Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, crying123  +, writes (14 April 2013):
crying123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am so hurt and confused guys. He calls and calls and text and text. Is sending pictures of himself. I answered a call and he now says he wants me to join him there. Just uproot and move there. What in the world is going on?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 April 2013):
 I have to agree with SVC, you can compete (nor should yo u really HAVE to).
I would just cut the contact with him and move on.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 April 2013):
 Ok so you answered the easy question and avoided all the painful stuff.
I would NOT marry this man at this time unless you want to always be the least important thing on his plate. the fact that he was there so long, came home and magically she got suspended because he went back to his "real life" with another woman and the ONLY way to fix this was to go back to her is very telling to me. And should be very disconcerting for you.
clearly he's totally whipped by this baby momma. she says 'jump' he says 'how high?' This is not good.
I do not think that you can currently compete with this child and her manipulative mother.
I'd walk away and go no contact with him if you have any hopes of making this work. I can promise you if you stay with him the way things are now you will grow more angry and resentful of this child. (I would)
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female
reader, crying123 +, writes (12 April 2013):
crying123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes the dna test was 99.9 she is his.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 April 2013):
The daughter got suspended because he left... or so momma says. personally I find that to be a bit convenient and also a lousy excuse to get him back there.
I do not think he needed to return. that just feeds the whole dysfunctional relationship.
I agree is he 100% sure this child is his biological child?
In addition, I am telling you based on what you have posted, that if you marry him, you marry the ex and the child now too and clearly they are his first priority and out of guilt he will toss you to the curb if the child or the "ex" said so.
Personally I would at the very least, postpone the wedding... if no plans have been started for the event, do not start them. If deposits have been made, cancel the reservations and get your money back...
In fact, if you want to know where you really stand with this guy I would say to him "hey I understand that you are totally tied up with your child and her mom, when it's all settled and done and you can return to life with me let me know." then walk away totally. Do not call him. do not email him. Do not text him.
Let me know how long it takes him to get back to you after that....
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 April 2013):
You know that if you DO end up marrying this guy, his daughter and ex wife will become a permanent fixture in your life, right?It sounds like the daughter and ex are emotionally black mailing him though. I mean what did they do BEFORE he showed p and the daughter got in trouble? I mean he didn't KNOW she existed til this year, correct? So did he do a DNA test? Does he know for sure she IS his? And maybe, HE thinks he HAS to make up for lost time.It sounds like you are becoming less of a priority to him honestly, and I would wonder about that. With that said I DO think children should be the parents FIRST priority but with reason and respect for ones partner (if the partner is not the mother).I think there is more going on then what he is letting on.
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A
female
reader, crying123 +, writes (11 April 2013):
crying123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey didn't have to drive to pick him up he came back last Thursday and left again on Tuesday. His baby mama sent a ticket for him saying daughter got suspended from school for fighting because he left her. We are supposed to get married I am boiling mad. What should I do this time?
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female
reader, crying123 +, writes (17 March 2013):
crying123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEventually that is what I am going to do is drive down and pick him up because I have been convinced nothing is going on. They were never in a real relationship just one of those unfortunate times that a child was created. He nor I is ready to move on. So my ring is back on and I will just look forward to our wedding day on May 12th. So fortunate not to have to cancel all those wedding plans.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2013): You should drive out there and get him and see for yourself if he is telling the truth or not. So far I don't see hard evidence that he is cheating yet you seem determined to believe he is. He seems like a timid person or doormat. That's all.
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A
female
reader, crying123 +, writes (16 March 2013):
crying123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGood advise but no money for a cab.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 March 2013):
Ya know if he had a flight and she refused to drive him, he could have called a cab or car service. he probably still can do that and go to the airport and they probably will help him get a flight with the unused ticket. I've missed flights before and was put on the next available flight...
I'm problem solving here because I want you to see that we make our own decisions and problems. Her refusing to drive him to the airport and him refusing to do anything about it, (call a cab or even the police if he's afraid of her) tells me he's not doing EVERYTHING in his power to get back to you.
As for his stuff, box it and ship it to him there as I"m betting that's where he's going to be staying.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 March 2013):
crying123 is verified as being by the original poster of the question
One more thing guys what should I do with all of his stuff he is begging me to keep it and just wait patiently until he comes home. He only packed for a week everything is here.
If you have decided to end the relationship I would box all his stuff up and let him know that when he gets back to your state to give you a call and you can put it outside the house, I would also suggest you get your locks changed if it's YOUR house/apartment.
His excuse that you two will get into a fight if you pick him up sounds ridiculous. If that was the only worry he could just have you pick him up away from her house, couldn't he?
Still, doesn't mean he is cheating with her, just means that he is lying a lot.
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A
female
reader, crying123 +, writes (16 March 2013):
crying123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOne more thing guys what should I do with all of his stuff he is begging me to keep it and just wait patiently until he comes home. He only packed for a week everything is here.
