A
male
age
51-59,
*ps
writes:I am in a long distance relationship. He's in France, I'm here. We're both dudes. Last night (saturday) he went out to a gay club with some buds, said he'd be home at 3 am so we could skype (which we do everyday), and didn't get home until 6 am. That's late. On the one hand, I'm annoyed because what is he doing out at a gay club that late? On the other hand, I don't want to shackle him -- that's just not right. So he got home at 6 and messaged me, and we had an uncomfortable conversation where he was all "I don't want you to be mad that i am out so late" (he brought it up), and I was just kind of silent. I need some help here -- is it unreasonable of me to expect him not to go out to gay clubs so late? I mean, he's supposed to be in a relationship. As I said, I'm conflicted, because on the one hand it's hard for me if he's out late, but on the other, I don't want to be controlling. If you think I'm being controlling, don't be afraid to say so. And thanks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2011): If he is french, you have to consider the culture difference also. In many places, it's normal to nap in the evening and then stay out all night. My husband has been here 6 years and even though he knows it upsets me, he is still out all night.
A
female
reader, TheFurFiles  +, writes (6 March 2011):
 How can you have any sort of relationship when your boyfriend is in France and you are here (I'm assuming you mean North America?) Is this only a temporary thing?Either way, you are right in that you can't expect that he'll never go out. But watch it. I'd use a three strikes rule. If it seems like his life there takes priority over trying to make it work with you - and it happens three times - then be done with him and move on. And this means absentee phone calls or saying he's going to do something and then he doesn't, like when he says, "I'll pick you up at the airport," and he never shows. It also depends on what kind of relationship you want. In my opinion, you can't have any sort of close relationship living so far apart. You can do the "we'll boink whenever we are in the same city" type of deal but that's about it. Think about what you are looking for, and then make your decision. Good Luck,Fern (TheFurFiles)
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (6 March 2011):
 my nearest knowledge of gay relationships is my hairdresser. He always tells me how things are going. His last exclusive relationship broke up because his guy became too controlling. But that was more 'control' about what colors to paint walls, where to go for holidays and other such domestic issues etc Plus that other guy was so jealous. One day I saw my haidresser while i was shopping, so of course I greeted him and he introduced me to his partner (now his ex) and the dagger/miffed looks his ex gave me were very obvious.
I mean how am I a threat? A married woman with a child with me out shopping? My hairdresser told me that his ex was jealous no matter who he introduced him to.
His ex saw threats in everyone to his relationship with my hairdresser. Obviously the relationship could not last. That level of jealousy was unreasonable and a passion killer.
However I do think in any relationship, even if LDR, it seems too much for the for
the partner to stay out until 6am
That said, perhaps a group he was with were having a lot of fun, and to detach himself from the group might have looked like he was being miserable, if he left early.
If he continues to regularly stay out late then perhaps he has met someone else? But you should be able to guage any subtle changes in his responses and how he speaks and what he reveals to indicate that is so, or not.
That one night may have been a 'once only' celebratory evening and therefore will not be repeated.
An LDR is so difficult to sustain. I do hope you get a chance to see him in person, to really put your mind at rest about his commitment to you.
Regards
Abella
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A
male
reader, hmz  +, writes (6 March 2011):
You are not controlling in a way for sure. He needs his time, but not at the risk of you getting upset. He can explain what got him late if you are in a relationship but you both should agree. For sure i don't know any gay friends, neither I am one, so my advice may not be accurate. Best thing is talk about it. Share with him your feelings about trust and how you see this relationship is. Will you go out at a late night party and then turn up late? will it be acceptable to him? This is the understanding you both need to have. Be possessive about your relationship, not about your partner.
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