A
female
age
51-59,
*123
writes:I have been seeing a guy from work for 4 years. During that time we have argued often about another woman from work who has upset me by being very friendly with. He says nothing is going on but I have always been uncomfortable about it. She left work to start a new job at the the leaving night he made a big show of whispering and giggling in her ear right in front of me as the 3 of us stood there talking and I was left standing there not able to hear and no one else to speak to. I said that it was rude and we had a big row and are now finished as he said it was all my fault. I don't think it was allmy fault but am wondering if I should realise it is and try and patch things up. I am really upset and miserable about the whole thing. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2007):
When it comes to these kind of situations there are always three perspectives to what happened. Yours, his, and the "actual" one.
I don't think a person should ever admit to something being their fault if they don't think it is. Rather, you need to try and look at the situation from his perspective and see if you can understand things in the way he has presented them. That doesn't mean conceding that he is right, but it might make you less defensive and accept you did play a part in things going wrong.
It sounds like your partner should have been a little more sensitive to your feelings, but I am guessing you were very accusing and angry to him, rather than showing yourself as actually feeling left out. Not many will react with "your dumped" if you explain you are feeling left out but I can imagine most people will get that defensive and argumentative if they are feeling like they are being attacked.
Also - was alcohol involved in this situation? To be it sounds like alcohol has fuelled this incident.
You have both been together a long time so you must know each other fairly well. If things are generally 50/50 then at times I don't think it does any harm to be the one to go the extra mile to patch things up. It's better than being stubborn and allowing the relationship to end, isn't it? I think you have to ask yourself - is what happened significant enough to end a four year relationship with someone, or is he worth fighting for? All the best with whatever you decide to do.
A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (4 February 2007):
 I think the way he sees your behaviour is that you were being insecure and didn't trust him when he said there was nothing going on between them. Being friendly and whispering aren't signs of an affair, they're signs of a close friendship, and it appears that is the reason he got upset enough to finish with you. All you can do is try to control your jealousy and show him that you wouldn't behave the same if the situation happened again.
CD
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