A
male
age
36-40,
*rown_ferret
writes: I don't know where to begin and I apologize in advance if this sounds like a long-winded whinge fest as opposed to a real question. That said, I really do need to talk to someone, so here goes. About a year ago or so, I developed feelings of the romantic sort for this girl I know. She is actually my friend's ex and I understand that prevailing social norms discourage men from dating the ex-girlfriends of their mates but I had no control over what happened next. During the previous year, when I was going through an especially horrible bout of depression, she was there for me and provided me with the type of understanding and emotional support that I wasn't getting from my family or anyone else. I really felt that I might have found someone who was willing to accept me for whom I am. This really meant a lot to me because I have always had to deal with a crippling inferiority complex caused by a learning disability that I was born with. However, things didn't go exactly as planned. When I returned to college, I was too distracted by my academic obligations to keep in regular contact with her and the logical part of my mind begun to tell me that it would be wise to let go of an old attachment that wouldn't go anywhere. Moreover, my own feelings for her left me bewildered and confused. I wanted her but was too afraid to take that plunge. So I stopped trying to meet up with her instead, choosing to burry myself in my studies.Well, anyway, about three months ago, I found out that she was in happy relationship with someone’s. I had already foreseen this but I didn't expect myself to feel so emotionally devastated. Despite my best efforts to crush my feelings for her, they had stubbornly refused to die. Very much against my will, they begun to haunt me with a vengeance. My depression returned and I begun to do things to try to dull the pain. I've stopped doing that recently since I realize that it's not the healthiest decision in the long-run.However, I have returned to my favorite past-time of sleeping with prostitutes on a weekly basis. Sadly, that isn't working either. Where previously sleeping with working-girls was one of the greatest pleasures in my life, I find the sex boring and mechanical now. To makes matters worse, over the past few weeks, I've realized that I can't even maintain an erection long enough to have actual intercourse. There's this gaping emotional void in my life and I really feel that I need to move on and find someone’s. It’s easier said than done though. I’m not sure I have the emotional and mental fortitude that’s required where romance and love are concerned. There’s also the fact that I’m afraid that I might have picked up a STD like HIV from the prostitutes that I’ve slept with . While the prospect of dying of this disease doesn’t especially bother me anymore, I’m not sure I like the idea of infecting someone poor, innocent girl with it. In fact, back when I was seriously considering of asking out the girl I’ve already mentioned, my brother told me that it was fine if I wanted to screw up my life but that the possibility that I might do the same to her was just plain disgusting. I guess what I’m really asking is, should I try to look for intimacy with a woman that goes beyond mere sex? Or am I just deluded in entertaining such a hope? If you had the patience to go through this rather lengthy travesty of a question, thanks in advance.
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crush, erection, ex girlfriend, hiv , move on, prostitute, std Reply to this Question
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male
reader, brown_ferret +, writes (18 December 2012):
brown_ferret is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses everyone. I have to say that they do mostly make sense. I'll put the whole dating thing on the backburner until I've made better progress.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2012): I agree with the other commenter. You're not ready to be in a relationship. You should focus on getting yourself to a healthier state first. You don't need a girlfriend for that. In fact you shouldn't use a girlfriend for that as its not fair to her. Utilize the support of family and friends and a group therapy support group. But an intimate relationship has so few boundaries that it would just hurt the other person and then the decline of the relationship will hurt you even more and you wont be equipped to handle it in a healthy way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2012): A real relationship won't make your depression go away once the initial novelty wears off. You need to be mentally healthy and emotionally balanced on your own before you can contribute to the relationship not just suck life from it by putting expectations on your partner to keep your loneliness and despair away. That would just drag her down. Your brother is right in a way. Its your choice to screw up your own life but will be irresponsible to screw up some one else's. Get help for yourself and heal yourself first. Get rid of the prostitutes addiction - right now it fills some void in your life but its really unhealthy for many reasons. There's the health risks. Then its also training your mind to think of sex as being a one way activity separate from love and centered around you and the void you are trying to fill. This will definitely lead to relational problems in a real relationship. Also most women don't want to date a man who has a current or very recent habit of using prostitutes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2012): A relationship isn't a substitute for therapy. You need to get some therapy to learn healthier more effective ways of dealing with depression than self destructive escapsim.You're not ready for a relationship yet because in your current state you would just be using her as a substitute for the prostitutes to dull your unresolved pain. You tried prostitutes and it worked for a while as a form of escapism but the depression caught up so it isn't working anymore to dull the pain so now you want a real relationship. No that's not an appropriate or respectful way to treat a future partner. Besides you need to eliminate your habit of sleeping with prostitutes before you try to get into a real relationship. Using prostitutes regularly weakens the connection in your mind between sex and love since you're so used to doing sex without feelings. You need to unlearn this on your own firsy before you start involving someone in your life as a girlfriend or you'll be objectifying her which will destroy the relationship. Sex with prostitutes is all about your sexual needs and desires but that's not how sex in real relationships works. That's why using prostitutes ruins your ability for real relationships.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (15 December 2012):
 1. go get tested for HIV and other STD's(chances are you are clean) and then in 6 months get re-tested. In the meantime if you DO have sex USE protection EVERY TIME.
And YES, I do think forging a connection with a woman BEFORE having sex is a good thing. So the ex of a mate wasn't perhaps the best idea, but sometimes we use our heart not head.
Instead of pushing a girl away because you feel it's getting to intense, you need to learn how to communicate with her.
I would venture a guess that sleeping with prostitutes is the reason you can't maintain an erection, because of the self loathing. But I could be wrong.
If that friend's ex is single you COULD ask her out, but I really would hold of on the sex til you get tested BOTH times - so GET that done! If she is NOT single you need to really let her go.
You were able to forge a friendship with her, which leads me to guess that you CAN make a relationship work and you DO feel/felt love for her so that is possible too.
Maybe you should consider finding a good therapist? Figure out why you are sabotaging your life to the extend that you are.
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