A
female
age
30-35,
*utterflyAway
writes:Hello allSchool ended for me for the end of the year in December (we have our summer holidays in Dec-Jan) and I gave a letter to a teacher I had a little bit of a crush on, because he was leaving. The thing was, I wasn't actually in his class and never have been - I just saw him a lot in the hallway and he took me for a few classes when my teacher was sick.In the letter I said how much I'd miss him though he didn't know me, and how he was affecting lives outside of those he taught - I thought it was something he'd like to know, and it was my closure for that crush, as I wouldn't see him after he left. I left my email address for him, because I was a bit of a woos and didn't want him to know who I was.He emailed me and asked me to come by and say hi before he left, and I did, and he gave me some textbooks, and a few days later school ended. And I emailed him one more time, just saying more of what I'd said in my original letter and he replied, saying that he'd like to keep in contact, and because I really liked him (but didn't really think it would become inappropriate) I said yes.Over the summer holidays we talked a lot, over email, but mostly over chat. And the chats went on really late, one or two in the morning was normal. We talked about our interests and all... really clicked. And he flirted, heavily. And I'm kind of ashamed to say that I did as well. I sent him a photo of me on my birthday and he said I was stunning, and that I was beautiful, and... I guess it made me feel good.Anyway, we were talking one night (one am), and this is after we'd broached the topic of student/teacher affairs and sex quite a few times, and I asked him why he was doing this. He said I made him feel good, and I said I thought it was more of a secret rendevous that made us both feel older and younger alternately... and he told me he'd been wanting to say something for a while, so he typed it in his drafts email and let me know his email password so I could get in and read it.It said, to be short, that he was sexually attracted to me, wanted to kiss me and other things, and that he fantasised about me and wondered what a, 'romp in the hay,' would be like. And I was completely dumbfounded, and didn't know what to do, so I started swearing and yelling at him over chat. But I was kind of pleased... I mean, I'd sensed it, but I realised that he had kids (and he said later, a wife, and he was 37 as well).Anyway, I threatened to show a teacher when we got back to school (I had saved every chat and email) and he asked me not, and I said why not, and he said because of his kids and because he wanted to be there and watch them grow up. And I felt completely torn, because though I wanted to see him punished, sending him to prison would seperate him and his kids, and I grew up with a partially absent father and didn't want to put his kids through.So I said I wouldn't, deleted the chats, and cut contact from him. And it should have ended there.But over two weeks, I was missing him so badly. He was like crack cocaine and I an addict, I couldn't just quit him. So I sort of relapsed... I emailed him again and he emailed and we're back to that. It's more innocent. But I'm having second thoughts... I'm still wondering if I should turn him in. I don't have proof anymore. But I dunno if I could live with myself if he raped one of his little girls and I could've prevented it.Please, I really need some advice. I'm still infatuated, and I'm still thinking about what he said. And I need some adult advice, but I can't talk about this to anyone but my closest friends. The counsellor at my school has to report anything illegal to the police, as do any teachers, and I don't want to tell my parents. I feel like a slut, because I did set out to make him like me, and I did flirt... I just didn't think this would happen.
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affair, crush, flirt, my teacher, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, ButterflyAway +, writes (1 March 2008):
ButterflyAway is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt would've been when we started chatting... about half a month.
A
female
reader, hello1  +, writes (29 February 2008):
 PATHETIC. This man wanted a affair with her, what decent teacher wouold email their students? well It wasn't allowed at my school. She's only just turned 15. I think it's very worrying that your all blaming her. Who's the adult here? who's teaching kids for a living?
I think it's very sad you followed the other aunts 'advice' YOU will regret this, and I hope you dont have a younger sister who goes to your school! cause what if this hasn't taught him a lesson? He obviously DID want to start something with you. I cannot believe everyone defending him, yes lets defend the creeps now. You don't know this man, what's going through his mind.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (29 February 2008):
 I applaud you for your wise decision .You can now move on with your life.
