A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 2 years and I broke up a few days ago. It is the final in a series of dragged out "breaks" and "space periods", all initiated by him. Almost every time he does it [routinely every 6 months or so, but more frequently lately], he says he needs space or wants to break up and I don't hear from him for a week, and then he comes and asks for me back because he misses me. [I think he has commitment issues but that's not the issue at hand here]. I know for a fact that he doesn't get with any other people on these breaks.The most recent one started with an argument we had while he was at my place about me not trusting him, which was fair enough because a few weeks earlier he had lied about something and continued to deny it even after I asked him -- it wasn't a big deal and he only did it to stop be from being upset, but the fact that he lied about it and continued to deny it to my face made me furious. Anyway, we had been getting on great, talking and joking and getting a bit frisky, feeling each other up for a while, and then the argument happened. After the argument he said he needed to clear his head and he left, saying he would txt me in a few hours. I didn't hear from him for 2 days, he would not respond to any of my txts and would hang up if I got him on the phone. Finally, I decided to go round to his house. I arrived unexpectedly, which is normally no big deal, as we always drop by and see each other with little or no notice. When I arrived he said that I was a crazy stalker for coming over and that he didn't love me anymore. He went on to say that it was obviously over, so what the hell was I doing visiting him -- I didn't belong. He asked me to leave and I broke down in tears begging him to forgive me for whatever I had done or give me another chance. He then said that it wasn't anything I'd done, that we were just wrong for each other, and didn't trust each other, and the relationship came with too much baggage -- it was true that we have some quite negative history in our relationship, but we had always gotten through it before. He kept telling me to fuck off and leave, and I could not believe it, as he had never sworn at me like that before, I couldn't believe how cruel he was being. I left in tears.The next day I saw him again. We had a mutual friends bus trip party which we had both promised to attend so we both went, although we did not speak or acknowledge each other all evening. When we got to the clubs, he grabbed my ass as he walked past and I would catch him looking at me quite a few times. I was so confused, as they day before he was telling me to fuck off.The few days later I received a message from his best friend, who had always been quite a good friend of mine. He said that my ex was being intentionally mean so that I would stop loving him and move on for my own good, because I will be happier without him. I then received a message from another friend who said that my ex had txt him and told him that we had broken up, and to please talk to me and make sure I was okay. I then also found out that he had been telling all our friends on the bus trip that I had dumped him!I was and am so confused and furious. I don't know if he is actually just being a jerk to make me move on, or if the baggage in our relationship has caught up to us and he just wants out, and is playing the "good boyfriend" card to make himself look better. He still will not return my calls or messages so I cannot discuss it with him [although I have been making a conscious effort to not contact him].After the bus trip, when I was still fuming, I bumped into a male acquaintance and we somehow ended up hooking up [just kissing], and we really hit it off. At the time I didn't care, as I was newly single and on the rebound, and absolutely furious at my ex. I was happy all the next day because I had got on so well with this new guy, but now because I've found out that my ex might have just been pretending to be horrible and actually still caring about me, I can't help but feel like I've cheated in a way and I feel so guilty.I still love him very much and part of me wants him back, but part of me is so hurt at how much of an asshole he has been that I don't know if I will ever forgive him. And even if we were to get back, I would feel very guilty about kissing the other guy when we were broken up, and I know he would be very upset when I told him [which I would, I do not keep secrets from him]. The new guy I hit it off with is keen to see me again, and I don't know if I should hold out in case my ex does really care about me and comes back to me in a few weeks like he usually does, or keep trying to move on and see this other guy more.Is he really a jerk playing the "good boyfriend" card, or does he actually still care? Should I wait to see if he'll come back, and if so how long should I wait, or should I move on, possibly with this new person? Any insight or advice would be greatly appreciated.Thank you for those of you who took the time to read this mammoth post, and thanks in advance to anyone to is brave enough to offer some thoughts on it. (:
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best friend, broke up, kissing, move on, my ex, needs space, period Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (6 February 2011):
 thank you for the follow up. I can see that letting go is still very difficult. Just don't put your life on hold this year. Develop new interests, widen your circle of friends and activities. Visit a gym regularly. Because if you sit home dutifully waiting, remembering, hoping, you can be certain the he is not doing the same. Of course he will regret dropping
you, but don't blame you so much. You would not speak to him, the way he
spoke to you.
And do something nice for you every day. That way you'll know that someone who deserves to be treated well, has been treated well.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your responses.
Yes, I think you might be right, Abella -- he is, or has become, a jerk. The reason that I was so shocked with his behavior was that he'd never spoken to me like that before. He's always had a temper, but he has always been kind to me up until now. Then again, if he haden't been such a jerk, I would probably still be trying to reconcile with him, so maybe it really did work out for the better.
I am trying to remind myself that we were very young when we got together, and still had lots of growing to do. We have both changed, and although I still love him so much, I have to keep telling myself that he is not the sweet boy I fell in love with. He is a man.
I think it was a lot of my own fault because I always cooed all over him, telling him how wonderful he is and how lucky I was. I think I inadvertently helped to make him arrogant. I also think that I may have been smothering him with love. I realized that my post doesn't really show you the things I have done wrong -- the reason he lied to me in the first place was because I was so protective and always got so hurt if he wanted to go out and socialise, that I guilted him into not going. Yes, he was a jerk to me at the end, and he could have just broken up with me like a normal person would have, but it is just as much my fault as his that this is over.