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female
reader, crying123 +, writes (16 March 2013):
crying123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your help guys. This guy just wants me to wait for him forever. So he can have his cake and eat it too. He doesn't want my help to get home as I told him I would drive and pick him up. He said no, thinks me and baby mama might get into a fight. I have never been a violent person. we were just both on facebook I said what are you doing up so late, he said missing you, but obviously not enough. I am going to move on she can have at it. I thought it was worth fighting for but I can see clearly now my emotional health is not worth it. I will not be getting into another relationship for awhile as this was a rebound after a 19 year marriage, 5 years together for a rebound is pretty good I think. I will just cut my losses and hope I can stop thinking of him every waking hour.
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female
reader, crying123 +, writes (16 March 2013):
crying123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe was on leave from his job and now will lose that. He tried to change the date an additional $275 if he does. He said he is almost out of money and can't pay that. She is on section 8 and I can't see how she can afford to throw money away like that she paid for the ticket. Oh well I am an emotional wreck
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female
reader, crying123 +, writes (16 March 2013):
crying123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes all of you are probably right but here I am once again can't sleep we are not rich by any means he had a flight scheduled to leave today and she refused to drive him to the airport, so there goes a non-refundable ticket down the drain. So are my suspicions right or wrong. Who would do something like that otherwise.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2013): What evidence do you have that he has been intimate with the baby mama? Think seriously before you decide to break up with him just because he found out he has a daughter and wanted to male up for lost time with his own kid.
I mean you can break up for any reason or none at all. If you have a hunch he is sleeping with the mother of his kid but have no evidence yet cannot shake the feeling. Well you may be totally wrong about him and her but if you can't change your feeling then it is cause for a break up as continuing the relationship will just be torture for you from now on. Sadly your relationship may be broken because a situation arose that caused you to not trust him regardless of whether he is at fault or not but once trust is broken the relationship from here on out will suck.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 March 2013):
I can see him wanting to spend time with his child and get to know her and make up for lost time
but I still am not comfortable with him going for a month and staying with her and her mother in their home...
staying with friends and seeing her on a regular basis is one thing
but playing "happy family" for a month... leaves a sour taste in my mouth.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2013): why would the baby mama be jealous of you if up til now she has never shown any interest in him?she's been raising the daughter on her own for 14 years, then finally since the daughter wants to know who the father is, she has the DNA test done, and finds out your boyfriend is the father. So you think NOW all of a sudden she has the hots for him, just like that? I hardly think so. So she suggested he stay a month - it's probably because the daughter wants to have more time with her dad. I mean, the daughter is the one who wanted to find out who her father is so it's very possible that they are telling the truth that it IS for the sake of the daughter. And maybe he actually wants to spend time with his daughter now that he knows she is his kid. Baby mama may even consider your bf's presence in her house to be an unwelcome imposition and can't wait for him to leave.And just because she has no interest in talking to you doesn't mean she is jealous of you and wants him. Probably she wants nothing to do with him and couldn't care less if he's single or married or whatever. Or maybe she figures that since he isn't married then her daughter does not have a step-mother to deal with so all the more reason that she doesn't need to bother about you. I mean, for the 5 years you've been with him, she hasn't been around. She only made him take the DNA test because the daughter wanted it.Unless you already didn't trust him to begin with due to his past actions, I think you're just being insecure here. Maybe deep down you feel that having a child with someone sort of cements a relationship so the baby mama is one-up on you in that category. But this isn't so.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 March 2013):
 Seen that this is the first time he has seen her in 14 years, yes it would make sense it is for the child's sake, if he wants to know her and attempt to establish a father/daughter relationship, a month is really not such a long time !
So the " excuse " is excellent, it all depends if you trust him or not, and WHY would you not trust him. Did he give you reason to doubt him and to " act crazy " in the past ?
I mean, even if this woman had actually decided to have him stay there with the excuse of the daughter, but in order instead to hit on him, ( which is all to be seen ) ...he can say no. He can say forget about it, hands off, I am with X now. What makes you think he would have accepted ( or provoked ? ) her advances ?
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female
reader, crying123 +, writes (13 March 2013):
crying123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, we live in one state and she lives far away in another state. It was baby mamas idea that he stay so long. She is now wondering why I have been acting so crazy. They say it is all for the child's sake.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 March 2013):
People can live without sex
IF she is trying to get with him, then it's on him to put her in her place.
If he had sex with her, then he was wrong and you have to make a choice
Personally I cannot understand why he's stayed a month with her... does the child live in a different country?
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female
reader, crying123 +, writes (12 March 2013):
crying123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all for your advise I will just wait and see how things go this Friday when he returns.
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female
reader, crying123 +, writes (11 March 2013):
crying123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes this is the first time in our 5 years he's seen her. He just found out she was his. After 14 years the mother finally had him take a dna test because the girl wanted to know who her father is. I don't believe her mother was 100% sure who the father was. He is not staying in a motel he is staying with them. She gets jealous when we talk on the phone, she has never made an effort to talk to me introduce herself or nothing. I might someday be a part of her daughters life but nothing. I know my man I don't think he has ever been a month without sex. And she has been putting it in his head that I am probably cheating on him so. What to think or do.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 March 2013):
Is this the first time in 5 years he has spend time with his daughter like this?
If so, I think you need to chill a little.
However if he is staying WITH the mom/daughter and not in a motel, I would find it a little odd for him to stay so long.
THOUGH that doesn't mean he is being intimate with the mom. Just because SHE might want a relationship doesn't mean your BF want to.
Why do you think they are being intimate?
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