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A
female
reader, ButterflyAway +, writes (29 February 2008):
ButterflyAway is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI turned fifteen about a month ago, to those who are wondering.
*sighs* I've decided I probably won't report him. I mean, he's not entirely blameless in this, but neither am I. And I never really wanted this. Sure, I fantasised about it occasionally, but I never thought it would happen... if I could turn back the clock and not even give him that letter, I would.
That's not an option, though. I think it would be better if I just tried to forget this all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2008): Yes lady you should be doing something but not destroying the lives of 4 people. You did what you set out to do and you got what you wanted. Now you think you can blackmail him? why would you do that? If you are 13 - 15 then you are not stupid, you knew what you were doing. Stop trying to make people feel sorry for you, you are still in one piece, he hasn't touched you physically. Move on with your life and don't email him anymore. Its easy. Just DON'T. Block him and prove to yourself and to everyone who has read your letter that you are not just playing around with someone else feelings just for kicks. How old are you anyway. Almost 16 or just turned 13? I think you are a schemer and an attention seeker! sorry but i do! nice girls don't flirt with their teachers.
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A
male
reader, maddox08  +, writes (29 February 2008):
 Look I know you must be feeling confused but just try e-mailing him and just put an end to it. As far as the seductress part thoes feeling will only increase as you "grow up" and get a boyfriend. Not a teacher, father, or a married man, but your own boyfriend! When you have your own man then you can flirt,e-mail,text,talk as long as you want and not feel confused. You also stated that this would follow you around forever is it really worth it to you? Do you really want this looming over your head from now on??? Me personaly I wouldn't I would rather squash it bury it and move on. Give yourself time mature a little bit the find a guy around your age and just have fun a live life worry free from these problems. I hope I shed a little light on you in this dark time, by the way I hope I didn't sound to rude on my last awnser. Good luck and share what you decide to do!
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A
female
reader, nicole5178 +, writes (28 February 2008):
 In answer to your question, your school won't throw you out. All records of minors are kept strictly confidental--you and your parents can't even access them, let alone a school or law institution.
I would STRONGLY suggest not going through a third party (ie: the police or school administration) to solve this, though. You can handle it, just like you've been able to handle it up to this point. If he were physically present, it might be different, but if he's hundreds of miles away, you're in little immediate danger. If something does go wrong, or he wants to see you in person to talk about it, then tell someone. That's a last resort though, just in case he starts being too forward with you.
Emailing teachers isn't a bad thing though--it's not subject to administrative action--and niether is talking about teacher-student relationships in general. If he sent you that drafted sexual email, that'd be one thing, but if you don't have a copy sent from him to you, you have no evidence. He's probably deleted the draft by now.
You should tell him that what he did was wrong, and that if it continues, you'll have to turn him in, just out of want for the safety of his own children. Say that you're afraid he does this with teenagers just because they're teenagers, so what will happen when his own kids are your age? That will probably hit home with him (or at least upset him enough to never want to talk to you again), and he'll stop trying to contact you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): Okay, im confused. You set out for a teacher to like you, meaning you tried your hardest for him to like you, you gave him your email address and you did not show any hessitation of staying up late talking to him everynight. now that he has said he lieks you, which u wanted anyways u want to hand him into the police, im confused :S what did u want from this exactly?? did u want him to hand you in to the school for being inapproparite? did u want him to be mean and nasty to you and tell you that he couldtn keep in touch with you ? i dont get it, i mean yes it was wrong wht he said but you started this, i mean its your fault hes emailing you am i right? thats like me emailing a teacher of mine then handing them in when they email me back?look if your gonna mess with people's heads then obviously you havent matured enough to even be at a high school, sorry if i sounded harsh but no bloody wonder.
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A
female
reader, daisydaresyou +, writes (28 February 2008):
Umm hello what is a 37 year old teacher doing talking sexually to his 13-15 year old pupil at 2 o clock in the morning while his kids and wife are asleep?!
