A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi my husbands first love is trying to get in contact with him. He's not sure yet if he will reply to email. I'm not sure how I feel about this,on the one hand I want him to do what he wants but on the other I'm a bit concerned about feelings being brought to the service, or why in general is she getting in contact after 30 years! Wanted some other people's opinions on this and if this happened to you, how did it turn out? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 December 2016):
 I really think it comes down to WHY she contacted him. IF she knows he is married and she is JUST looking to catch up (for whatever reason, usually nostalgia) I don't think it's a problem.
IF she is looking for a shoulder to cry on after a "failed" marriage or relationship or to rekindle old romantic feelings, then yes it's a problem and hopefully, your husband will shut that down.
My husband occasionally talks to his high school sweetheart on FB and I occasionally talk to my first 'love" over e-mail - it's absolutely platonic chats and I see nothing wrong with it. NOTHING is being said that my husband can't show me or I can't show him. I actually talk more to his former high school sweetheart than he does. We text maybe once or twice a week. She is a pretty nice person.
But not ALL exes are reaching out with "good" intent. I think WiseOwlE's story makes that clear. Not all exes are nuts like that, though.
What does your husband think about it?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2016): I personally don't think that your husband should be contacting her at all, she is past and what is there to say however long it's been.
He is married to you now and that's that.
How would he feel if he was in your shoes and your previous boyfriend was contacting you?
Not very nice is it really.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2016): My now-deceased boyfriend/partner had an old girlfriend from back in high school. She couldn't find him on Facebook or My Space; so she used her resources at work. She's a cop. One day my partner and I are driving up to our condo complex, and there's this very attractive woman standing with a suitcase at the gate. We live in a gated-community. We stopped and asked if we could help? My partner froze, he recognized her immediately, and called out her name! She screamed his! I sat there dumb-founded.
Well, we had to be polite and invite her in for a cold beverage. It was a hot day. She was all giddy, and somehow knew that he wasn't married. She had divorced a year before. Now this is all weird and awkward as hell. My partner was an attorney, and we are a couple. I could see he was freaked-out, but trying to appear calm about it all.
She said she went by his old house, and another family lived there. He couldn't find any of his family members, so she tracked him down using police resources. She found out he was an attorney, when checking professional licenses. She got a tip from another former schoolmate, and tracked him down.
By this time, I was starting to feel anger rising, and felt our privacy had been totally violated. Although he kept that cool, calm, and collected exterior of his; I knew he was feeling the same way. So I asked where she was staying; I noticed she had a suitcase with her. She said she came directly to our address from the airport. Awkward!
She explained she had reservations at a local hotel; but she was so excited, she just couldn't wait. Ladies and gentlemen, this woman flew across several states, landed at an airport, and comes directly to some man's house she has not seen in 20 years?!! That's nuts!
My partner had told me about their young love-affair before. It was not his first. She was the little sister of one of his buddies. They were seniors, she was a freshman. They dated and traveled to California one summer to see a concert. She acted as though it was just yesterday. I'm looking at the two of them, and they're chatting about these past events. I was starting to wonder when my partner was going to introduce me, and the fact we had been partners for almost those many years past. I didn't interrupt. I was just wondering what she possibly could be thinking was going on?
Two well-dressed attractive men, together, a lushly decorated condominium, and a cute little pug? It would have smelled gay to me! I can say that, I'm gay!
My boyfriend was too hesitant about shattering his studly image she preserved for all these past years. We're really not the delicate effeminate type of gay men. I'm not a vicious queen who just decided to jump-in and burst her little bubble.
Now think about it. She's a cop. He's never been married; and she finds him with a roommate. We arrived together in one vehicle. Surely she could figure it out? Anyway, he breaks open a bottle of wine. Suggested a place we should go have a bite; and she looked at me and apologized for being so struck, and not acknowledging my presence. So my boyfriend quickly introduced me by name, and called me "his mate and lover!"
Her face turned bright red, I thought she was going to faint! She said she felt like a total fool for imposing on him. I'm thinking to myself: "Girlfriend, you should have felt something was wrong when you went so far tracking someone down, being a cop, and arriving unannounced at his door! Did it never occur to you a hot man like that might have a girlfriend or a boyfriend? This lady is wacko!
I remained very calm through all this. She got even more weird, if that was even possible. She said she needed to call a cab, and get to her hotel. I asked my partner to drive her there. He insisted we all go. She agreed. We dropped her off, he gave her a kiss, and watched her as she walked to the hotel lobby. We never heard from her again.
Hearing from a first-love is sweet and sentimental. Life goes on; but times and people change over the passing years. They are not frozen like your memories of who they were then. Of course we are always basically the same personality; but we have been through a multitude of experiences, challenges, and have overcome many obstacles that have changed and refined us. So expecting feelings to be the same is almost unstable, unrealistic, and a little crazy. It happens in some cases, but rarely. Movies portray such things so often, people believe they really happen.
I wouldn't worry about your husband. She's the one frozen in time, with no one else who has meant so much to her. Remember now, those 30 years have more likely been buried in the past along with other memories and mementos, by your husband. We men don't really get that sentimental. Well, maybe when we're drunk!
Express your discomfort, you have that right as his spouse. He'll definitely have no choice but to take your feelings and his marriage into proper consideration. If he doesn't, there were problems before she ever appeared. She will not look like that girl 30 years ago. Only if you spend that much time still together, do you not notice how much each other have changed.
Relax, have no worries.
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A
female
reader, Eagle'sfan1986 +, writes (21 December 2016):
My real dad's first wife needed help when she landed in jail and her sister track him down by asking my real dad for money to help her sister out. He accepted but he was married to my mom also. If he isn't so sure if he wants to get back into contact with her at all then you have nothing to worried about at all. He probably wants to respect your feelings by not accepting when she email.
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A
female
reader, Nittynora  +, writes (21 December 2016):
 okay this has happened to me. A few years ago my first love in fact we were engaged to be married contacted me. I replied and I wished I had not, it brought back much heartache and memories. We did not see each other because he lived abroad, but we still chatted behind his wife's back which was wrong. I ended up blocking him in the end because like I say it was upsetting. IT BRINGS IT ALL BACK. We were engaged and my mother and his mother split us up, I cried when he contacted me as hard as I cried then!!!Your husband has obviously been honest with you, but what about on her part. Your husband may see it a purely friendship but what about her??????They will discuss the past and they MAY chat in private.I think you are very tolerant to let him do what he wants.She has contacted him and she did not know whether he was married or what and has she had any concern for the disruption it may bring to your lives????? NO, she has not, she has contacted your husband. I don't want to worry you but be on your guard.
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A
male
reader, kkierlan +, writes (21 December 2016):
Hard to say, but do you feel right to prevent it? This topic of first/early loves has intrigued me for several years, since I missed out on that (and that's a huge source of pain for me). There are powerful forces at work...and I don't mean to put your relationship in danger, but just to understand the churning feelings it can arouse.Here's a good article/example on the emotional depth, which lays dormant for decades. Makes me wonder what your husband's "ex" is going through. I empathize with every person and every role in these situations. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/may/18/grief-when-first-love-died
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male
reader, N91 +, writes (21 December 2016):
 In what context is she contacting him?
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female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (21 December 2016):
 Let sleeping dogs lie IMHO. There are plenty of people to be aquainted
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (21 December 2016):
 I think it is rather sweet. It has been thirty years. I think you should meet her with your partner. As long as there is nothing under the counter there is no harm - that is if you are confident your relationship is strong.
When he see her carrying an extra thirty years it might remove any rose tinted specs he might be wearing.
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