A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've never been to a long term relationship like the one i'm having right now. I was always insecure that the guys are cheaters and they will hurt me, so casual sex was pretty much what i was doing. When i men the guy i'm seeing right now i felt very secure with him and i gave it a chance. He told me he's still in contact with his ex but they only talk once in a while to see if everything's ok because they were dating for 4 years before me. When i met him he has broken up with her about a year ago and also told me that it was a long distant relationship where there was no passion no sex but just they cared about each other. One day after one month we were dating she called him at 2' o'clock in the morning and he told her "this isn't the right time we'll talk another time". We had a huge fight after that and i asked him how come she calls that late and stuff like that. He told me he didn't know and after a long talk i believed him. We are now dating 8 months and we are good, he met my parents and i met his parents and they loved me. It was the first time he met his girlfriend to his parents. Recently someone called him around 2 in the morning with no number and hang up on him when he picked up. I was furious thinking it was her. After a few days i asked him if it happened again and he said no. The day before he was tired and he was sleeping but i wasn't and i searched his phone and found 2 no number calls and after that i searched his contacts but he has erased her number. After that i searched his inbox. I found text messages from his friends and mine and the last message on the catalogue was hers saying "i'm sorry why did you hang up like that? even if you were with your gf you could have said it to me. i was just calling because i wasn't feeling very good:(" and then there were 5 calls from her and another message saying "what happent to you? pick it up i wanna talk to you" but no responce from him.I didn't tell him what i found on his cell because he would get mad that i searched his cell and i would too if he told me he searched mine. My question is why the heck he's lying to me that she didn't call or texted him that night after he hang up on her ? And why he didn't tell me about the other two no number calls? I'm thinking two things, it's either he doesn't want to get me mad like i was when she called him and i was there because it's something meaningless or he's hiding something. Either ways it's lying and i don't want just to break up when i tell him i searched his cell because we have something really special and we love each other very much.Should i wait untill something else happens and then say whatever i have found out?
View related questions:
his ex, insecure, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, girlwhoneedshelp  +, writes (19 September 2011):
 I've been through this exact thing. My boyfriend was with his ex for 5 years. He's from the Czech Republic and he moved to Aberdeen (where he met me) in their first year of being together. I met him at my work over 2 years ago where I knew he had this girlfriend. I heard from his friends and co workers that their relationship isnt very good and they are both very unhappy. I stayed out of it because I didn't want to bust up a relationship, even if it was unhappy. Last year he found out that I had feelings for him and he decided to do something about it because he really liked me too and was very unhappy in his current relationship. He broke up with his girlfriend but was still living with her and her sister. He started seeing me and we completely fell in love. A few months in we moved in together and have been together over a year now and are wanting to get married. During the last year I have had all sorts to put up with. For the first few months his ex was texting him nearly everyday. Just general chit chat. They have a dog together so this was a major factor in their conversations. She was always at the top of his text messaging list and would phone him even when I was here to speak to him about it which would drive me insane. He told me that his texts were just about the dog and nothing else. The texts were in Czech and I don't speak or read it so one night I had my Polish friend over who can read it and we read his phone. I know this was wrong but I was more than convinced he was lying to me. We found out from his phone that he had been dropping off shopping at her house when she had sent him lists of things to get. He still had a key to their old home because he was taking the dog for walks when she was away. This used to drive me insane and one night after a few drinks I just exploded. I told him everything I knew and that it was not acceptable. I was in tears and didn't know what to do. He said he was sorry, also in tears, and said that he wasn't speaking to her about anything he shouldn't (and my friend had backed that up). He said he just text her back when she was having problems because he felt bad for her and he's been with her for 5 years so not speaking to her anymore felt a little strange to him. After that the texting slowed down, we even had the dog stay with us. But very soon after that she started to get very nasty and was demanding we take the dog whenever she couldn't be bothered and would scream at him down the phone saying that he didn't care about the dog anymore and that he shouldn't bother visiting. I told him I totally agree with her because this dog was massive and we live in a very small flat and it upset me when he was here. I told him I was fed up of him having a key to that house because he had lied to me in the past and I didn't know whether to believe if he was visiting there without my knowledge or not.