He shouldn't be doing this. He IS abusing his power and getting off on it. He may entertain these thoughts in private but actually flirting with a child who is in his care is way too much.
He is in the wrong here, and you need to break contact with him. Face it, if it carries on, either you will just feel worse than you already do, or it will turn into a nightmare of broken families and messed up heads.
You say you feel for his kids - well how would you feel if he was your dad messing around like this? He is exploiting you, and though you may fancy him now, it can only end in tears.
Be strong and tell him to go to hell next time. Be the grown up (I'm afraid it will have you be you in this situation - good clue as to how wrong this is people?! -) and tell him you don't want to get involved with this. However exciting it may seem, it will just seem plain gross in a couple of years time and you will be so freaking happy that it ended when you did.
Stay strong. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, love-him +, writes (28 February 2008):
 HEY!!
Your teacher has been very silly with the way he has dealt with his feelings. I think you should hand all evidence in and take it futher!!
GOOD LUCK!! Feel free to mail me at any time x x
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A
female
reader, hello1 +, writes (28 February 2008):
Laura1318, the teacher was playing the game though. I don't understand why everyone wants this teacher to be let off the hook, I mean your blaming her because she started emailing him first? He started talking sexual too her and that's when she backed off. Shame on all of you. I bet you wouldn't be happy if he was emailing your daughters
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (28 February 2008):
I would agree 100% with Nicole5178 post.
There was a case of an English teacher in the UK who was found not guilty after the student reported him to the police.
When that married teacher did not play her game , she cried wolf!
It destroyed his marriage and he was out of job.
This guilty conscience will be with her all her life .
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): I don't think that he should be reported. Yes, what he is doing (actively flirting / attempting to cheat) is bad, but these things happen everyday. The sex offender status that he gets will destroy his life and likely weigh on your conscience since you seem to like him.
I doubt that he is going to "rape" anyone, since everything between you two seems consensual. He's not abusing his power or using force on you, so I doubt that he would on anyone else - given the details supplied.
I'd advise that you quit talking to him and leave it at that.
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A
female
reader, hello1 +, writes (28 February 2008):
I agree with Collaroy, this teacher is messing with fire and he deserves to get burnt. I find it sad that other aunts seem to be blaming you, yes you may have started it but he should NEVER have carried it on, he's a married man of 36 who shouldn't be intrested in a 13-15 girl. Your right he properly will do this to another girl, teachers like this shouldn't be teaching! I mean if he wants to have a affair, why pick a student! NO ONE wants this kind of man teaching their kids.
It won't effect you on future jobs, it will just effect him. Go for it I say, you will regret it and always look back if you don't. Think of it in this way, you did his wife a favour. I mean he was going to cheat on her anyway. And he needs to be taught a lesson.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): I think nearly every girl at some point has had comething resembling a "crush" on a teacher and some may even have been as bold as you to flirt with him but honestly, you would really report him for flirting back? cuz thats all it is. you started it and he continued it. if u honestly didn't think this could happen then you have lived an impossibly sheltered life. just leave the poor man alone. please! Almost every relationship we ever have has a hint of sexual attraction to it (ask sigmund freud) and this man was just a little misguided (by you!) and showed some poor judgement but who hasn't? If he had threatened you in any way that would be a whole other story but u said so yourself that he merely made some suggstions for u to decline or accept. And u don't even have the common sense to decline. yeah you yelled at him then start playing nice again. What are you thinking girl?!I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I have some experience when it comes to "flirting" with older males. I'm only a few years older than you and at your age was sleeping with guys in their 30's. My latest escapade nearly landed a guy 10 yrs older than me in jail and my that story sounds a whole lot like your flirting with your teacher.Just leave it alone!!!Goodluck
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A
female
reader, nicole5178 +, writes (28 February 2008):
Hello.
