A
female
age
41-50,
*ebbiem
writes:Hi, i'v been with my boyfriend for 8 years now and have 4 children together. When we moved house my 4 year old at the time pulled an envelope out and inside were pictures of his ex. I questioned him he said he didn't now he still had them and he threw them away. Recently my 13 year old son has been doing a lot of snooping around my partners belongings (he should not of been and I told him off!!) He opened a box of his which was locked and inside were about 10 valentines cards most from his ex and about 20pics of her. I also found a load of letters from a young girl he had an affair with whilst he was married. I don't know what to think or weather I should trust him, does any one have any advise??????
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (21 September 2011):
 Perhaps your messy divorce is the reason you are having trust issues with your boyfriend?
Tie the knot when you close that messy divorce chapter. You need to be over it and ready to move on before you get married again.
A
female
reader, Debbiem +, writes (20 September 2011):
Debbiem is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi there all of you who have been so kind to reply to my question!! Well I have spoken to him about it and he said he liked to remember the good times he had with this ex of his and there was nothing in it. When we first met he said he had a one night stand with someone at the end of their marriage ,but these letters where written when they had been married only 3 years they were married 8 years altogether. He didn't want to talk about that!! He's been asking me to marry him for a long time now and I have even bought my dress I have been been scared to sighn that final piece of paper due to a very messy divorce myself but I just don't know if he really would do the affair thing again I am so confused :0( thanks again though all of you who have taken the time to reply to me xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2011): I wouldn't read too much into it. Many guys are just disorganized hoarders: they want to keep stuff as memories of the past, but not because they miss what's gone or would like to go back. Chances are, he shoved them in a box, forgot about their existence, and will be surprised to see them again.I think you should talk to him about this, and ask him why he keeps them. He'll probably reassure you, and you can get on with your life
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (19 September 2011):
 HiI don't get it? What's the point of him keeping these stuff locked after so many years? I don't think he's cheating, nor have any intentions, but I don't understand? Best thing to do is to show your findings, everything, and ask him why he still have all that after so many years? I don't believe him when he says he didn't know he had them. If you want the truth, and answers, you need to approach him in a calm matter. If you accuse, get angry, force him, will only shut him down. He's going to be defensive, lie, and make stupid excuses. He's probably shocked that you found those, probably feel embarrassed, so if you want to solve this you need to control your anger I hope you get the answers you need. Good luck
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (19 September 2011):
Here's some things bothering me...together 8yrs and 4 children together but you're still not married?? I don't know, maybe you have a different viewpoint about marriage. Also, did your 13yr old son come across the letters or did you?
It's not like you came across a nice framed picture of her tucked away in a dresser drawer. These cards and pictures were locked away in a box to be forgotten about. Plus, he threw away the first set. That right there shows those pictures don't matter to him.
Does he happen to be a pack rat? Keeps around piles of trash, hardly throwing anything out?
Are you aware of the reason for his divorce? Did he ever mention his affair? Even though it's not necessary because it happened when he was married and doesn't apply to you, I would still want to know about it. Him telling you about the affair, shows his new honest side.
In conclusion, just because he was pictures, letters, cards from ex's or a previous affair, doesn't mean he's cheating on you. I would still give him the benefit of the doubt. Just mention these little souvenirs and see if he'll toss these as well. Maybe suggest that he go through his belongings and throw any unnecessary items, photos out.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (19 September 2011):
 Two items:
1. Tell your B/F that your kids snoop a lot.... so he should be sure to secure his old "stuff" better, and,
2. Figure out why you have 4 kids with a guy who is not your husband.....
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A
male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (18 September 2011):
 I don't think this is an issue of trust. It sounds to me like it is more about your insecurity. I beleive that he has a right to save things from past relationships, to a point, without questioning his trust. You should talk to him about why he is keeping them. I have things from past relationships because even though I am over them they were still a big point in my life and the memories are something to learn from. I would never take all to kindly to the idea of someone saying that they should be tossed. With that being said I am assuming that they are not nude pictures or anything of that sort because that is different then.
This may be his box of memories that he treasures because they lead him to you. The affair letters may remind him of what it was like, that it is over and that he is happy with you. Unless you talk to him you will never know. Each person in a relationship is entitled to there own personal belongings/memories and my biggest concern is that why these things randomly popping up is shaking your trust in him so bad.
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A
female
reader, LillyB92 +, writes (18 September 2011):
Wow, that does not sound good!He might miss what he did with his ex when he was with her because he was young and might still be in love with her. There could be a lot of reasons why he had the valentie cards and the pictures of her locked inside a box. It could be because he was afraid of hurting you by having those old memories "away" but not having the guts to throw them out.You wrote he's your boyfriend so I guess he cheated on his ex-wife which could have been when he was "younger" and wasn't ready to settle down.Talk with him about it and make sure to mention that you found out he cheated on his ex-wife and that you want to know if he cheated on you. If he's trying to avoid the subject or he sounds unsure or "careless", it could be because he did cheat on you. And ask him about his ex aswell and if he did anything with her while you two was together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2011): While snooping is always wrong...I think this guy is sneaky and not at all trustworthy.
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A
female
reader, KittieS +, writes (18 September 2011):
 Hello,
Understand it's upsetting, but as soon as you confronted him he threw the originals away.
To be fair I still have pictures of my ex, somewhere I just have been so rubbish at getting rid of them sorting them out - but I have no feelings towards that person not in the slightest. Seeing your post has prompted me to sort this out ASAP I'd hate my new BF to find them by accident and be upset.
Talk to your man, tell him how it makes you feel - watch him closely when you discuss it, your no by his reaction if it is anything to worry about'
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