can do about it as he is adamant that I will not go with him. I have faith in him and I dont think it means that he is being unfaithful or anything like that. We spend alot of time together and we are buying a house. I just find it a bit odd, I can not necessarily identify with how he feels here. Should I worry about this or just let it go? No-one is perfect I guess, it just upsets me abit that there are going to be times when he will go to a party without me. I know we dont need to be joined at the hip and he is more independent than I whereas I can be very clingy, so maybe I should not make a big deal out of this and just let him go? Thanks for reading. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2011): Aaah. A drink problem sheds a whole new light on this situation. If I had known that from the start my answer would have been completely different. I was right about one thing though. He was protecting himself, not you. Not that I blame him.'Earlier this year' is not so very long ago so I can fully understand his reluctance to include you in work related events. The fact that you've already had arguments about this tells me you've broached the subject way too soon with him. Now his back is up.Leave it alone and give him enough time to see you've licked the drink problem once and for all.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 September 2011):
 Hi OP, you see, past sins cast long shadows at times, it is not fair but that's how it is. If there has been some outing which ended up in disaster , he may be still skittish .
Keep doing what you are doing (drinking in moderation and being on your best behaviour:) and take him to the parties where you are invited ,to show him that he has got nothing to worry, I think he'll come around in time.
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A
male
reader, Hugh.J +, writes (4 September 2011):
 Trust your instincts: if you don't think he is cheating, he probably isn't.At my work, we often had events, parties, call them what you will, and when staff were canvassed for "with spouses or without", it came back almost 100% without! That's just the way we were; nothing against spouses, but we could be our work selves more readily, if you see what I mean?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2011): Hey Cindy, yeah it is me agian! We had a massive row about this the other night as my colleague had a big house party for her husband's 40th and i was invited. Well, my bf already had plans for that night and i was too tired to go so we didnt go but i wouldve invited him and been ok'relaxed with that. So this reminded me of last year where he did not want me to go to the halloween party and i started to feel angry and we ended up having a fight (not physical, just verbal!). This to me indicates that it's best not discussing it agian as we both hate fighting and it is not good for the r'ship or our stress levels. I did have a drink problem last year'earlier this year but I dont now and have cut doen loads but if i do go otu and drink too much it usually ends in disaster, still, and my bf and i are terrible togther when we drink too much togther, which is why we dont do it anymore. I know if he gets an invite this year he will go alone and it will upset me but there is nothing i can do, he has made up his mind and that is that. Other than leaving him, there is nothing i can do, and i am certainly not about to do that, he has far too many other qualites. While tthis wanting to lead an independent life from me gets on my nerves it is not going to change, yet anyway, so i will just have to accept things as they are.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (4 September 2011):
OP, I may be getting you confused with another lady- in which case I apologize- but the mention of a Halloween party sparked some vague recollections.
I think you already posted about this situation, only in your previous post or posts,you had mentioned that you don't handle your drinks too well and your behaviour at parties has not been always above board. In this case, it's normal that your bf is prudent and does not want to risk losing face with his coworkers and being embarassed. Even if that's a thing of the past... better safe than sorry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2011): Hi I'm OP. Wow, so most of you think he is cheating?? That had not even occured to me, I trust him. And you all seem to think he is up to something...Funny, as last night I realised that if i want to be with him it is just something I am going to have to accept - you know? Like everyone has bits and pieces that arent great and you have to accept that, if you love them. He is very independent and it appears he wants to keep this part of his life separate from me. Bernard - I think that is really nice you took your gf/family with you but I dont think it means that you are a better man than my bf, just different. I guess everyone has their qualities and their negative parts. Truly, i am surprised to hear that you think he may be cheating. I dont think that is very likely.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2011): I cannot speak for him or his reasons for not wanting you to be around his coworkers.I can only say this: When my first husband was cheating on me, he never wanted to be seen with me and he NEVER allowed me to go to his work events. Turns out he was cheating on me with a coworker.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2011): His excuse for not wanting you to attend is flimsy and I wouldn't fall for that one for a minute. He is protecting himself, not you.That does not necessarily mean he is cheating but there is obviously something he doesn't want you to know. It could be that he is not as highly esteemed by his colleagues as he would have you believe. Maybe something embarrassing has happened to him (such as screwing up an assigment or being demoted) or that he considers a male colleague a threat to his relationship with you. He may have been spending more time working with a female colleague (innocently enough) and doesn't want you to learn of it and get the wrong idea.If there are no other red flags such as secret conversations, emails or text messages, suspiciously long hours 'at work' then I wouldn't push him, but I would defintely keep a lazy eye on the situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2011): From personal experience I think work partys can be bad for any relationship.....its where a lot of affairs start. Not saying he is, he is probably innocent, I just don't get why he doesn't want you to go, yes I think it is very strange. You are a couple who are about to get am ortgage and you should be doing things together, I do not think there is anything wrong with him going out on his own occaisonally but when it comes to work do's I thinki if you have a partner then they should go has I have said work party's can cause so much trouble believe me I know. It is up to you what you make of it at the end of the day but when it happened to me I didn't think anything of it and it turned out he was having an affair with the one person I never thought he would....goes to show and I for one know I shall never make that mistake again!! I think you will get alot of different opinions on here about this subject but at the end of the day it is ultimately up to you what you make of it!! Good Luck
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