A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:A month or two ago a co-worker and I started having a relationship. I am single and she has with a boyfriend whom she has been with for four years. At first we both felt very bad about the fact that she was cheating on her boyfriend but as time went on it became clear to us both that the boyfriend was in fact extremely controlling and at times both mentally and physically abusive to her. Over the time we were together I watched my co-worker become more and more confident, she flourished and became her own person again, and in the end neither of us felt guilty because we both seemed to know it was the right thing for her. She introduced me to her mother and her friends, all of whom knew what was going on and all of whom have welcomed me in a way I never thought possible. The big problem is, she and her boyfriend had only just returned from two and a half years travelling in Australia, and were due to go back, to New Zealand, potentially forever. She did not want to go as she didn’t want to leave her family, friends, and me, and everyone was telling her not to go, but in the end – after a lot of crying and unhappiness – she did eventually reluctantly fly off to New Zealand with the boyfriend on Sunday. We talked beforehand about what was going to happen and she said she felt it was her duty to go but she also wanted so much to keep in touch with me and that she wanted to come back.I miss her very much, and have not heard from her since then (although to be fair it’s only been a few days and it was a thirty hour flight). I desperately want her to come back but I know that it’s probably best for her to go and (hopefully) work out for herself that this is what she wants, rather than never to have gone and then maybe to have regretted it. She did not really want to think about things before she left, and kept saying that she was so confused as to what to do, but that she didn’t feel like she loved the boyfriend any longer. I feel so sad that she has gone, although I know full well that most people would hardly be sympathetic to me, given that I am the ‘other bloke’ in this scenario. We can only really now communicate by email. My question is – should I just try to forget about this girl? I don’t want to at all, she is absolutely incredible and I really fell for her. But if not, how do I play it to give the best chance of her coming home? Her mum and friends are keeping in touch with me, which is good. Or would you say that, given that she did actually go, I’ve got pretty much no chance?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010): He's controlling and mentally and physically abusive but she stayed with him?
Do you know this to be true? Or is that just what she wanted you to believe so she could have some fun on the side?
She cheated. You did too, knowing she had a bf, but what's done is done. The bottom line is that she left you to go be with him. There's your answer.
Good luck to you, and please go find someone who wants to be with you 100%
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2010): Hate to break it to you mate but if you meant that much to her she wouldn't have flown off to NZ with her BF. Forget her.
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A
female
reader, raiders  +, writes (7 July 2010):
 I think you should forget about her and move on. She is in a relationship and if she was really serious about you she would have left her boyfriend for you, but she didn't. She is far and most LDR don't work out anyways. Save yourself the trouble and leave her alone. She is a cheater and is telling you whatever you want to hear so that you don't leave her, be smart about it and understand that you are getting played.
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A
female
reader, Liza999  +, writes (7 July 2010):
 Sounds like you really care and respect this girl! Stay supportive to what she needs to experience now. She will be doing alot of soul searching and figuring out her true feelings towards this boyfriend. I don't think he stands a chance considering his qualities up against yours. but they do have a history and that is something she may have a hard time letting go of. This will be a time of patience and you letting it go, just a little. Wait for a contact from her, be friendly, genuine and loving but try not to pressure her or pull her back. freedom and time to unravel the mystery of her feelings is a gift that you can give her now. I hope for your sake she returns with clarity and without attachment. Patience. Patience.
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