A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello agony aunts and uncles:A couple of years ago I met a guy online and we became good friends. Eventually, we sort of fell into a relationship, complete with the daily calls and "I love yous" and fidelity, etc. I would have gone to the ends of the earth for him. We both had tragedy in our personal lives and were there for each other unconditionally. The only catch was, he never really wanted a girlfriend, and I could see it chafe him sometimes.Then, early this autumn, we had what would normally be a mild falling out that quickly turned into him leaving me. He had just gone home from visiting me, and we hadn't got along as well as we usually do, but I had thought it was all okay.The break up lasted almost three months whereby we did not speak at all, and when we did finally speak, I was devastated to find out that not only did he say he rarely thought of me, but that he had been out with his ex girlfriend a couple of times. I on the other hand, had a very rough time of it and was deeply hurt.However, for whatever reason, over the last couple of months we have begun to rebuild our original friendship with great success. In fact, after he found out I was looking into dating other people, he became as wonderful and loving as he was when we first fell in love. And, I suppose as a result of that, I have begun to fall for him all over again.But, I am afraid to tell him that because I don't want to pressure him or scare him.Should I wait to see if he says anything first (Ive been told by friends my first mistake was ever telling him first that I loved him. Apparently I was supposed to wait for him to say it), or just never say anything?
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female
reader, devora  +, writes (13 March 2008):
If he was in contact with this ex-girlfriend at any point during your relationship (especially toward the end,) chances are she was the real reason for the breakup -- he was just looking for an excuse to rationalize dumping you. And while you were in heartbroken misery, abandoned, longing for him, he was thinking about HER and reveling in his newfound freedom to do whatever he wanted.
Obviously it didn't work out with his ex for some reason... but what if it did? You probably wouldn't have heard from him again.
So to answer your question: No, don't say anything about your feelings (which are completely normal but unot/u a sign that he's right for you.) And don't get back with this guy, no matter how contrite he appears to be or how much he claims he's changed. He's only this way because he doesn't have you. Once he has you, he will end up doing it again. Maybe it won't be an ex next time, but ithere will be a next time/i if you give Mr. Fickle another chance to break your heart.
Be strong. This is an insensitive, emotionally immature and commitment-phobic man. You deserve better. Move on.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2008): If he was in contact with this ex-girlfriend at any point during your relationship (especially toward the end,) chances are she was the real reason for the breakup -- he was just looking for an excuse to rationalize dumping you. And while you were in heartbroken misery, abandoned, longing for him, he was thinking about HER and reveling in his newfound freedom to do whatever he wanted. Obviously it didn't work out with his ex for some reason... but what if it did? You probably wouldn't have heard from him again.
So to answer your question: Don't say anything about your feelings (which are completely normal but unot/u a sign that he's right for you.) And don't get back with this guy, no matter how contrite he appears to be or how much he claims he's changed. He's only this way because he doesn't have you. Once he has you, he will end up doing it again. Maybe it won't be an ex next time, but ithere will be a next time/i if you give Mr. Fickle another chance to break your heart.
Be strong. This is an insensitive, emotionally immature and commitment-phobic man. You deserve better. Move on.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (15 January 2008):
 OK, game playing was in reference to the lady who said you should wait for the man to say he loves you first. That is playing games. I did not mean that you were playing games. Sorry for the confusion. I was just saying that you should not feel bad that you said what you felt.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi
I appreciate your responses, but in response to the first lady, it has nothing to do with game playing. He and I were down this road before and I got very badly hurt and I don't want to get hurt again. I would rather just stay friends and not get emotionally involved if it seems he will hurt me like that again. I don't want him to chase me. I don't play like that. For me, it's one road or the other and there is no going back.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2008): I think you should continue to date other people so that you won't feel so vulnerable with this man...let him see that you are not waiting around for him and that you are a priceless gem, not second best....if he doesn't come around and start pursuing you with full intent, then move on, life is too short to let some chump who doesn't value you destroy your self esteem, if he doesn't see you for the great woman you are, then when he finally does, it will be too late and his loss....
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (13 January 2008):
 A man would sit on the fence as long as he can and do nothing . If you wait for him to come down from the fence,you may become an old woman.
He is like a wild stallion and need to be domesticated. If you do not coral him up , he will run away when he see a better mare.
After a reasonable time , you should tell him of your feelings and not wait for him . If he is serious with you , he will make a commitment with you . If he cannot , then it is not worth waste your time.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (13 January 2008):
My opinion is that life is too short to not say what you feel when you feel it. I'm not big on game playing. I think that sometimes people get the jitters when someone seems to be drawing them in too close. But to me, that means the person isn't right for you.
So, you have two choices. Say what you feel and at least you won't regret not saying it. Or, you could hold of and play a little hard to get. It just depends on what you can life with.
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