Right now we are very happy. He visits the dog about once a month and takes him for walks and he has given the key back. There is still the little niggling in the back of my head but there aren't any texts on his phone anymore and he hasn't received any phone calls whilst I've been here. Whether or not that means shes phoning when I'm not here and hes deleting the calls and same with the texts I don't know but I have to trust him and believe that. He wasn't doing anything wrong. He's just a very nice guy who felt bad for someone he had been with for so long. I had all sorts of complexes like her being Czech and that being his first language and home. He struggles sometimes in English to talk to me about things because he can't find the right words and the number of times I've thought "Why don't you just find a Czech girl and speak to her properly" is countless. I am a very insecure person so dealing with all these little things was very difficult and every now and then I get a little niggle in the back of my mind that sometimes even makes me feel a little sick but I have to remember that he loves me, that he doesn't have that key anymore and I have to trust the fact he's not talking to her anymore.
My main point in all of this is you have to trust your man. There is a reason it didn't work out with his ex and why he's with you now. You need to tell him exactly how you feel and that you two speaking so often is really upsetting you. To be completely honest there is absolutely no reason for them to be speaking at all if you aren't happy with it. They don't have any children or pets together right? So why stay in contact? If he can't give you a good enough reason to stay in contact with her, other than they were together for 4 years then you need to decide whether or not you can deal with that. His ex needs to understand that she can't call him in the middle of the night or text him whenever she fancies. He's with you for gods sake. She needs to move on and get herself another man to tell her worries to. Hope my little story helped.
A
female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (19 September 2011):
 Hi,I am sorry that you are going through this nonsense. I am happy that you found a nice guy, that truly loves you, and care about you. So far, things seems to be going well, for the fact that both parents were introduce to each other. That shows he's really serious about you. Well, the discoveries that you made is just unbelievable. I know what you did was wrong, but at this point you were just trying to protect yourself. After that night, he said she didn't contact him at all, but clearly she has many times, including texting him. I wouldn't get mad at him, I don't think he had any bad intensions, or disrespecting you. I think he lied to you to protect you, because he didn't want to upset you, and make you concern. As you saw in the phone records, he didn't replied, nor answer the calls. That's a good sign, means he's trying to take care of this without involving you. I truly believe that he really loves you, so you don't have to worry about that. Whatever reasons they ended the relationship, it's clear that his ex is not totally over him. After so many years, his ex thinks about him everyday, seeing the number of times she calls, and text him. I understand that they had a past, but she needs to understand that its over, now he's in a serious relationship, and she cannot be contacting him freely as she pleases. What I don't like about his ex, is the fact that she knows about you, but still calls or text him. To me, that's very disrespectful of her. She's selfish, and she should learn some basic manners. Bottom line is, her behavior is not acceptable, and unnappropriated. Calling 2 am? ... Really? If she's not dying, she shouldn't be calling you boyfriend at all. If shes not feeling good, that's her problem. She should leave you, and your boyfriend aloneWhen you feel it's a good time, have a talk with him. It's important to be calm, don't accuse him of anything, because it's not his fault. Tell him the truth, that you did look his phone, apologie, tell him you know what you did was wrong, but you had no choice, because you had to know the truth. Explain that you do not feel comfortable having his ex calling, and texting him so frequently. Tell him that you would appreciate if he do nit talk to her anymore. That you understand that they have history, but now he's with you. Tell him that you hate to wonder, what if? Did she? Constantly in your head. That you just to be happy together and not worry anymore. I hope your boyfriend understand you, and wish you the bestGood luck
...............................
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (19 September 2011):
 For the exact reason that you would get mad. You've seen for yourself that he is ignoring the calls and texts - seems to me like he's not very interested in contacting her, he doesn't even have her number anymore! Bare that in mind...
...............................
A
female
reader, KittieS +, writes (19 September 2011):
 I think in his way he is trying to protect your feelings, but also hoping this girl just gets the message (without actually telling her) that he doesn't want to hear from her anymore.I would suggest try not to worry, he's deleted her number, he's not responding to her emails, he's ignoring "no number calls" I'm guessing because he expects it to be her.She sounds like a loose cannon who is trying to get him back, actually hounding him like she is, has only caused him to want her out of his life!Explain to him that it upsets you, please try not to look at his phone or emails because that's not good for your relationship - hopefully a talk (pick a moment where he is not tired or grumpy) sharing your feelings will help him to reasure you more that your the only girl for him! If this is your first long term relationship hopefully he will also understand you find it hard to trust 100% (assure him that's not because you don't trust him, but that you have been hurt in the past and this is bringing up old emotions etc)I think it sounds like he is trying to deal with his ex in the way he thinks best, but actually maybe he should contact her and say "please stop calling, emailing me I'm moving on with my life" I had to do something similar with my ex of 14 years, as he has left belongings in my home and keeps using this as an excuse to get in touch!Talk to him, your be surprised - men who care about the women they are with will do anything they can to make you happy and reassure you it's ok :)
...............................
|
