A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I are soul mates. We have the best marriage of all our friends and everyone tells us that we look so much in love even after being together for sixteen years. We have 3 children,and have always been good parents. I recently found gay porn on my husbands computers. He was very mad and said that it was just a fantasy and that everyone has a right to thier fantasies. I agree and I wish that I had never seen it because now I am concerned that he might be gay. I looked in his deleted files and went back as far as 2006and found that he has been seeking out males online. I also found that he has been sending pictures of his breasts to a man ,(something that has been strictly off limits to me).On the other hand I have also found straight porn on his computers. I don't know what to think. Our sex life has never been consitant over the years but he has never asked me to do anything freaky and has always and enjoyed oral sex with me.When we have sex he always looks at me so I don't think that he has ever fantasized that he is with anyone else. He says that he is addicted to porn and that is it. He says he has never acted out on any of his fantasies and has no desire to .He is also willing to seek help.Should I trust that he is not having sex with men?I am very hurt and confused at the moment and really need some encouraging , expierienced answers. Please help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2009): Thank you everyone for your responses. They were a great help at a time when I didn't have anyone to talk to.
My husband I have talked alot in the past few days about my dicoveries and I have found that I jumped to alot of conclusions prematurely. He did tell me that his fantasies werent for men but just for the comparison. He fantasized about the penis not the man attached. He never had any desire to be with another man but wanted to just compare penis's and to jack one off. Is this a common fantasy? I'm not sure I understand that but I am trying to.
He did not send any pictures of his breats to men but he did send them pictures of his penis. Either way I am still confused but a little relieved. He still admits to having a porn addiction and does want to seek help for that. He has deleted all porn from his files ( mostly straight ) and has opened up to me about all his fantasies.
Although this has been difficult for both of us I do think that it has brought our relationship to a whole new level. It is like we are getting to know each other all over again. I have also opened up to him about some of my fantasies and we have both agreed that we are going to try our best to be each others fantasies. I do believe everything that he has told me , but I am still as a extra precaution going to get tested for std's as I would never believe that he would have sex with another man but I also would have never believed that he would have looked at gay porn. I do have three children to think about after all.
Again thank you everyone for your support, I will keep you posted on how things are going.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2009): If it was just the porn, I wouldn't be too worried. I've been with my wife for over 25 years, I love her and respect her, but I'm very bored with our sex life. Porn helps, and I've looked at some gay stuff too, for the variety. I've certainly never been with anyone else -- of either gender -- since we started dating.But signing up on dating sites? Sending pictures? Sorry, that's a whole different ball game. If he hasn't been with someone yet, he's certainly on track to do so. You're quite right to be worried. You should get tested for STDs. And he needs to understand that he's violated your trust; that it's going to be hard to get it back (if he can at all); and the only way it's going to happen is if he's so forthright that your suspicions are allayed.This is such a tough situation. Good for you for bringing your concerns out into the open. And stick to your guns until you're absolutely sure. I know of a family where the husband was stepping out with other men; the wife only found out when she was diagnosed with AIDS. Their kids are orphans now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2009): Thank you for the replies. I have talked further with my husband and it has helped. I said that we have a good marriage I did not say it was perfect. We of course have our ups and down's just like everyone else but have always been good at communicating. That's why it hurt me so much to find the things I did on his computers. When talking with him further about this he told me that 95% of the porn he looks at is sraight, the gay stuff is just curiosity. I have always trusted him to tell me the truth but now I don't know. He has definatley thrown a wrentch into our marriage. I don't know if I believe him, am I just believing him because thats what I really want to hear, or is it really the truth? I am extremely hurt and confused. Please someone of the male persuasion reply so that I can get a better insight to what I am dealing with here.If he is just curious why is he seeking out men, and sending them photo's of himself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2009): I think your marriage will be o.k. He's being honest and is willing to get help(and there's all kinds of help...even cyber therapy by a professional) Whenever a couple says their marriage is bliss, that's a red flag. When things are too perfect, then real life isn't going on. There should be a 'normal' tiff (and makeup) occassionally. Often best friend couples like to pretend everything is fine, and don't want to shake things up when an issue or problem Should be discussed or solved. That's a real marriage when you can be completely honest (even at the risk of hurting feelings). And I think guys start having a fantasy life when they don't want to confront (or have tried with no success) their wives about issues/problems. Often we don't listen...and then something like this happens and we 'sit up straight' in our chairs and Listen good. If you can be honest with each other, and talk this through, apologize if you see an area you neglected him? and he reciprocate, then your marriage can get stronger and better than before. take care
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2009): I think you should possibly consider that he might be gay. I find it odd that he says his fantasy consist of being with a man. I'm sorry honey I know it's hard to hear and you probably feel it's a little surreal. I also don't think you should justifying it with the fact that he still has sex with you, this is a real issue and making excuses is out. But from my experience if you feel something's wrong, then something's probably wrong. And as a complete stranger who's reading your story it sounds pretty obvious he has some issues with his sexuality. So talk to him let him know that you are apart of this marriage as well and deserve to know the truth, not the fantasy.
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