A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 6 years and i am 36 years, and we have two children together with my husband. My husband has a child from a previous marriage that i take care of. My husband is 45 and has fairly paying job. We live in a house that is shared by family and the sister of my husband because it was passed to them by the late mother.The challenge is that my sister inlaw (48yrs) who stays in the quarters is making our lives unbearable, she doesn't want to pay any bill, she has a daughter, a nanny and boyfriend. The daughter and nanny are fed by us.While we toil for the family , i have reached a point of giving up the marriage, my sister in law doesnt contribute to any bill, but expects that my husband should take care of her because she is family. She is also not appreciative She has never worked a day in her life, irrespective of the fact that she is a lawyer. Her father provides for her all her needs.I have sat down and talked to my husband, but he doesn't not say anything. He is not the type that confronts anyone, he keeps hoping that my frustration will go away. I work hard but i feel like all my hard work goes to helping our extended family ...At anyone point she keeps reminding me how the house is hers and my husband. I feel frustrated that my husband cant even try and make a home that is ours only. Should i walk away from the marriage and make some saving and build my own home for my children? Or stay in that unhealthy relationship until i finish constructing our own home: A process that can take like 3 years .
View related questions:
sister in law Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2021): Your husband thinks he has the ideal situation. He can live rent-free and mortgage-free. Seriously, who wouldn't want that? He was married before; and obviously, the marriage failed. Could it be because he's the type who feels a wife has no say, and doesn't get to share in decision-making? What you want or think, goes in one ear and out the other?
This is the typical scenario of wives moving-in with their husband's families. His family circles the wagons, put-up walls, and become a family-clique. You'll become a house-guest, a captive, and mostly feel like an outsider. They will go about life as if nothing else matters; but what suits their family. I would even suspect you're both of different cultures or nationalities. It's that, or you are of the same culture; and it's traditional to live with his family. Most people with kids already, don't want to share one house with their parents, siblings, and grandparents. They venture out to find their own homestead; to raise a family free of their in-laws, and to avoid family-meddling in their business. When your husband refuses, you've got a big problem.
Do you want to leave him strictly because of his family, or is the problem your marriage as a whole? Just walking-away may not solve all your problems. You still share two kids together. His family is also their family. If you legally separate, his sister is a lawyer with time on her hands. I am almost certain she will meddle as much as she can, in the name of family-solidarity. Keep your cards close to your chest! Don't discuss your problems with her.
From your description, I would gather that your husband is the passive lazy-minded type; who gives the reins over to his family to make all the big decisions. You're probably always outvoted, and your opinions are nullified. Even when those decisions affect you and your kids. He probably doesn't perceive you as an equal, or a partner. Just the egg-donor and incubator to produce his children; and to prove to his family, and anyone who wants to know, that he's unquestionably heterosexual. From what you indicate in your post, your participation in family matters goes very little beyond that purpose. You live in "their" house; and you follow "their" rules. Conform, or see your way out! It's a way of making you feel isolated and powerless. Not because he's so submissive, and avoids conflict; but because it is so exceedingly convenient that he doesn't have to listen to you. As convenient as living rent-free. Besides, he can't move without their permission.
You need to corner him and have a serious talk about getting your own home. Maybe you haven't clearly (or assertively) conveyed to him how unhappy and frustrated you are in this crowded environment. Children need room to grow, and their own bedrooms. You need space to breathe, and your privacy. The pride of homeownership, without unnecessary family-interference. Maybe he's hoping, and biding his time; waiting for his sister to marry, or find herself a man to move-out.
You need to plead a strong case; and make sure to capture his full attention. He's used to ignoring you. Your concerns are null and void. He enjoys the lack of pressure and financial-responsibility of living there; maybe it's because he isn't particularly ambitious. Maybe he hasn't taken you seriously; because you beat around the bush, or you've used a timid mealy-mouthed approach. It's time to put your foot down; perhaps even offer him an ultimatum. No ultimatums, until you've consulted with a lawyer; and know what your rights are. Making idle-threats places people on the defensive; and they'll be prepared to dodge or deflect any moves you finally make. Only because you gave them a heads-up warning to load their weapons; when you really had no intention of following-through with your threats. If you threaten to leave him, be ready and prepared to do it. Expect to be challenged because he has free legal-advice. His first-wife left him; so you know it's not impossible to do. Neither is being a single-mother providing for her kids. Plot your exit-strategy carefully; so you won't end-up homeless, or fighting for the custody of your children.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2021): First you need to get your husband on board with the dream of you living alone as a family unit. Once he is supportive then he needs to tell his sister that you are moving out and that she is welcome to buy his share of the property, or that you will sell the property and give her her share of it.
Be firm with your husband that you dont want to live like this any more and that he has a choice - he can choose to keep the property or keep you!
If that fails, then start saving up yourself and let him know that once you reach X amount, you will be moving out. That he can come with you, or not, it's up to him.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (28 September 2021):
 I don't think that you should feel that you are being pushed out of your own home.
I know that you have sat down and spoke to your husband, but maybe you have got to be a little sterner with him and make him realise the implications that this situation is having on your marriage, and the turmoil that you are going through.
She is a laywer, a job roll that she would have studied many years for, and sitting many long hard exams which takes dedication. Did she study all this time, become a lawyer, then just decide to be a free loader.
She could get up and find a job tomorrow if she so desired, but she chooses not to.
You and your husband need to come together, and tell her that she can't stay there and not contribute to anything.
You mention that her father provides for all her needs, is that by way of giving her money, and things she needs. If that is the case she can help out out.
Some has got to be done as this is affecting your marriage. Don't let the sister drive you out, its your house.
...............................
|
