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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: About a year ago my husband confessed he cheated on me while I was pregnant with our now four year old. I was so hurt by the betrayal. Anyway we ended up separating and our marriage was over. I ran into a friend of a friend who I was always VERY attracted to and we started dating. He is a very good man. Charming and honest and a strong marine. I was very open and honest about everything. My then husband and the guy I was dating both knew about eachother and everything. A counselor advised me to have closer with my husband, and a religious leader told me I would not be able to move on with a clean conscious or have a real future with my new bou without at least trying to work thing out with my husband. I reluctantly took there advise (mostly for my daughters sake). My husband has been working hey hard to make it up to m and to be a good man. In the last nine months he has showed me more love, affection, and repect than he ever has. But I find myself really having a pit in my stomach from missing the man I was dating. I miss him so much. And sometimes I lay in bed with my husband and I wish I was next to him. I feel horribly guilty. And I still am hurt from my husbands betrayal. And I don't feel the same about him after that. I don't have the same amount of respect or trust. I don't think he would cheat again but I don't feel like I want to open up to him. Should I continue to try to work on my marriage? Has 9 months been long enough to call it quits? And if it has been long enough what can I do about the man I was seeing who im no longer in contact with. I imagine he is hurt by the situation.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010): "I still am hurt from my husbands betrayal. And I don't feel the same about him after that. I don't have the same amount of respect or trust. I don't think he would cheat again but I don't feel like I want to open up to him. Should I continue to try to work on my marriage?"Girl, you can NOT work on your marriage any more. It sounds like you are done. Working on your marriage is a torture and it is no surprise. It is basically saying you have to some how have this goal of "opening yourself" up to someone that you do not feel trust or respect for. He may now be doing the right things, but you can't force feelings that don't exist anymore (trust and respect). No this will not work, don't put yourself through this anymore. The fact that you are asking is 9 months enough time? That shows how miserable you are in trying to work it out and no one can fault you for it. stop forcing yourself into a position that makes you feel unsafe.I am appalled that anyone would pressure you to "work it out" with your husband after what he's done to you. That is a slap in the face. I am appalled they would tell you that you supposedly can't have a good relationship in the future unless you first try to "work it out" with your husband. Have they no consideration for you as a person??just let it go and be free of this jerk.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010): Don't listen to your religious leaders if they do not have your mental welfare at heart and their agenda is only that you follow their doctrine and rules. You know there are many religious leaders who believe you can pray your way out of clinical depression or other mental illnesses, that there is no need for medication or therapy it's not cos you have chemical or hormonal imbalances or a tumor growing on your brain it's cos you don't have enough 'faith'. do you know how many lives are being ruined by this. don't let them ruin yours.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010): see this is why I really have a problem with religious leaders giving every day people like us advice on marital problems. They are not trained psychologists or therapists. I can't believe that your husband cheated on you, while you were pregnant with your kid, and yet you were told you "have" to work it out with him? And that you now feel guilty for not loving your husband? No, this is all backward.
Since your husband broke the marriage vows, you have every right - even a religious-based one - to divorce him.
Sure your husband may have been doing all the right things in the last 9 months. But realize that psychologically, the trust has already been broken. The marriage has already been broken, he broke it when he committed adultery. No one can/should fault you for being unable to "get over it." You have every right to not get over it. A man who cheats is a scum. A man who cheats on his pregnant wife is even worse.
You are already a saint for having even agreed to try to work it out with him. Most women would have divorced him immediately. Don't let yourself feel guilty.
Psychologically it is not surprising at all that you feel zero love and trust towards him and that you don't want to open up to him. No one should fault you for that. Don't let anyone dictate to you how you "should" be feeling. Please do not feel guilty that you feel nothing for him anymore.
Move on with your life with a clean conscience, whether it is with the other man or someone new.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): Your husband cheated on you, but you have to try to make it work? No I don't think so. Your husband broke that bond of trust. You are entitled to follow your heart here I think. Is your other man still available though? His life may have moved on. Think hard about it and make your decision, especially as you have a child to consider.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): If the feelings you once had for him are not there anymore stop trying to change it because its not going to happen. Don't listen to what other people say go with your heart if you don't have feelings anymore move on find what makes you happy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): You deserve better than your ex husband who is the reason your marriage broke up.
Go with the new guy!!
Good luck xx
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A
female
reader, loveistheanswer  +, writes (10 December 2010):
 My god I can't believe you're the one being made to feel guilty for the way you feel in this situation... don't let anyone convince you that you should try to work it out with your husband, I would never let anyone convince me of that if my husband cheated on me... stop feeling bad about yourself, break up with your loser husband once and for all and go be with the one that makes you feel happy, you deserve happiness, not a loser husband who cheats on you!
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