A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was dating my boyfriend for a few months and he had to move 4 hours away. We were too in love to end the relationship. So for the past two years we have carried on a long distance relationship, talking on the phone constantly and him visiting me once or twice a month. He came on family vacations and to family affairs. We talked about marriage and were very seriously. Just recently though he broke it off, he said we're too young to be doing what we're doing (20 and 21) and we're basically dating our phones. He said he can't stand it that he can't see me and he just wants to be with me and thats not going to happen anytime soon.Also, there's no solution to the distance at least not for another 2 years. We love each other, we're on good terms and said maybe in 2 years we can try again if we're not involved with other people. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I really want things to work and I'm considering transferring to a school near him so we can make it work. But my parents are paying for my school and it's going to be a battle with them. I can't let go of the relationship without a fight, we wanted it to work but we're wearing ourselves out and it's not fair for us to go on wishing out lives away until we can be together.Any suggestions of what I should do? Try to go to school there and make it work or just try to let go over the next two years, see if we keep in touch and how we feel...if I do this though I feel like I'm giving up on the relationship and it's too important to just give up on.
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male
reader, Stroller  +, writes (19 March 2008):
 You parents thought it inappropriate for an 18-21 year-old to drive a ways to visit her boyfriend? For a 16-year-old, maybe, but you're a young woman now, rapidly becoming an independent and self-supporting one.
What do they want your feller to do? Drive his horse-buggy half a day across the county to come a courtin', and sit in the parlour all a complementin' your Ma's cooking, and talking grain prices with your Daddy?
Get with the programme, parents! I know you wan the best for your kids, but saying "you can only have this education on our terms" just invites your daughter to decline said education. At some point she'll tire of the battle and walk away.
As an aside, the value of education is a big Western myth. The number of folks I know with successful businesses, big homes & no money worries - it's the electrical wholesalers & contractors I'm thinking of, the lady picture-framer with a national newspaper contract. I love my work, but if I were skint & without skills right now I'd qualify as an "independent financial consultant" and become a mortgage salesman - these guys make serious money. You don't need education to be a success - in our countries you can print a letterhead on your laser-printer and you're a business. A few advertising fliers in letterboxes and you have customers. An education basically qualifies you to work in a cubicle and earn money for some other guy, and when you see (in the UK) the number of kids coming out of uni with worthless humanities degrees that'll earn them naff all, the value of it becomes very clear.
There is nothing wrong with chasing your dreams. I can't promise it'll work, but better to try than to regret later not having done so. Better to have loved & lost, and all that. The perspective of "a girl chasing a boy" is just your parents looking upon you as a kid. Maybe you still are, I don't know, but adults make sacrifices for each other - they make decisions as a couple, and (eventually, at least) you're going to quit living under your parents' wings and make your own decision on which state in which you want to live. I guess you've got to ask yourself if this guy is your future-husband and the father-to-be of your kids - in that case the answer should be shouting out at you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI still live with my parents and they thought it was inappropriate for a young girl to drive four hours to visit her boyfriend. So All of the burden rode on him. He felt the guilt for moving away and if we wanted to see each other, it all rested on his shoulders. I understand how it became too wearing on him. My problem is that i need to finish school and my parents are paying for it, i have a scholarship through my mother's work. He's definitely put in a lot of effort, but he's trying to get his life together too and i feel like he's had to do a lot of the work. Thats why I feel like i need to make this big step to show that I'm willing to make it work.
He told me flat out that there was no one else and that he really does love me but it seemed like we were avoiding the inevitable because there was no solution to the distance. So i'm waiting to see if i got accepted to the school and wondering if i should prepare for war with my parents.
Its just hard with school. I'm hoping I can convince them. but then people tell me I'm chasing him, but i figure life's an adventure and you have to make things work. In a relationship one persons gotta move towards the other. If I can then why not right?
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A
female
reader, thatgothgirl20 +, writes (17 March 2008):
 Move to a school nearby him. You both love each other, so it will be worth it.
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A
male
reader, Stroller +, writes (16 March 2008):
I think that in two years, if you leave it, this relationship will be lost forever. People grow, people move on. But feel free to continue dreaming if it makes you feel better.
I think that long-distance relationships can work, and I think it's telling that your guy has given up on that. It suggests to me he's not a "go getter" and it tells me that he's not prepared to put the effort into your relationship - but then maybe there's a reason for that. You say that he visited you all the time - did you go visit him? Why'd it be such a battle with your parents for you to go to school near him? Maybe he just feels that he's battling with them, and I could imagine that 2 years would seem a long time if they're "out to get him".
If you love him that much then move back closer to him - you're an adult, take a waitressing job or start a home-based business and take your college education part-time. But there's always a possibility that he's found someone else, so have a heart-to-heart and a two-week visit first. If you're not prepared to make it work, you have to let go.
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