I am giving him space, I have not made any contact with him and it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I think, yes, I did make him my whole life, which is hard because although he was VERY dedicated to me for the first year or so, I was never HIS life. We do not spend too much time together, only once or twice a week, but I think I somehow managed to smother him without even being there. I never really had hobbies, so when I met him, HE became my hobby. Although I would have never done something he wasn't ready to do, I think I wanted it to be more serious than he did. I pushed for us to move in together, and at the time he seemed very keen, but now I think about it, it must have been frightening for him -- I was his first real relationship, but he was not mine. I just don't think he was ready now for what I wanted him to be.
I see now how all the things I accidentally did may have caused him to be so horrible to me, and I know his behavior is inexcusable, but I do think that I am somewhat to blame. I do know now that if he was to give me another shot, even though I'm not sure if I would take him back, I would do things much differently. I have learned a lot about myself and my flaws. At least if he never comes back, I have learnt something for the future.
Thank you very much again for your advice. (: It helps to feel like other people out there care. You are angels.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (6 February 2011):
Wow, i felt utterly sad just reading what you have been put through. And you love him, yet he's talked to you like only a cad could. He's lied. He's been a jerk. And he thinks you can do better, with someone else.
You have been far too loyal to this guy. But I do agree with him on one score and that IS that YES you can do much better than him.
You have trusted this man, and he has treated you very badly. This is a tragic situation for you.
How dare he try to claim you ended this relationship. How lame of him asking others to check if you are OK.
Stop making allowances for his behavior. That's HIS speciality.
Your loyalty to this abusive man, (while understanable considering your emotional attachment to him) is MISPLACED loyalty. Due to his actions, his words, his behavior means that he does not qualify as a good guy.
Just to demonstrate how bad a nasty jerk sort of guy can be. This is a person who I cannot respect, but his silver tongue could charm anyone who did not know him.
There was this jerky guy who lived in the area and was a salesman in the area, but his reputation was notorius. Amongst other he things:
Has and has had for a long time a major gambling problem/was having an affair with a girl at the dentists/his wife was trying to work 2 jobs to try to keep debt collecters at bay/ while he was concurrently playing up with other women /his own sons told their mother to leave him/meanwhile he found an older woman who naively helped him financially, not knowing he was married/she believed he only bet $50 pw/he left his wife holding huge debts fr his gambling/moved into the home of the naive olderwoman/people tried to warn the older woman but she would listen to no one/his wife filed for divorce/then he tried to play the victim to anyone who would listen, about how his wife had left him/except it was he who left his wife 12 months earlier/his house in joint names with his wife was sold/ he promised to marry the older woman but that looks unlikely now/ his gambling debts swallowed most of his share of the home he used to live in with his wife/he got the naive olderwoman to sell her home/bought a new place in joint names with the naive woman/even though he only put in less than 20%/meanwhile that new cheaper house had to be sold/they had to buy a cheaper one again/then that house was sold/ he now rents a home in a much lesser area/ and his naive older gf, who now has much less money than before, is about to be dumped/ as we've heard he has a new gf (with money)/ he is a total user/his sons remain disgusted with their father/ His gambling continues. He earns good money as a salesman, but has nothing to show for it.
Now your guy may not (yet) be as bad as that jerk above. But give it time. And how would you feel in 20 years if the above account did sound like your guy.
You do need to let go of your guy, who has been dropping you, whenever he's felt like it. And several times too..
Your heart needs to be healed with lots of kindness to you by those who care about you..
Then allow yourself time to find a very honorable good guy.
Don't be so willing to hear what you want to hear. Do not excuse bad behavior. Look at a guys actions and the consistency of his behavior.
This guy has consistently dropped you and come back to you. He is unreliable. He is hurtful.
Please be extra good to you. And resolve to never put up with this rubbish sort of behavior. Because only long term pain wil be the result for you. This man does not want to be accountable for his actions
He will come back, try to catch you off guard, try to charm you and worm his way back into your life.
He's had ample opportunity to impress you. And he's blown his last chance. It's one too many times for any sort of forgiving.
You deserve to be revered as an honored loved princess by your next guy, consistently.
Best wishes to you, Abella
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): Okay. After reading this, it is definitely time for me to time for me to go to bed and get unconscious...brain overload big time! This is nearly a replica of what I'm going through. Thanks for asking this question as the feedback will benefit me as well. I'm blown so far away! Lights out. I don't want to hurt my brain right now. God Bless.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (6 February 2011):
Hi there. It's possible that you made him your whole life.
It's really important in relationships, that both partners have their own lives and own interests. It makes your relationship so much more interesting.
Also in doing this, it's important that you are not together all the time every day and every night.
If you spend too much time together with no break, it can start to feel a bit like prison.
I'm not quite sure what you mean by baggage. Unless you are talking about the trust issues you have.
If you decide to end a relationship, it's better that you follow through on that - with absolutely no contact. Otherwise, it's not really a break at all.
He probably does still have feelings for you, because 2 years is a long time.
It's also possible that you wanted the relationship to move forward quicker than he was ready for it to happen. This is common.
I really advise you to give him some space - and that means no contact whatsoever, no texts, no phone calls and no going over to his house either. Space means no contact at all!
Give him some time to collect his thoughts about how he feels about you and the relationship, perhaps a couple of weeks to a month. Then just wait and see if he contacts you after that.
In the time you give him space, go out with your friends and have fun and socialize, and just enjoy life.
Don't mention the other guy you kissed, it seems to be of no consequence. Besides you might have had some alcohol before it happened anyway.
Your main concern is not with the acquaintance who you kissed, but with your ex who you think you want to get back with.
Just give your ex some space - about a month or so - then see what happens after that. Be patient.
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