As someone who has reported an ex-teacher (with whom I flirted, despite his wife and children) for inappropriate behavior, I'm telling you DO NOT REPORT HIM. You will regret it everyday for the rest of your life, because it will ruin his family and innocent people (his wife and kids) will get hurt. If you have a problem with him, talk to HIM about it. Otherwise, you'll never get any sort of closure.
Also, if you were expecting this, and you didn't want to hear it, why did you bring it up? You knew what would be in that draft email, and you looked anyway. You also seemed to kind of lead him on--you said that you'd flirt with him. Honestly, he probably thinks that everything is fine now since you're talking to him, and if you reported him, he'd be completely blindsided. You'd violate that trust he has in you, which is kind of what you would be saying he did wrong. The whole thing just seems a bit hypocritical.
You seem like you want to atone for what you've done wrong, and the best way of doing that is just not to do it again. If you report him, it won't erase or make up for what has already happened, and it won't make you feel better. I got really depressed after I reported my ex-teacher, and then he wasn't there to cheer me up (because he was always the one to cheer me up), which only made me more depressed.
So talk to him about it. Through email would be best.
...Hope that helped you. Feel free to message me if you still need help, or if you want advice on what to say in the email, or something. Good luck!!
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A
female
reader, ButterflyAway +, writes (28 February 2008):
ButterflyAway is verified as being by the original poster of the question*sighs* This is rather ironic. Please, maddox08, understand this - this thing is tearing me apart. I've tried to act grown-up about it, I've tried not to be bothered about what he's said, but I can't help but think about him, non-stop. I don't know what to do. Half the time I think I should be doing the right thing and telling someone, but then, hell, what is the right thing in this situation?
And will this follow me around for the rest of my life? I'm not ashamed to say that I'm worried about the repercussions for myself as well. Will it affect every job I apply for, every college I try to get into? Can my school throw me out? I'm at a really, really strict school - are they allowed to do that? I'm feeling like a seductress and a victim and manipulated, all at once, and I just feel like I should do something, but I don't know what that is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2008): I agree, that you probably knew what you were doing but the urge to feel beautiful and wanted and sexy over-rode that. Now you have to lie in the bed you've made. It sucks, I know. I PERSONALLY would just try to forget about it. At least for his wife and kids sake. I'll tell ya, it would suck to have a sex offender in the family. That's what he'd become for 'Lewd and indecent suggestions to a minor (under 16)' or something like that. If you need to talk to someone, I'd go to a clinic or a doctor. Weather or not you tell him is your choice, but remember that what you say could potentially have consequences on your part, his part, and his family's part.
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A
male
reader, maddox08 +, writes (28 February 2008):
I agree with Ask Oldersister just e-mail him warning him not to contact you anymore or you will inform the authorities. On another note I don't think any of his kids are in danger of him raping them, you could destroy many live's if you keep this up. Just leave him alone, I don't think your so innocent as you tried to portray your self. I think you knew where this was gonna go. One more thing this all sounds so sad because your jealous of his wife and kids! GROW UP WILL YA! I'm not defending him either he is also the dumb a** who got himself in this mess. If you feel so threatned tell someone but I hope you can live with your decision!
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (28 February 2008):
 Hi,
let me tell you as an ex teacher what you need to do.
First , let me say that in every single case of a teacher behaving inappropriately towards a young girl, the girl is never blamed. In the eyes of the law the girl is always a victim, she is in a vulnerable position and easily led by a mature figure. So do not worry about this.
If you simply cannot bring yourself to tell your parents first off then approach a teacher in your school who you trust. Preferably a senior one. Your parents will find out, but you are right men like this do not behave like this as a one off , he is most likely a sex offender in the disguise of a teacher and needs to be reported to the police as soon as possible.
Be brave and do something about it, your friends cant help you here as they are only students themselves.
Remember only he is to blame, your letter to him was not inappropriate , he turned this around by flirting with you.
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