A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 4 months. I have dated a lot of guys but never felt so in love until my current boyfriend. I have never thought about a future with any guy until my current boyfriend. I am attracted to him in every way. He has such a beautiful personality to me; he is so sweet and goofy, I can never stay mad at him. If I'm mad at him or unhappy with something in our relationship, he is so kind and doesn't get defensive with me, he just listens to me and then he fixes it. I love how patient he is with me. I don't ever want to lose him, it would really hurt.I have trust issues with my boyfriend. I'm not really sure why, because I've never really felt paranoid with any other guy and he hasn't done anything to lose my trust. He is always talking about how he believes in respecting women, and he seems disgusted when we talk about someone in our group of friends that cheated on their boyfriend or girlfriend. I am not proud of this but a couple months ago, my boyfriend asked me to hold onto his phone for a moment while he helped someone with something. I unlocked his phone (he told me the password) and looked through his texts. There was only one thing that caught my eye; a thread with a girl who was sending my boyfriend pictures of herself (not nudes, just pics of her face). He didn't say anything about the pics in the convo but he said "I can't date you" and she said "aww why not?" and he said "I'm taken" and she said "aww well maybe in the future?" and he said "No, I love my girlfriend, she's just like me, and I think we will last for a long time". I felt guilty for snooping after I read all that, so I never looked through his phone again. So as you can see, he hasn't given me any reason to be suspicious, so I feel dumb for feeling paranoid all the time. I was in a sexually and emotionally abusive relationship a couple of years ago and was also cheated on twice in that same relationship, so that probably has something to do with my trust issues. I told my boyfriend about this abusive relationship and he was very angry about it (angry at my ex, not me) and told me that he wanted to beat my ex up for what he did to me (I don't believe in violence and don't want my boyfriend to get into a fight so I didn't tell my him my ex's name). But my boyfriend has a very pretty female friend who he calls his best friend. They live in the same neighborhood so they hang out often (well, not alone together, but in a small group of friends). Even though their relationship does not seem flirtatious, he even put his arm around me while talking to her, she has a boyfriend, and they don't text or call eachother or anything like that,it makes me insanely jealous because I wish he would call ME his best friend and I feel jealous when he spends time with her and not me. I am so scared that he likes her or will eventually start liking her. I asked my boyfriend's close friend who also hangs out with my boyfriend and this girl often if my boyfriend is attracted to her at all. My friend said no, and I asked if he was positive and he said he was positive. He even said that this particular girl and a few other girls were playing Twister and they asked my boyfriend to play with them, and he refused to because he felt like it was wrong. Still, I can't shake the paranoia that he likes her or will end up liking her, but at the same time I feel guilty for feeling suspicious since he has never done anything wrong. So, my questions for you are: Should I be worried at all about this girl or is it all in my head? Should I talk to him about the girl? And how can I be more trusting in my relationship?Thank you very much, everyone.
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best friend, emotionally abusive, flirt, has a boyfriend, jealous, my ex, she has a boyfriend, text, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2013): Not you said on your original post that you saw these photos and messages when you went snooping on his phone, therefore he DID keep them, as you saw them.
My point is, if he wasn't that interested in her, then he would of deleted everything to do with her straight away,leaving no trace....yet YOU saw them. So yeah, he fid keep them unnecessarily on his phone....the question is WHY?
Like I said, worry about her, not your boyfriends female friend.
He should NOT of kept theses texts if there was no interest. He is keeping his options open.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2013): OP here, and no he did not save or keep the photos or even reply to her regarding the photos lol.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (19 September 2013):
 It's quite interesting... you seem to be asking a question; "Am I paranoid?" Well, the evidence is; you've been hurt before and this guy seems to be following in the same direction(except for the abusive part) so it's a hard spot for you to be in. Why not just find a new guy? I don't see where you're completly in love with him so why not move on?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2013): I personally dint think you have anything to worry about when it cones to your boyfriend's female friend.
However, what is setting off alarm cells for me is the fact you boyfriend has kept photos on his phone of ANOTHER girl who obviously has feelings for him. The question you should be asking is, why has my boyfriend kept these photos of another girl on his phone?
You are right, you shouldn't of snooped, but you did, and you found photos of another girl who clearly likes your boyfriend, and HE has KEPT the photos.
Why would he keep the photos if he has no interest in her. Looks like he us keeping his options open to me.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (19 September 2013):
 Whoa!!! This guy has done a wonderful job of convincing you that he finds cheating to be offensive... whilest, at the same time, he is partaking of it, himself.....
Take a couple more weeks, and see if you don't/haven't learned a lot more about this guy... as you find that he is bedding this "other" girl.... and you are stuck, on the outside, looking in.... whilest he and she are "getting to it".......
Don't be bamboozled..... it makes you look naive....
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (19 September 2013):
It sounds to me that your problems stem from the abuse and cheating you suffered, your insecurity and the fact that you seem to have found a great guy.
You've been hurt before so your instinct tells you it'll happen again, and on top of that you'd be especially broken hearted because of how much you like your bf.
It all sounds perfectly reasonable to me. But, you obviously have no reason to blame your boyfriend. You scooped and found pretty good proof that he isn't interested in other women because he has you. So remind yourself of that any time you feel these negative feelings coming on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 September 2013):
 No, I wouldn't worry about this friend.
Two things, you CAN NOT CONTROL your BF's feelings. They might change for her they might not. But you being insecure and worrying about it not helping YOU at all.
My guess is, he has known her a LOT longer then he has known you and THAT is why she has the "title" best friend. Just because you date someone doesn't mean you instantly EARN the "title" best friend. You earn the "title" Girl friend". Over time if you two work out long term you might become his BEST friend. I know my husband is not my best friend, but that didn't happen overnight. And we have been together for 17 years.
You need to try and curb your imagination when it comes to your BF and his friends. You already said that he is a really good guy, so STOP expecting him to turn into your ex or some cheating man-whore.
Have a little trust in him and a little more faith in your relationship.
And STOP "interrogating" his friends about this or any other girl. Don't you know that gets back to him at some point? And guess what? You will look like you have no trust in him, that you are a little crazy and overbearing.
FOCUS on what you have with your BF and how to build a LASTING and HEALTHY relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2013): If you keep creating all these things in your head, it's not your boyfriend you should be worried about, it's you. You are going to slowly sabotage this relationship.It's been four months, not four years. You need to relax, embrace his BFF and get to know her better instead of being jealous of her. They have a long history in their circle and you are getting to know him better as each day goes by. Nobody has done anything to cause alarm or harm thus far, except YOU. Don't make your boyfriend pay the price for your past relationship/s issues.
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