A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Where do I draw the line?My husband and I have been married for three years and together for almost six. About a month ago, I found out that he had a conversation with our best friends (a married couple) about swinging. The conversation was held in secret without my knowledge. My best friend initiated the conversation, but none of them told me about it. It is something that all three of them wanted to do, and they discussed rules and logistics for over an hour that night. I discovered something was going on when I happened to see text messages between them saying things like "I really enjoyed last night- that was something I was not at all expecting; I enjoyed it to- I didn't know how the night was going to go until it happened; We had been talking about joining a swing club."When I confronted my husband, he denied everything at first. Then he admitted there was only a conversation, but no physical contact, after I showed him the text messages I had read. A few weeks later, when I thought things were calming down and getting better between my husband and I, I found out that he had registered on 3 different internet dating websites. He referred to me as his ex-wife and posted pictures of both himself and our 12 month old daughter on the websites. He was texting two different women, and asked a third one to meet at a bar. Since then, he has cut all ties with the other women. I watched him send messages to them saying that he was married, had lied to them, was sorry, and would not be in contact with them anymore. He says that he never met any of them in person. He deleted his accounts with the dating sites. He has given me full access to all email accounts, phone records, myspace, facebook, and his cell phone. I have all of his passwords and can check them any time I want.We have been going to counseling and there has not been any contact with other women since he said he was stopping. He started a new medication for bipolar disorder. He says he is sorry and that he wants us to stay together.To add insult to injury, my best friend texted me several times last week saying that I was unstable for being upset, I was only staying with my husband for his money (which is not true- we live paycheck to paycheck), and I was the one being dishonest in the whole situation. What would you do in my situation? Should I try to stay and work things out, or call it quits?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2011): he seems to be doing all the right things according to what you wrote. So, as long as the therapy continues well I see no reason for you to end it.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (18 August 2011):
 First of all, cut your "best friend" out of your life. She is toxic and a very negative influence on you and your marriage. Who is she to call you unstable?
As far as your husband is concerned, continue with the therapy and see where it goes from there. If you feel that he's changed and you can trust him,then dont break the marriage up just yet. Its a marriage here,and you should both give it all you have. I can understand it must be extremely difficult for you to have to face all this nonsense, but please be strong, at least for the sake of your daughter. Dont even bother about all the crap that your friend's been saying,because it doesnt mean anything. She's just a disgusting person and you need to cut her out of your life. Concentrate on your well being instead.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (17 August 2011):
 First your husband had sex with your swinger friends and lied about it. To make it worse, he created accounts on dating sites in hopes to have sex with 3 women. Keep in mind those are women that you know of, there could be more. Those are two strikes against him and who knows what else he did or was planing on doing. Just because you have access to his cell, FB and his passwords doesn't mean he cannot set up new accounts. I once had a male co-worker, whose wife monitored and approved who he could talk to on FB. Guess what? He had a secret, alias FB account, among other "stealth mode" accounts that she never knew about because he would only access them at work or outside of his house. So this digital access you have is really a false sense of security.Do you feel you can restore your trust in him after multiple indiscretions? I take it you two discussed the reason(s) why he cheated, but are those reasons acceptable to you? How long have you been in counseling? If you're asking us if you should continue to work on your marriage or dump him, I'm assuming therapy is not going too well for you - that it's not giving you the peace, assurance and confidence that you need. Honestly, if I were in your situation, I would leave. There is no need to live life with resentments, mistrust and wondering 'what if he does this again?'
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2011): Go to counseling, see if things are workable. Don't be a doormat though, and be aware that if he continues to behave this way that he is putting you and your child at risk. Serious risk to that daughter.
She takes priority.
Do not allow him to endanger your daughter further, or you. Make that clear to him.
Very unlikely that you know the full extent of his activities, keep that in mind.
Don't have sex with him until he has seen a doctor, with you present, and all his screening has been done.
Don't end up like someone I knew who found out about their husband's activities by finding out that they themselves had HIV.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2011): The bottom line is whether you feel you can trust him again. The trust failed in my marriage - due to some photos of me with other women on facebook - and we have now separated as my wife felt she could not trust me anymore.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2011): 1. I think that it is very likely that something physical happened between one of these women (possibly your best friend) and you husband at some point.
2. Your "best friend" is NOT you best friend.
3. See a therapist on your own!!!!!!
I wish you luck!
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A
female
reader, No-suger-coating  +, writes (17 August 2011):
 There is no simple answer hun, this is a very difficult situation you are in indeed,to start with your friend is completely out of order, i mean totally!!! you are NOT by any stretch of the imagination being 'unstable'for being upset about how he has treated you!on the contrary he is incredably lucky you have not packed your bags and left to be honest! On the one hand he has disrespected you beyond words, putting 'ex wife' on a swingers website (and also having a family picture up there as well) its practically unforgiveable.......on the other hand he is going to relate with you which shows he wants to fix his mess that he has caused.And then secondly you have the fact that he has given you access to all his personal affairs which shows he knows he has broken down the trust terribly and that it needs to be rebuilt.And also thirdly you say he has bi-polar (and i wont pretend i know 'anything' about bi-polar what so ever) but the one thing i know that is common knoweldge is that their medication can 'sometimes' cause adverse behaviour and side effects......(not to say that 'that' comes under the title of dis-respecting you on a swingers website, coz it doesnt!)However if you take all these points into consideration you have to way up; if you still love him after all he has done to you, if you can find it in you to try and work threw it, but mostly if you believe in your heart that he is capable of showing you better respect then this , as what he has done shows complete and utter dis-respect in the highest form.Only you can really decide on where things go from here hun.I really wish you good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2011): I would rethink your relationship with everyone in this situation.
Especially your best friend, cut her off imediatly, she is sabotaging your marriage just by sticking her un-needed 2 cents worth in. Who needs enemies hey?
I would carry on with the counceling with your husband as he seems to be making the effort in your marriage, if you havnt already then cut off all contact with the other couple in question.
Your little family has to come first now for the sake of your child. Forget you so called 'best friends' opinion or that of her husband!
Good luck x
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